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Angel fic: Cancellation Notice 1/6
An older and fairly long story.
TITLE: Cancellation Notice 1/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
DISCLAIMER: "Buffy" and "Angel" characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. All songs are credited to the appropriate artists as they appear.
NOTE: Thanks to Sandi and Imzadi for suggestions that have been incorporated into this story.
"Know Thy Enemy"
It was a seemingly ordinary morning early in 2004 when Angel called an emergency meeting in his office. After Spike, Gunn, Lorne, and Wesley arrived, he announced, "I have bad news. We've been cancelled, as of the end of this season." He allowed a few moments for everyone to curse and complain before continuing. "The problem is that we don't attract enough viewers and our episodes don't do well in repeats. But don't count us out yet. I trust our fans to save us. They've already put together an online petition and they're racking up signatures to show their love and support for us. If they make enough noise, we can still return in the fall with new episodes."
Wesley seized onto this ray of hope. "Let's see how the petition is going." He logged onto the Internet, with the others gathered around to watch over his shoulder. Within a few moments, Wesley found the petition site and smiled. "Excellent. Over 40,000 people have signed it." Then he skimmed the list of signatures and his expression changed to a frown. "Oh, dear. This doesn't look good at all."
"What's wrong?" Gunn pressed.
"Shh. Let me check on something." Everyone else anxiously waited while Wesley examined several dozen pages of names. Finally he turned back to them. "I'm afraid this petition won't be taken seriously. Among other irregularities, someone named Mickey Mouse signed it 172 times last night, and President Bush is supposedly taking time out of his crowded schedule to visit it twice a day with words of encouragement."
"Okay, the petition's obviously not going to bail us out, but our fans are sure to phone and write and e-mail too," Angel pointed out. "The network can't overlook all that response."
Wesley nodded. "We'll definitely get fan reaction, but we need to do our part as well. We have six episodes left in which to raise our ratings. Essentially, how do we get more people to watch?"
"Look at the situation logically," Lorne urged. "We air on the WB network. We were cancelled, while other WB shows weren't. What do they have that we don't?"
Everyone was quiet. Then Angel said, "We don't know what they have because we don't watch them. We need to study the competition."
No one else had a better idea, so they went with Angel's. Wesley obtained a list of all the WB nighttime programming, and Angel sent a secretary to collect videotapes of the shows. When the material was accumulated, Angel looked at the list. "Right. You guys need to watch about two shows apiece. All the comedies together count as two, and the dramas are one each."
Even Spike accepted his assignment without too much protest, and the group agreed to return to Angel's office at 8 that evening with their reports. When they did, no one looked very happy.
Angel, who was settled down behind his desk with a notepad, prompted, "There's no time to waste. Lorne, tell us about the shows you watched."
"I saw eight episodes of 'Smallville.' In the first one, Clark battled a man who developed fire-starting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the second one, Clark battled a girl who developed shape-shifting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the third one, Clark battled a boy who suffered from permanent hypothermia as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the fourth one, Clark battled... oh, you get the point and I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. It was bad enough watching it over and over."
"The show is predictable. Right. We can do predictable," Angel said desperately as he made a note. "What about your other show, '7th Heaven'?"
"It's a preachy, sappy, feel-good family drama that never met a moral lesson it didn't like," Lorne summarized.
Angel made another note. "How about you, Spike?"
"I want you to know, I only helped out because I didn't come back from the dust just to be cancelled at the end of my first season here," Spike informed everyone. "Right, so I drew 'Everwood' and 'Gilmore Girls.' 'Everwood's' mostly social issues and old-fashioned narration. 'Gilmore Girls' is mostly quirky characters and snappy dialogue."
"We have snappy dialogue," Angel protested. "Well, sometimes we do. We have to work on the other part, though. Gunn, you're not quirky enough. Develop a quirk, fast. And while you're at it, what did watching the WB comedies tell you?"
"That they suck."
"Yeah, but what do they have that we don't?"
Gunn shrugged. "A laugh track, I guess."
Wesley spoke up. "I covered the remaining two series. 'Charmed' features three nubile sisters and derivative plots."
"What the hell does that mean?" Gunn demanded.
"They rely on sex to sell and you've seen most of their plots somewhere else before. Then there is 'One Tree Hill,' a series that attracts a substantial teen following and is considered to be a 'cool' show among many in that age group."
Spike said what most of the others were thinking. "What does all this rot tell us?"
Angel looked up from his notes. "It tells us that we need to become a whimsical, nostalgic, formulaic, sermonizing, unoriginal, hot, cool, socially conscious, female-oriented series with a laugh track. We have a lot of work to do, gang."
###########
"Revisionist History"
The day after learning about the cancellation, Gunn, Wesley, Angel, Lorne, and Spike again met in Angel's office.
"I've found another problem with our show," Lorne began. "We don't have enough female characters. The only women around are Harmony, Nina, Illyria, and Eve, and three of them are recurring. We need to start pairing up if we're going to copy 'One Tree Hill,' and we just don't have the cast to do it."
"Yeah," Gunn agreed. "Plus, does anyone out there even like Eve? She just ain't cuttin' it."
"Harmony is best taken in small doses," Lorne went on ("Too true," Spike muttered), "Nina has been tolerated so far, and fans resent Illyria for taking Fred's place. I'm sure you all will agree that this is quite an issue, since we badly need a signature couple fans can get behind."
"With Fred gone, we got nothing to bring to the table," Gunn stated.
"Actually, Fred doesn't have to be dead." Lorne displayed a thick sheaf of papers. "I took it upon myself to stay up last night collaborating with our writers, and together we managed to whip up our first new script. Here's a copy for each of us." He passed them around the table.
Gunn skimmed the first page of his. "Hey, I'm in the opening scene." He continued down the page. "Naked. I'm naked in the opening scene. Why am I naked in the opening scene?"
"You're wearing a towel," Lorne corrected. "It's because you just came out of the shower. There's a new mandate: All lead male characters must do at least one shirtless scene per episode. Angel's comes when he's exercising. Spike's is when he's getting out of bed. Wesley has his when he's changing clothes."
"What about yours?" asked Angel.
"I excused myself, because no one should have to look at that much green. Also, I'm just a tiny bit out of shape at the moment."
Gunn turned a page and stopped. "What's this? I find twin babies left on my doorstep?"
Lorne nodded. "Twin Chinese girls, left under your protection after their parents are killed by demons. '7th Heaven' has adorable twins, so we're ripping them off. Your story for this episode is to take care of the babies. Our new laugh track will be heavily utilized at random intervals during these hilarious scenes."
Wesley had flipped ahead in the script. "And my story apparently is to come up with a way to alter time and move us all back to two episodes ago, before Fred was infected, so that it never happens and she doesn't die. How in the world am I supposed to explain my ability to pull off this miracle? That portion of the script is blank."
"Make up an explanation full of big words and hope it confuses the audience so much that they have no choice but to believe you. What does it matter anyway? We'll have Fred back and you two can share sweet, mushy scenes and the audience will love it."
Angel looked up from his script. "What's this flashback scene? I don't understand what you're trying to do with it."
"Galway, 1753," said Lorne. "Angel, your little sister Kathy didn't really die back then, and she's joining the cast. The scene you're talking about is a newly created flashback where Angelus bit her but left before she was drained, assuming she would agonizingly bleed to death. She didn't. Instead she survived and became a half-vampire, meaning she retained her soul, doesn't age, and can go out in sunlight without burning up. Also, we adjusted her human age slightly. She is now 18; therefore, legal. What do you think of that?"
Dead silence answered him.
"Trust me, it'll be great," Lorne raved. "The flashback is an opportunity to give Angelus fans a treat, and also to crank up the laugh track. Angel-cakes, your fake Irish accent and bad hair will have them rolling in the aisles." Perhaps sensing Angel's true feelings, Lorne quickly changed the subject. "Oh, and before I forget, we need to repopulate the show by bringing back past characters." He handed each person a single sheet of paper. "Everyone, vote on who should return. Your choices are Cordelia, Kate, Gwen, Lilah, Justine, Darla, Drusilla, Penn, Lindsey, Connor, and the Groosalugg. Choose three each." When the others had marked their ballots, some with more enthusiasm than others, Lorne collected them. "Thanks. I'll look them over and let you know soon who's coming back."
Gunn rose. "If we're done here, I'm off to memorize my script."
"We can't be done," Spike protested. "We haven't even talked about my scenes."
"Saving the best for last, sweetie," Lorne assured him as Gunn dropped back into his chair. "Spike, you have some pivotal scenes. For instance, there's the one where you find the Gem of Amara Angel hid--"
"Wait a minute," Angel broke in. "The Gem of Amara doesn't exist anymore. I destroyed it way back in season one."
"No, you actually destroyed a fake and hid the real Gem in case of an emergency. Well, the emergency has arrived. We need you to be indestructible, so we're dusting off the Gem and putting it back into play." Lorne turned back to Spike. "In this episode, we also reveal a big secret--the real reason you've been hanging around Los Angeles instead of going to Europe after Buffy. Because frankly, that excuse about not being able to top your exit scene makes about as much sense as Wesley being able to alter time. Your revelation comes in a dramatic scene right at the end of the episode."
Spike nodded. "Right, then." He stood up. "I'm going to get a snack."
No one followed him. Wesley looked at Lorne. "What about you? What are you up to in this episode?"
"I appear in two token scenes just to remind viewers I'm still on the show."
Angel had stopped paying attention to the conversation and was skipping to the end of the script. "Who cares about that? I want to learn Spike's secret."
Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne moved to the final page as well. Gunn read the ending, which mostly consisted of Spike's dialogue: "'SPIKE: "Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you." Cut to: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds. Fadeout.'"
Gunn, Wesley, and Angel looked at each other in stunned silence. Wesley recovered first. "It's official. Common sense has packed its bags and left the building. Perhaps we should all follow?"
Before anyone could answer, from the hallway outside the office sounded a terrible howl, followed by a scream of, "What the bloody hell is this?"
Angel winced. "I think Spike just read the last page of the script, too."
#############
EPISODE: "A Fresh Start"
TEASER
Shots of families: picnicking in the park, in a swimming pool, eating at a restaurant, being photographed, at a reunion, attending a party, wearing Halloween costumes, playing together in a pile of leaves, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Family: What do you do with it, and what do you do without it? Sure, those younger siblings can be annoying, and when you're 30 and your mother phones to tell you to use an umbrella when it rains it can get on your nerves. But then, think of how your life would be if you didn't have those people in it. Poof! Suddenly, no little brother hanging on every word of your stories. No grandmother relating precious old memories. No uncle who used to push you on the swing when you were a kid. Then you realize how much you truly need family in your life, and what it would mean if you didn't have one.
FADE IN.
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The living room is deserted. We hear the sound of the SHOWER RUNNING a couple of rooms away. Then it stops. The doorbell RINGS, just once. A minute later, GUNN comes walking into the living room, naked. (LATE CHANGE: Censors say he can't be naked. He actually is wearing a towel around his waist; therefore, he is naked from the waist up.) He walks over to the front door and opens it in answer to the bell. He doesn't see anyone outside and moves to close the door. A motion on the floor attracts his attention first. Gunn looks down and sees a large basket containing two Chinese babies wrapped in a soft green blanket.
GUNN: What the--
He kneels and stares at the babies. They both are both awake and gazing back at him. They look to be in perfect health, from what we can see. A note is pinned to their blanket. Gunn unhooks the note and reads it aloud.
GUNN: (reading) "Dear Mr. Gunn, if you are looking at this note, we the parents of these wonderful little girls are dead, slaughtered by the ravening demons that have long held a vendetta against us. Despite our fiercest efforts, they must have found and demolished us. A good demon you once helped gave us your name as someone we could trust. Please take care of our beloved daughters and protect them as if they are your own, for now they indeed are. They are our legacy, and we only wish we could see them grow up."
Gunn looks back at the babies. They reach toward him with their little hands. He smiles.
GUNN: You two are the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
He carefully picks up the basket and carries it inside the penthouse.
###############
SPIKE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
SPIKE is in bed, sleeping, bare-chested. The sheet has slipped down to his waist. He is stirring and talking in his sleep. We see inside Spike's dream.
##SPIKE'S DREAM BEGINS##
Spike's perspective. He is standing in a room with just one small window in it. The room is very dark, with only a little light filtering into it from the window. A shadowy figure stands across the room. Spike cannot make out his face.
SPIKE: I hate you. I don't know why you always have to be on the periphery of my life or sometimes even closer, ruining it, dragging me down to nothing. I've never been able to get ahead, and it's all because of you. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, how much I wanted it, I've never been able to please you. It isn't fair, I tell you, it isn't fair!
He runs forward and attacks the figure, punching wildly. Whoever the other person is, he doesn't attempt to fight back. Finally Spike stops hitting him.
SPIKE: See? You've ruined me. I can't even fight properly anymore. And it's all because of you.
He stops; takes a few deep breaths; stares at his companion.
SPIKE: I should have realized it before, shouldn't I? All this time, the answer has been staring me in the face. It's time to stop denying it and give voice to the truth, for only then will I have power over it. (Takes another deep breath.) I love you.
The other person moves forward slightly, so that his face is no longer obscured. It is ANGEL.
SPIKE: I love you, Angel!
##SPIKE'S DREAM ENDS##
Spike abruptly awakens and sits up in bed, panting. He looks stunned.
SPIKE: It can't be true! Or can it? If my dream is telling me what I already subconsciously know, it means I'm in love with Angel. That's the reason I haven't left Los Angeles yet, despite having no real ties here. I love Angel, and I can't bear to be away from him. That's the reason I've made no real attempt to go away, and several lame excuses to stay. It *is* true!
Realization dawns on Spike's face.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
WESLEY'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
WESLEY is sleeping. He is smiling; it looks like he is having a very good dream. He begins to talk in his sleep.
WESLEY: Fred. Where are you, Fred?
Wesley wakes up but is still groggy. He begins to feel on the other side of the bed but finds only sheets. He quickly sits up.
WESLEY: Fred? Where are you?
Realization strikes him much like it did Spike in the previous scene; he stops his search.
WESLEY: Of course Fred is not here. She died. She is lost forever. It's time for me to get ready for work, but how can I do so when I know she won't be there? (He buries his face in his hands. Then his shoulders stiffen and he lifts his head.) Fred would want me to go on, not to give up. I must do what she would want, in her honor, no matter how difficult it is. I should go to work and try my best to make Fred proud of me. I only hope that horrible Illyria doesn't besmirch Fred's memory today.
###############
ILLYRIA'S PENTHOUSE (yes, she has one, too) - BEDROOM
ILLYRIA is in bed, sleeping. She, too, is smiling.
##ILLYRIA'S DREAM##
She is standing outside atop a huge platform, with thousands of people watching her. Her hair is at its bluest.
ILLYRIA: Bow down before me, you puny mortals. Acknowledge me as your superior, your rightful ruler. My old world may be gone, but I will take over this new one and make it even better. Bow, I say!
Sparks fly out from the tips of her fingers. Below, much crying and screaming and general panic as most of the people cower on the ground. One man, though, runs away. Illyria raises her hand and shoots him with a blue power bolt. The man is frozen.
ILLYRIA: You see, at my whim I may dispose of this insolent human. It would be very easy for me. Instead, though, I choose to be merciful--just this one time.
Illyria snaps her fingers. The man is able to move again. Trembling, he immediately kneels with his head down.
ILLYRIA: I survey the teeming masses and I have only this to say: Today, Los Angeles; tomorrow, the world!
A little girl separates herself from the crowd and walks up the steps at the front of the platform and right over to Illyria. Illyria raises her hand and attempts to zap this child, too, but the girl holds up her hand and blocks Illyria's power bolt. Then the little girl punches Illyria and sends her flying backward.
GIRL: You're nothing but a big bully with bad hair!
Illyria picks herself up and attempts to use another power bolt, but it doesn't work. She waves her hand and tries again, still with no success. Her energy is gone.
GIRL: You're the ruler of nothing. Go away!
All the people stand up and begin to chant:
PEOPLE: Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!
##ILLYRIA'S DREAM ENDS##
Illyria sits up, wide awake. She looks down at her hands and attempts to shoot the bolts but fails like she did in her dream.
ILLYRIA: I *will* get my power back. I *will* display my superiority over others. I *am* better than these humans.
Looking determined, Illyria stands up.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
ANGEL is in bed, sleeping.
##ANGEL'S DREAM##
Angel is standing in the middle of nothingness. It is black all around him. He hears a voice only. It sounds like that of a young woman.
VOICE: Liam, help! Save me from the evil vampire! It wants to eat me! Help! Liam!
ANGEL: I'm coming, Kathy! (He looks around but still can't see anything.) Where are you? I can't see you! Keep calling me and I'll come toward your voice! (Silence.) Kathy? Kathy!
KATHY: AAAAAAHHHHHH! Help! AAAAAHH-- (Her scream is cut off.)
ANGEL: Kathy! (He runs wildly but it does no good and he stops, confused.) Kathy!
##ANGEL'S DREAM ENDS##
Angel sits up, awake.
ANGEL: It's okay. It was just a dream. A very bad dream, but only a dream. My little sister couldn't have been calling me for help, because she's been dead for a very long time.
Shaking, Angel gets out of bed and goes to prepare for work.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
CLOSEUP of new Wolfram & Hart logo on the wall. It reads, "Repair, Reuse, Recycle." An anthropomorphic WOLF, RAM, and HART are pictured doing their best to fulfill this new slogan. The wolf is fixing a radio, the ram is refilling a plastic container, and the hart is placing newspapers inside a recycling bin. These logos are positioned all over the building and will frequently appear in the background of shots.
CUT TO: WESLEY, who is standing off to the side, soliloquizing.
WESLEY: Whatever shall I do without Fred in my life? It really isn't fair. We had just found each other and were going to be happy, and we ended up having so little time together. It's like some evil genius is watching over us, ready to sabotage our lives just as soon as we attain even the smallest measure of happiness. It's bad enough that Fred is gone, but even worse, I have to cope with the presence of the being that has taken over her body. I can barely stand to look at Illyria knowing that Fred is gone forever, beyond all hope of recovery. Words cannot begin to express the wrongness of this situation.
HARMONY walks down the hallway. She pats Wesley on the back in sympathy as she passes him. Wesley smiles bravely, squares his shoulders, and begins walking again. He turns the corner and sees ILLYRIA standing in the hallway, with Harmony approaching her. As Harmony steps nearer, Illyria grabs her for no apparent reason and throws her against the wall, then picks her up and holds her ready to throw again. Wesley runs forward and grabs Illyria's arm. She merely looks at him.
WESLEY: Illyria! Stop hurting poor Harmony!
ILLYRIA: Why?
WESLEY: Because she is innocent! You have no reason to attack her.
ILLYRIA: I am bored. I need entertainment, and I also need to keep my fighting skills in practice, though this pathetic creature does not offer much of a challenge.
WESLEY: You can keep entertained in some other manner. I'll find something for you to do. You just have to stop abusing people. Now let go.
ILLYRIA: Very well. (She releases Harmony, who slumps to the floor, stunned.)
WESLEY: Follow me, Illyria.
She trails him down the hallway. In the background, we get a glimpse of ANGEL walking in the other direction. A moment later, SPIKE skulks after him. Back to Wesley and Illyria: He leads her into a dark room that contains a desk, couch, TV set, and other odds and ends. Wesley flicks on the light and points to the TV.
WESLEY: This object is called a television set. I'll show you how to operate it, and then I expect you to stay here like a good little obedient Smurf and watch it until I come back for you. We receive more than 800 channels here. If this doesn't keep you safely occupied, I don't know what will.
ILLYRIA: It sounds intriguing. Show me.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
MONTAGE: GUNN doing baby things such as feeding them, changing their diapers, reading to them, helping them stand up, burping them. Eventually he drops onto the couch, exhausted.
GUNN: You two are going to be the death of me, but I'll enjoy every second of it.
The phone rings; Gunn answers.
GUNN: Hello? ... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't call and say I wouldn't be coming to work today. I'm taking the day off. ... Thank you. (He hangs up and resumes his talk to the babies.) I should tell Angel and Wes and the others about you little miracles, shouldn't I? Only, I find myself strangely reluctant to do just that. I think I need to keep you two to myself for just a little while longer. In an odd way, you'll seem less "mine" once I've shared the news of your existence with others.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL'S OFFICE
ANGEL is slumped on the couch, awash in memories. He tries to force them away but they continue to hammer at his brain. One, in particular, stands out.
##ANGEL'S MEMORY BEGINS## (Note: newly created flashback)
GALWAY, 1753.
NIGHT. Angel's parents' house. ANGELUS (with very bad, long, scruffy hair for comic effect) is lurking outside. The house is dark. He looks up, at a window on the second floor. Then he tosses a small rock against the window. He waits. Throws another rock and lightly hits the window with it. After another minute, a candle is lit inside the room and then the window opens. Framed in the light we see Angel's younger sister KATHY, a beauteous lass of 18 summers. She is wearing a very low-cut, anachronistic negligee, to emphasize the point that she is now of legal age. She peers outside. Angelus steps out of the shadows so she can see him. (NOTE: Terrible Irish accent for Angelus is a must in this scene! It adds to the humor quotient!)
ANGELUS: Psst! Kathy!
Kathy spots him and gasps theatrically. Her hand flutters to her mouth in an exaggerated gesture of shock.
KATHY: Liam! But no, it cannot be you, my beloved older brother who drinks and womanizes and steals yet is still a wonderful big brother to me. You are said to be cold in the ground by now. Are you an angel, then, come back to visit me?
ANGELUS: Nay, I'm no' an angel. I'm much, much better dan dat.
KATHY: Yet Father said you died. How can you be here, then?
ANGELUS: Ye know he hates me. He be angry wit' me, an' he wants me ta go 'way fore'er and e'er. But I couldna leave me dear little sister wit'out sayin' goodbye ta her.
KATHY: Do you have to go?
ANGELUS: Oh, I fear I havena any choice. But before I take me leave, I want ta speak wit' ye. Quietly, now, hasten downstairs an' open the door so we may converse one final time.
Kathy disappears from the window. Angelus walks over to the door and waits. Soon, the door opens and he sees Kathy.
ANGELUS: (aside) Can she *be* any stupider?
KATHY: What did you say?
ANGELUS: Oh, merely what a good, lovin' sister ye are. Ask me in, just dis once more.
KATHY: Come in, Liam.
Angelus enters the house, breaking the fourth wall with a smirk and a wink to the audience.
ANGELUS: Tank ye, Kathy. Dat was exactly what I needed. An' do ye know what ye need?
KATHY: Nothing, now that I know you're alive, my wonderful big brother.
ANGELUS: Ah, dat's where ye're wrong!
Angelus vamps out. Kathy starts to scream, but he places a hand over her mouth as he bites deeply into her neck and drinks. Kathy's struggles last only briefly and then she hangs limply as Angelus quenches his thirst. He pulls away. Kathy's eyelids flutter. Angelus drops her to the ground and stands over her in triumph.
ANGELUS: Ye havena died yet, but ye will, soon enough. Mayhap ye will suffer thricefold wit' da knowledge dat ye asked fer yer own death. Ye will bleed ta death, slow an' sure, lyin' here in agony, an' me da will find yer corpse in da mornin', in a pool o' yer own liquids. Farewell, ye annoyin' child. Oh, an' one more ting: Ye tasted like chicken.
He kicks Kathy in the side and walks away, licking his lips.
##ANGEL'S MEMORY ENDS##
Angel shudders as the horrible memory concludes.
ANGEL: Why am I thinking of Kathy again, so suddenly, after so many years? I don't understand.
CUT TO: SPIKE, who is lurking outside the door. He chooses his moment and slinks inside the office. Angel looks up to see Spike offering him a cup.
SPIKE: I brought you your blood.
ANGEL: (suspiciously) And why would you do that? You must want something, seeing that you have an ulterior motive for every single thing you do.
SPIKE: Sometimes a mug of blood is just a mug of blood.
Angel hesitates, then takes the cup and sips the blood. Spike sits down beside him.
SPIKE: Remember the good old days, Angel?
ANGEL: You mean when we were terrorizing Europe, killing people right and left? I'd hardly call those good.
SPIKE: Nah, I mean a more recent time. Say, a few years ago, when Buffy sent you the Gem of Amara.
ANGEL: I wouldn't call that good, either. You tried to steal it from me and had me tortured in your attempts to get the ring for yourself.
SPIKE: Didn't work, did it, so we're even on that one, right? I mean, Marcus ended up with it.
ANGEL: No, he didn't. I followed him and got it back.
SPIKE: Did you, now? So why aren't you using it yourself? It was a right handy little item, protecting you from sunlight and stakings and whatnot.
ANGEL: At the time, I told Doyle I was afraid if I could go out during the day, I would lose sight of my mission and stop helping the people who needed me the most. I had to destroy the ring to remove the temptation.
SPIKE: Angel, you've done a lot of stupid things over the decades, but that move might have been the dumbest. I don't know anyone else who would demolish the item that would save him from death no matter what.
ANGEL: I didn't really destroy it. I just smashed a fake in front of Doyle. Then I hid the real thing away in case of an emergency.
SPIKE: Where it is, then?
ANGEL: I'm not telling you!
SPIKE: Ah. So, you forgot where you stowed it, huh?
ANGEL: Yes. All right? Yes, I forgot!
SPIKE: I'm beginning to detect a pattern here: of you becoming forgetful, misplacing precious items, and getting crotchety. You're old, Angel!
ANGEL: Shut up, Spike.
SPIKE: All right, all right. Just, if you had given me the Gem to begin with, it wouldn't be missing right now, would it?
ANGEL: Let's just stop talking about it. If I can't have it, I don't want to discuss it with you.
SPIKE: Sure.
Spike is quick to agree with Angel, but he has a thoughtful expression on his face. Busy not paying attention to Spike, Angel does not notice it.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is behind his desk, staring into space. There is a tap on the door and then HARMONY opens it and enters, walking up to the front of the desk.
HARMONY: Wesley? Hey, hello.
She waves to attract his attention. Abruptly, Wesley focuses on her.
WESLEY: Yes? What is it, Harmony?
HARMONY: I hate to bother you. I mean, I really hate to do it. I know you were just sitting there mooning over poor Fred and being all sorry that she died in such a horrible way and you can't be with her ever, ever again, but you know, life does go on for the rest of us. At least the rest of us who are alive. If we aren't alive then life goes on around us and we get to observe it. Well, you know what I mean.
WESLEY: At this point, I don't care what you mean. What do you want?
HARMONY: I think something's wrong with Illyria.
WESLEY: Isn't that a fact of her being?
HARMONY: Huh?
WESLEY: Never mind. Just tell me whatever it is that concerns you, and do it quickly, please.
HARMONY: I was! You know how you shut her up in that office with the TV set? I don't think it worked out like you wanted. Everyone's complaining about these weird noises they hear coming from inside that room.
WESLEY: It must be the program she's watching. She probably turned the volume up too high.
HARMONY: No, I don't think that's it. I pressed my ear against the door and I definitely heard Illyria's voice. She's making these really weird sounds, kind of like she's having a fit or something. It's scary. And don't tell me to do something about it. I won't go near her again. She's absolutely horrible. You saw how she treated me earlier. She slung me around like a sack of rotten potatoes, for no reason at all. I don't want anything to do with her, ever again.
WESLEY: All right, thank you for telling me. I should have known she would find a way to take any peaceful interlude from me. I'll check matters out.
Wesley leaves his office and approaches the room where he left Illyria. LORNE is standing outside it, ear against the door. He winces, and then steps back when he sees Wesley.
LORNE: Oh, honey, I had hoped when Illyria took up residence that the singing voice would improve even a tad. Wishful thinking.
Wesley presses his ear against the door and briefly listens, too. He hears an off-key sort of singing from inside. He looks at Lorne.
WESLEY: You aren't wrong. I suppose I have to take care of this latest problem.
Wesley opens the door and sees Illyria watching a cartoon on TV. The program is "The Smurfs." She is singing along to it. Wesley quickly steps inside and shuts the door.
ILLYRIA: "La la la la la la, la la la la la. La la la la la la, la la la la la..."
WESLEY: Illyria, what in heaven's name are you doing? What is that terrible noise you're making?
Illyria stops singing but leaves the TV on as she faces Wesley.
ILLYRIA: I was singing along with the characters on this program. You call me a Smurf and I am watching "The Smurfs" television show to find out why. I notice a significant imbalance in the ratio of female to male Smurfs, which makes me wonder how quickly they are able to reproduce, and in what quantities. Inbreeding must be prevalent, which would account for their similarities in appearance. The female Smurf I have been watching has blonde hair. Would you like me better if I had blonde hair?
WESLEY: I don't think anything could make me like you better. Your presence is a travesty. You shouldn't be here; Fred should! I will never prefer you to her, and I will never stop wishing I had her back rather than you around.
ILLYRIA: You have no choice in the matter. I am present and your Fred is gone. Your futile display of emotion succeeds in doing nothing except annoying me and upsetting you.
WESLEY: You truly believe I have to just live with the knowledge that you're here to stay and Fred will never be back? Oh, we'll see about that!
Wesley storms out of the room. Losing interest in him, Illyria turns back to the TV set, where Papa Smurf is giving a rousing speech.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is singing to the BABIES. Very bad voice; hilarious singing because it is so awful.
GUNN: (singing) "Rock-a-bye, baby,
In the tree top.
When the wind blows,
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall,
And down will come baby,
Cradle and all."
His voice cracks several times, especially at the end, but the babies seem to love it.
GUNN: Either you both have tin ears, or you're just naturally happy. Oh, well, I never claimed to be Tony Bennett. As long as you like it....
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - EXERCISE ROOM
ANGEL, SHIRTLESS, is exercising. He is alone in the room. He finishes his push-ups and does a series of pull-ups. Finally he is done. He gets dressed and leaves the building. Outside, the sun is down. It is early evening. Angel begins walking in no particular direction. He looks very restless and unsettled. As he walks, he glances at the people he passes. Casual looks, not seeing anyone he knows. At first. Then a particular FACE of a young woman perhaps a hundred yards away captures his attention. Angel stops dead, staring.
ANGEL: Kathy?
He quickly moves forward, shoving people aside, tripping an old man who is using a walker, sideswiping a baby carriage (from behind him, SPIKE swoops in and rescues the baby just in time; Angel doesn't even notice), rushing ahead until he reaches the spot where he saw the young woman. She is no longer there. He turns in a circle, desperately staring around, but he does not see her. Disappointed reaction; face falls, shoulders slump.
ANGEL: It wasn't her. Of course it wasn't. It isn't possible. It was stupid of me to think, even for a moment, that I had seen her. Kathy has been dead at the end of my razor-sharp fangs for more years than anyone in this street has been alive.
He shakes his head at his own stupidity, then turns and walks away. CUT TO: nearby bookstore. From inside, the woman Angel pursued is watching him. She makes no attempt to follow him, however. CUT TO: Angel, who continues to stride along, paying little attention to where he is going. He plows through a CROWD, bumping into several of the people.
MAN: Hey, you! Watch where you're going!
Angel turns on him with a snarl, his eyes flashing yellow.
MAN: On second thought, you walk wherever you want, and I'll just get out of your way.
The man scrambles away; Angel turns and continues down the street for a short distance. Then he turns into a deserted alley and proceeds until he is about halfway down it. At this point, he whirls around to see Spike about 20 feet behind him. Spike makes a quick movement as if to try to hide but then halts, realizing that Angel has caught him. Resigned, Spike remains in the open.
ANGEL: Spike, what the hell do you think you're doing?
SPIKE: (innocently, bluffing) What do you mean?
ANGEL: Every time I've turned around today, there you are. It's gotten to the point where I can't step out of my office without you on my trail.
SPIKE: I don't know what you're talking about. I just happened to be heading the same way as you, is all.
ANGEL: Down a stinking, rat-infested alley? A likely story.
SPIKE: Believe it or not, it's the truth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.
He turns as if to leave. Angel strides over and grabs his arm, forcing Spike to face him again.
ANGEL: Oh, no, you don't. I'm not making it that easy for you. I want the truth and I want it now. You're obviously hatching some evil scheme against me. I want to know what it is.
SPIKE: I'm not evil anymore. I have a soul, same as you. Well, not quite the same as you. Mine is better. I *wanted* mine, fought for it. You had yours shoved upon you, totally unwillingly. My soul is worth 10 of yours. Probably more.
ANGEL: I'm not getting into this debate again. Just forget the whole thing, and leave me alone from now on!
Angel turns and stalks away, occasionally glancing over his shoulder to make sure Spike is not following him again. Spike watches Angel leave before going in the other direction.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
WESLEY is the only person in the lab. He looks very grim and is talking to himself.
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(NOTE: ABOVE IS ADLIB OF APPROXIMATELY THREE MINUTES IN LENGTH. EXPLANATION OF WESLEY'S NEWFOUND ABILITY TO ALTER TIME IN ORDER TO SAVE FRED. This ability will never be referenced or utilized again unless absolutely necessary. I.e., we write ourselves into another corner.)
Wesley stops talking and walks over to a silvery piece of equipment with many complicated-looking dials and knobs on it. He examines it and makes a few adjustments.
WESLEY: I waited until nighttime, when prying eyes will be absent and unable to witness my desperate attempt to alter the very fabric of time. If my calculations are correct, time will be altered and Fred will no longer be gone. However, almost everything else that has happened to any of us over the past few days will remain the same. The only alterations to our memories and timeline events will be to those parts that surround Fred. None of us will remember that she was infected and died, or that I changed time to save her.
He takes a deep breath, then presses the "start" button on the piece of equipment. It whirs into action. Suddenly, Wesley gasps, alarmed.
WESLEY: Oh, no! I forgot! If I move us back in time then Knox will be alive and lurking around, a menacing presence plotting against my Fred. Even worse, my memories of his treachery will no longer exist and he will have a clear road to Fred once more.
Wesley grabs the machine and tries to stop the process, but he realizes he is too late. It has started and there is no way to halt it now. The room goes dim around him, and the machine glows silvery bright.
WESLEY: I can only hope that everything works out for the best now. I can't bear to lose Fred yet again.
A brilliant light fills the room; Wesley clutches his head and collapses on the floor.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is watching TV with the volume down very low so that he can hear the babies if they cry. (They are in their own bedroom, which used to be a spare room.) The power goes out briefly and the ground shakes slightly. This happens at the precise moment when Wesley's attempt to alter time takes place, but of course Gunn is unaware of his friend's experiment.
GUNN: What was that? An earthquake?
He jumps up to check on the babies and manages to stub his toe on the coffee table. Swearing and hopping on one foot, he nevertheless makes it into their room to see them still sleeping, obviously were not bothered by the minor disturbance.
GUNN: I hope that movement just now wasn't a foreshock. I'd hate to think of a big earthquake striking Los Angeles and causing untold amounts of damage. I'll just stay awake for a while to be sure nothing else is going to happen tonight. And to be safe, I'll sit up in this room so I can protect the girls if anything *does* happen.
He pulls up a chair, rubs his smarting toe, and settles down next to the crib.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
WESLEY is lying unconscious on the floor. FRED enters, sees him, and cries out in shock. She hurries over and drops to her knees beside him.
FRED: Wesley! Wesley, are you all right? No, obviously you're not. What happened in here? Did someone attack you?
She looks at Wesley again and can see no blood or any other obvious sign of injury. She feels for a pulse and is relieved when she finds one. The machine Wesley used to alter time lies harmlessly nearby. Fred merely glances at it and away, having no clue as to its true purpose.
FRED: Wesley, please, you have to be all right.
Wesley moans and stirs. His eyes flick open.
WESLEY: Fred? Is that you?
FRED: Yes! Yes, it is! What happened to you? I came in and found you lying on the floor, unconscious. You scared me so much.
Slowly, Wesley sits up. He puts a hand to his head and closes his eyes, then opens them again.
WESLEY: I have no idea what happened. I think I came here looking for you, but that's the last I can recall. I feel dizzy and weak, but otherwise unharmed.
FRED: Then you just fainted? Why? Have you eaten today?
WESLEY: Not much. I *am* quite hungry, now that I think about it. Perhaps that's the explanation--that I'm weak from hunger and it caused my collapse.
He slowly stands up, with Fred hovering next to him ready to help if need be. Fred indicates the silvery machine.
FRED: Do you know what that is? I don't remember seeing it in here before.
WESLEY: I have no idea. Perhaps Knox brought it in. (He frowns.) Knox. Why does the very thought of him make me feel sick? I have this terrible feeling that I came incredibly close to losing you forever, but that can't be true. You're here with me now, and you look fine.
FRED: You don't, though. You're not going to faint again, are you? Sit down, quick.
WESLEY: No, I'd better go and have something to eat. Maybe then I'll remember what happened.
FRED: Hey, this is really weird. Why are we both here so late at night? Oh, well, the important thing is to make sure you're all right.
Slowly, Wesley leaves the lab with Fred right beside him in support.
###############
ALLEY NEAR WOLFRAM & HART
ANGEL is aimlessly wandering in the shadows of the alley as the sun rises. He is fully sheltered as long as he doesn't go onto the street. He is near the end of the alley, by the sunny street, when, without fanfare, a WOMAN emerges to stand before him. She looks just like the Kathy we saw in Angel's memory. (NOTE: She wears a catsuit, which will be her TRADEMARK OUTFIT. In this episode, the catsuit is purple.) Angel reacts in shock, gasping and staring at the woman as if unable to believe his eyes.
ANGEL: No. No, it can't be. My dear sister Kathy has been dead these two centuries and more. You're a ghost, a vision, a demon taking her form so as to torment me even more.
KATHY: I assure you, I'm as real as you are.
ANGEL: Then you must merely look like her. That's all you are--someone with a stunning resemblance to my Kathy. It's said, after all, that each of us has a twin somewhere in this world.
KATHY: Yet in all the years I've existed, I've never met mine--*Liam*.
ANGEL: You know my human name? Then you really are Kathy? It truly is you, somehow?
KATHY: How astute of you, big brother. Of course, you *should* remember my face, seeing that you laughed in it as you left me for dead and ruined my life.
ANGEL: How can this be? I remember so well, how I tricked you and bit you and left you lying there, dying on the floor, blood dripping from the wounds in your throat. You should have died by now, one way or the other. If by some miracle you survived that particular night, no human lives to be over 200 years old. You'd be old and wrinkled and gray, at the very least, definitely not looking as young as you did the last time I saw you.
KATHY: Ah, but I am not completely human anymore, thanks to you.
ANGEL: What do you mean?
Kathy smiles at him. It is a chilling smile, though, not a friendly one. Then she vamps out and bares her fangs to better show them off. Angel reels back a step.
ANGEL: No! It can't be!
KATHY: Will you stop saying that? It obviously *is*.
ANGEL: But all I did was drink your blood. I didn't feed you any of mine, and that is required to create a vampire. Unless, that is, after I left you, another vampire came along, got an invitation into the house, found you, and fed you. Did that happen?
KATHY: You still don't get it. I guess I'll just have to show you and hope you finally catch on.
She turns and walks a few paces away, directly into the sunlight.
ANGEL: Kathy, no! Stop!
His call comes too late; Kathy is standing in full light. But she isn't on fire. The sunlight appears to have absolutely no negative effect on her. Angel remains in the shade, looking at her in disbelief.
ANGEL: You're not on fire. How are you not on fire? You're a vampire, and you should be burning as I watch.
KATHY: I'm not just a vampire. I'm also partly human. I'm half and half. I've retained my soul, and sunlight poses no threat to me.
ANGEL: This is incredible. I can hardly believe what I'm seeing and hearing.
KATHY: Oh, believe it, Liam. Or Angel, as I hear you're calling yourself now. I'm here as sure as you are. Now listen carefully: I hate you with every fiber of my being, and that will never change.
Kathy turns and stalks away, still in the sunlight. Angel stares after her.
ANGEL: This cannot mean anything good. I'd better warn the others that we may be facing our most disturbing threat ever--my own sister! (Beat.) Though she does have great fashion sense. I wonder where she bought that catsuit.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANGEL is seated at the head of a long table. SPIKE, LORNE, GUNN, FRED, and WESLEY are also present. Angel looks very serious. He holds up a hand for silence and attention. The others turn to him.
ANGEL: I understand that this meeting was called on very short notice, but I have a very good reason for wanting you all here. A problem has arisen that may grow to concern all of us. Forewarned is forearmed. During our years of battle, we have all learned that lesson, and it wouldn't be smart to ignore it now. Everyone, this is extremely important. For those of you who don't know, back in 1753, when I was human, I had a younger sister named Kathy. When I was turned into a vampire I quickly targeted her as a victim. I bit her and left her to bleed to death. It was a terrible thing to do, and I'm certainly not proud of it.
LORNE: Aw, Angel, we all know you regret your past. You don't need to keep apologizing for it.
ANGEL: In this case, I do. You see, as it turns out, against all odds, Kathy did not bleed to death. Somehow she survived my death bite and mutated into a creature that is half-human, half-vampire. The good news is that she still has her soul, so she poses no real danger to humans in general. The bad news is that she hates me. I wanted to warn all of you, just in case. It's possible that Kathy's rage might extend beyond me. She might harbor feelings of intense resentment toward you, my good friends. Watch your steps, for I would never forgive myself if she sought to avenge herself on any of you innocent souls.
Thoughtful silence ensues. Spike breaks it.
SPIKE: When you refer to your "good friends" and I happen to be in the room at the time, by your invitation, you're including me as someone you care about, right?
Angel doesn't answer. Wesley clears his throat.
WESLEY: This story about your sister is quite fascinating. She sounds unique in the annals of vampirekind.
GUNN: In a real bad way, seems to me.
FRED: I feel sorry for her. I mean, if she's had her soul all this time, she must have suffered a lot. She'd have to deal with guilt and confusion and anger and all sorts of other nasty emotions.
ANGEL: Just be careful, all of you. Please.
The others nod.
GUNN: Since we're together, I have news, too. And it's a heck of a lot better news than Angel's "some angry sis might be out to get you guys" news. No offense.
ANGEL: (sighs) None taken. So what's up with you?
GUNN: I was going to save this information, keep it to myself for as long as I possibly could, but now that I see you five, I can't hold back so selfishly. I have to share! Yesterday morning, something very special happened to me. I was just getting out of the shower when my doorbell rang and what should I find when I looked into the hallway? Not the usual sort of visitor. No, indeed. I found a basket of babies. Two babies, to be exact. Twin Chinese girls, left to my care by their parents, who were the prey of vicious demons.
Gunn pauses to allow the others to react: gasps, oohs, aahs, etc. Then he resumes his tale.
GUNN: So you see, now that I have the children to think about, I'll be needing a lot of time off from work to care for them and make sure they are healthy and want for nothing.
FRED: Where are they now? I mean, you couldn't have left them alone.
GUNN: Harmony's watching them. She thought they were cute.
WESLEY: You had best hope she doesn't want to make a snack of them.
GUNN: Nah, Harm's okay. She's off the sauce. Besides, she knows I'll be back soon. Before I go, though, I have more to say. I've achieved an epiphany, and I want to share it with all you guys in the hope that you might examine your own lives in a new light. I had recently reached the realization that my life has become basically a vast, meaningless wasteland with no particular hope on the horizon. True, I love all of my friends, but one needs more than friendships, however valued they are, to feel truly alive, and I haven't been so fortunate for a long while now. Yesterday might mark the turning point in my existence. As of yesterday, I feel like I have a new reason for being that cannot be denied. I look into the sweet faces of those trusting infants and I see all the truth I need. The girls were fated to come to me, and once more I have a direction. How much better I feel. I only wish everyone could share my emotions. I have this advice for you: Fill your lives in some meaningful way. Do volunteer work; give of yourselves; contribute to the world; find what you need.
FRED: Charles, that was beautiful.
LORNE: It certainly was, plum cake. You're so inspirational.
ANGEL: This meeting may have begun on a negative note, but it's concluding on a much more positive one.
Everyone beams at Gunn.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CAFETERIA
WESLEY and FRED are sitting at a table, eating breakfast. Both have coffee and cakes before them. KNOX enters the cafeteria and goes to get a glass of orange juice. Wesley watches him, frowning.
FRED: This chocolate pastry is really good. Want a piece? Wesley? Hey, Wesley?
He tears his attention away from Knox and looks at her.
WESLEY: Sorry?
FRED: You didn't hear a word of what I just said, did you? It was like you were in another world entirely. (She looks across the room to see where Wesley had been staring and sees Knox.) What's wrong? Is it something to do with Knox?
WESLEY: I don't like that fellow one bit, but I can't put my finger on why.
FRED: You're just jealous. But you don't have any reason to be.
WESLEY: I suppose that must be it. After all, I can't think of any other explanation.
However, he continues to look at Knox, still frowning. Knox turns from getting his juice, sees Wesley, and waves.
WESLEY: I definitely don't like the look on his face. It's like he's trying to appear innocent, but something about it seems too calculating. Still waters may run deep, in this case.
FRED: Don't be silly. He's all right. Not the man for me, but not a bad guy. Now, let's finish breakfast and then get back to work.
Wesley finally stops watching Knox and listens to Fred, returning to his food.
WESLEY: It must have just been my imagination.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The place contains lots of new baby supplies (clothes, toys, diapers, etc.) and also the girls, who are lying side by side in bassinets. GUNN, now fully dressed, is examining the toys he has bought. He picks up a stuffed animal and glances at its tag.
GUNN: Oh, no. This will never do. The tag reads: "May present choking hazard to children younger than three." I accidentally purchased an item that is inappropriate for these innocent babies. This stuffed pelican is only suitable for children three years of age or older. If I give it to one of my girls, it could potentially kill her. How could I have been so careless, so cavalier with the lives of these helpless children? What was I thinking when I stood in the checkout lane of Toys R Us? Where, indeed, was my augmented brain at that precise moment?
Gunn strides over to the wastebasket and hurls the stuffed pelican into it, then turns back to the babies.
GUNN: I will never make that mistake again! And now, time to feed you two.
He gets a bottle of formula. Baby #1 begins to cry. Gunn picks her up.
GUNN: Here you go, baby.
He tries to feed her. She refuses to drink, but does stop crying. The second she does, baby #2 starts to scream. Gunn puts down the first baby and picks up the second. He holds the bottle up for her. She turns her face away and quits crying. Instantly, the first baby wails loudly. Gunn sets down baby #2 and picks up baby #1. Once more, she won't drink and stops crying, while the second baby emits an earpiercing screech. Frustrated, Gunn returns baby #1 to her bassinet and looks down at both children.
GUNN: Come on, give a guy a break here. What's going on? If I didn't know better, I'd say you two were doing this tag-team stuff on purpose, just to get to me. Now, you.... (His voice trails off.) Wait a sec. I don't know your names. Your parents didn't leave them on that note. I have to call you two something. How about Annie? Clara? Diana? Ellie? No, none of those sound right.
He looks down at the babies. Both have stopped crying and are innocently looking back up at him.
GUNN: I know! (He looks at the first baby.) You look like a Tia. (He looks at the second baby.) And you look like a Mia. Does that sound good?
The babies are silent.
GUNN: I'll take that as a "yes." Tia and Mia it is! Now will you eat?
He picks up the first baby and is able to feed her with no trouble.
GUNN: That's it, Tia. Be patient, Mia. I'll get to you in just a minute.
###############
SEWERS
Dark, dirty, disgusting. Typical nasty sewer. SPIKE is striding along, talking to himself as he scans his surroundings, clearly looking for something.
SPIKE: If I were Angelus, where would I stash the Gem of Amara? I know him, know him better than anyone else ever has or ever will, and if I can't figure it out, no one can. He would hide it somewhere dark and dank and quiet. He would hide it somewhere in these very sewers, near the place where he lived at the time. Yes, this time, when I approach him, it will be very different. This time, I'll get the reaction I want. Buffy rejected me at first, but that was before I had a soul. Now that I have my soul, I am worthy of being loved in return. I won't have to beg for it, to grovel like an unwanted mongrel.
Spike darts forward and reaches into a recess. When he withdraws his hand, he is holding a small, dirty box. He opens it. Inside is the Gem of Amara. Spike smiles triumphantly.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL'S OFFICE
NIGHT. The room is dark. The phone rings. ANGEL answers it from behind his desk.
ANGEL: Hello?
Brief silence. Then comes Kathy's voice.
KATHY: Never forget that I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for how you laughed, and kicked me, and told me I tasted like chicken. I'll never stop hating you. Every time you turn around I'll be there reminding you of my hatred. It will drape over you like an oppressive blanket. I hate you. And in case you didn't get the message the first six times, I HATE YOU!
The phone goes dead.
ANGEL: I guess she means she hates me, huh?
He hangs up and crosses to the window to look outside. The door opens, and SPIKE steps inside. He glances around and spots Angel. Without turning on the light, Spike walks over to the window. Angel glances over his shoulder and sees him. He sighs and turns back to the window.
ANGEL: What do *you* want? As if my day hasn't been long enough and bad enough already.
SPIKE: Um, I, uh, (He is obviously scrambling for an excuse; then he finds one.) came to tell you I have a hangnail and I think it's your fault.
ANGEL: I'm not surprised. Pretty much everything else lately seems to be.
SPIKE: Still upset about your little sis?
ANGEL: I'm afraid that Kathy will always hate me. And the worst part is, I can't blame her. I turned into a ravening, vicious monster who betrayed her trust and confidence, and ruined any slightest hope she might have ever had for happiness.
SPIKE: You have to remember, it was the demon that killed her, not you. If you'd had your soul then, you'd never have done such a thing.
ANGEL: That still doesn't change what happened. The fact that I tricked her and taunted her and hurt her and ruined her life. And what's going on with you, anyway? Why are you constantly underfoot? What keeps you around here?
The perfect moment has arrived; Spike seizes it.
SPIKE: Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you.
CUT TO: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds.
FADEOUT.
TITLE: Cancellation Notice 1/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
DISCLAIMER: "Buffy" and "Angel" characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. All songs are credited to the appropriate artists as they appear.
NOTE: Thanks to Sandi and Imzadi for suggestions that have been incorporated into this story.
"Know Thy Enemy"
It was a seemingly ordinary morning early in 2004 when Angel called an emergency meeting in his office. After Spike, Gunn, Lorne, and Wesley arrived, he announced, "I have bad news. We've been cancelled, as of the end of this season." He allowed a few moments for everyone to curse and complain before continuing. "The problem is that we don't attract enough viewers and our episodes don't do well in repeats. But don't count us out yet. I trust our fans to save us. They've already put together an online petition and they're racking up signatures to show their love and support for us. If they make enough noise, we can still return in the fall with new episodes."
Wesley seized onto this ray of hope. "Let's see how the petition is going." He logged onto the Internet, with the others gathered around to watch over his shoulder. Within a few moments, Wesley found the petition site and smiled. "Excellent. Over 40,000 people have signed it." Then he skimmed the list of signatures and his expression changed to a frown. "Oh, dear. This doesn't look good at all."
"What's wrong?" Gunn pressed.
"Shh. Let me check on something." Everyone else anxiously waited while Wesley examined several dozen pages of names. Finally he turned back to them. "I'm afraid this petition won't be taken seriously. Among other irregularities, someone named Mickey Mouse signed it 172 times last night, and President Bush is supposedly taking time out of his crowded schedule to visit it twice a day with words of encouragement."
"Okay, the petition's obviously not going to bail us out, but our fans are sure to phone and write and e-mail too," Angel pointed out. "The network can't overlook all that response."
Wesley nodded. "We'll definitely get fan reaction, but we need to do our part as well. We have six episodes left in which to raise our ratings. Essentially, how do we get more people to watch?"
"Look at the situation logically," Lorne urged. "We air on the WB network. We were cancelled, while other WB shows weren't. What do they have that we don't?"
Everyone was quiet. Then Angel said, "We don't know what they have because we don't watch them. We need to study the competition."
No one else had a better idea, so they went with Angel's. Wesley obtained a list of all the WB nighttime programming, and Angel sent a secretary to collect videotapes of the shows. When the material was accumulated, Angel looked at the list. "Right. You guys need to watch about two shows apiece. All the comedies together count as two, and the dramas are one each."
Even Spike accepted his assignment without too much protest, and the group agreed to return to Angel's office at 8 that evening with their reports. When they did, no one looked very happy.
Angel, who was settled down behind his desk with a notepad, prompted, "There's no time to waste. Lorne, tell us about the shows you watched."
"I saw eight episodes of 'Smallville.' In the first one, Clark battled a man who developed fire-starting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the second one, Clark battled a girl who developed shape-shifting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the third one, Clark battled a boy who suffered from permanent hypothermia as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the fourth one, Clark battled... oh, you get the point and I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. It was bad enough watching it over and over."
"The show is predictable. Right. We can do predictable," Angel said desperately as he made a note. "What about your other show, '7th Heaven'?"
"It's a preachy, sappy, feel-good family drama that never met a moral lesson it didn't like," Lorne summarized.
Angel made another note. "How about you, Spike?"
"I want you to know, I only helped out because I didn't come back from the dust just to be cancelled at the end of my first season here," Spike informed everyone. "Right, so I drew 'Everwood' and 'Gilmore Girls.' 'Everwood's' mostly social issues and old-fashioned narration. 'Gilmore Girls' is mostly quirky characters and snappy dialogue."
"We have snappy dialogue," Angel protested. "Well, sometimes we do. We have to work on the other part, though. Gunn, you're not quirky enough. Develop a quirk, fast. And while you're at it, what did watching the WB comedies tell you?"
"That they suck."
"Yeah, but what do they have that we don't?"
Gunn shrugged. "A laugh track, I guess."
Wesley spoke up. "I covered the remaining two series. 'Charmed' features three nubile sisters and derivative plots."
"What the hell does that mean?" Gunn demanded.
"They rely on sex to sell and you've seen most of their plots somewhere else before. Then there is 'One Tree Hill,' a series that attracts a substantial teen following and is considered to be a 'cool' show among many in that age group."
Spike said what most of the others were thinking. "What does all this rot tell us?"
Angel looked up from his notes. "It tells us that we need to become a whimsical, nostalgic, formulaic, sermonizing, unoriginal, hot, cool, socially conscious, female-oriented series with a laugh track. We have a lot of work to do, gang."
###########
"Revisionist History"
The day after learning about the cancellation, Gunn, Wesley, Angel, Lorne, and Spike again met in Angel's office.
"I've found another problem with our show," Lorne began. "We don't have enough female characters. The only women around are Harmony, Nina, Illyria, and Eve, and three of them are recurring. We need to start pairing up if we're going to copy 'One Tree Hill,' and we just don't have the cast to do it."
"Yeah," Gunn agreed. "Plus, does anyone out there even like Eve? She just ain't cuttin' it."
"Harmony is best taken in small doses," Lorne went on ("Too true," Spike muttered), "Nina has been tolerated so far, and fans resent Illyria for taking Fred's place. I'm sure you all will agree that this is quite an issue, since we badly need a signature couple fans can get behind."
"With Fred gone, we got nothing to bring to the table," Gunn stated.
"Actually, Fred doesn't have to be dead." Lorne displayed a thick sheaf of papers. "I took it upon myself to stay up last night collaborating with our writers, and together we managed to whip up our first new script. Here's a copy for each of us." He passed them around the table.
Gunn skimmed the first page of his. "Hey, I'm in the opening scene." He continued down the page. "Naked. I'm naked in the opening scene. Why am I naked in the opening scene?"
"You're wearing a towel," Lorne corrected. "It's because you just came out of the shower. There's a new mandate: All lead male characters must do at least one shirtless scene per episode. Angel's comes when he's exercising. Spike's is when he's getting out of bed. Wesley has his when he's changing clothes."
"What about yours?" asked Angel.
"I excused myself, because no one should have to look at that much green. Also, I'm just a tiny bit out of shape at the moment."
Gunn turned a page and stopped. "What's this? I find twin babies left on my doorstep?"
Lorne nodded. "Twin Chinese girls, left under your protection after their parents are killed by demons. '7th Heaven' has adorable twins, so we're ripping them off. Your story for this episode is to take care of the babies. Our new laugh track will be heavily utilized at random intervals during these hilarious scenes."
Wesley had flipped ahead in the script. "And my story apparently is to come up with a way to alter time and move us all back to two episodes ago, before Fred was infected, so that it never happens and she doesn't die. How in the world am I supposed to explain my ability to pull off this miracle? That portion of the script is blank."
"Make up an explanation full of big words and hope it confuses the audience so much that they have no choice but to believe you. What does it matter anyway? We'll have Fred back and you two can share sweet, mushy scenes and the audience will love it."
Angel looked up from his script. "What's this flashback scene? I don't understand what you're trying to do with it."
"Galway, 1753," said Lorne. "Angel, your little sister Kathy didn't really die back then, and she's joining the cast. The scene you're talking about is a newly created flashback where Angelus bit her but left before she was drained, assuming she would agonizingly bleed to death. She didn't. Instead she survived and became a half-vampire, meaning she retained her soul, doesn't age, and can go out in sunlight without burning up. Also, we adjusted her human age slightly. She is now 18; therefore, legal. What do you think of that?"
Dead silence answered him.
"Trust me, it'll be great," Lorne raved. "The flashback is an opportunity to give Angelus fans a treat, and also to crank up the laugh track. Angel-cakes, your fake Irish accent and bad hair will have them rolling in the aisles." Perhaps sensing Angel's true feelings, Lorne quickly changed the subject. "Oh, and before I forget, we need to repopulate the show by bringing back past characters." He handed each person a single sheet of paper. "Everyone, vote on who should return. Your choices are Cordelia, Kate, Gwen, Lilah, Justine, Darla, Drusilla, Penn, Lindsey, Connor, and the Groosalugg. Choose three each." When the others had marked their ballots, some with more enthusiasm than others, Lorne collected them. "Thanks. I'll look them over and let you know soon who's coming back."
Gunn rose. "If we're done here, I'm off to memorize my script."
"We can't be done," Spike protested. "We haven't even talked about my scenes."
"Saving the best for last, sweetie," Lorne assured him as Gunn dropped back into his chair. "Spike, you have some pivotal scenes. For instance, there's the one where you find the Gem of Amara Angel hid--"
"Wait a minute," Angel broke in. "The Gem of Amara doesn't exist anymore. I destroyed it way back in season one."
"No, you actually destroyed a fake and hid the real Gem in case of an emergency. Well, the emergency has arrived. We need you to be indestructible, so we're dusting off the Gem and putting it back into play." Lorne turned back to Spike. "In this episode, we also reveal a big secret--the real reason you've been hanging around Los Angeles instead of going to Europe after Buffy. Because frankly, that excuse about not being able to top your exit scene makes about as much sense as Wesley being able to alter time. Your revelation comes in a dramatic scene right at the end of the episode."
Spike nodded. "Right, then." He stood up. "I'm going to get a snack."
No one followed him. Wesley looked at Lorne. "What about you? What are you up to in this episode?"
"I appear in two token scenes just to remind viewers I'm still on the show."
Angel had stopped paying attention to the conversation and was skipping to the end of the script. "Who cares about that? I want to learn Spike's secret."
Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne moved to the final page as well. Gunn read the ending, which mostly consisted of Spike's dialogue: "'SPIKE: "Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you." Cut to: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds. Fadeout.'"
Gunn, Wesley, and Angel looked at each other in stunned silence. Wesley recovered first. "It's official. Common sense has packed its bags and left the building. Perhaps we should all follow?"
Before anyone could answer, from the hallway outside the office sounded a terrible howl, followed by a scream of, "What the bloody hell is this?"
Angel winced. "I think Spike just read the last page of the script, too."
#############
EPISODE: "A Fresh Start"
TEASER
Shots of families: picnicking in the park, in a swimming pool, eating at a restaurant, being photographed, at a reunion, attending a party, wearing Halloween costumes, playing together in a pile of leaves, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Family: What do you do with it, and what do you do without it? Sure, those younger siblings can be annoying, and when you're 30 and your mother phones to tell you to use an umbrella when it rains it can get on your nerves. But then, think of how your life would be if you didn't have those people in it. Poof! Suddenly, no little brother hanging on every word of your stories. No grandmother relating precious old memories. No uncle who used to push you on the swing when you were a kid. Then you realize how much you truly need family in your life, and what it would mean if you didn't have one.
FADE IN.
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The living room is deserted. We hear the sound of the SHOWER RUNNING a couple of rooms away. Then it stops. The doorbell RINGS, just once. A minute later, GUNN comes walking into the living room, naked. (LATE CHANGE: Censors say he can't be naked. He actually is wearing a towel around his waist; therefore, he is naked from the waist up.) He walks over to the front door and opens it in answer to the bell. He doesn't see anyone outside and moves to close the door. A motion on the floor attracts his attention first. Gunn looks down and sees a large basket containing two Chinese babies wrapped in a soft green blanket.
GUNN: What the--
He kneels and stares at the babies. They both are both awake and gazing back at him. They look to be in perfect health, from what we can see. A note is pinned to their blanket. Gunn unhooks the note and reads it aloud.
GUNN: (reading) "Dear Mr. Gunn, if you are looking at this note, we the parents of these wonderful little girls are dead, slaughtered by the ravening demons that have long held a vendetta against us. Despite our fiercest efforts, they must have found and demolished us. A good demon you once helped gave us your name as someone we could trust. Please take care of our beloved daughters and protect them as if they are your own, for now they indeed are. They are our legacy, and we only wish we could see them grow up."
Gunn looks back at the babies. They reach toward him with their little hands. He smiles.
GUNN: You two are the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
He carefully picks up the basket and carries it inside the penthouse.
###############
SPIKE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
SPIKE is in bed, sleeping, bare-chested. The sheet has slipped down to his waist. He is stirring and talking in his sleep. We see inside Spike's dream.
##SPIKE'S DREAM BEGINS##
Spike's perspective. He is standing in a room with just one small window in it. The room is very dark, with only a little light filtering into it from the window. A shadowy figure stands across the room. Spike cannot make out his face.
SPIKE: I hate you. I don't know why you always have to be on the periphery of my life or sometimes even closer, ruining it, dragging me down to nothing. I've never been able to get ahead, and it's all because of you. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, how much I wanted it, I've never been able to please you. It isn't fair, I tell you, it isn't fair!
He runs forward and attacks the figure, punching wildly. Whoever the other person is, he doesn't attempt to fight back. Finally Spike stops hitting him.
SPIKE: See? You've ruined me. I can't even fight properly anymore. And it's all because of you.
He stops; takes a few deep breaths; stares at his companion.
SPIKE: I should have realized it before, shouldn't I? All this time, the answer has been staring me in the face. It's time to stop denying it and give voice to the truth, for only then will I have power over it. (Takes another deep breath.) I love you.
The other person moves forward slightly, so that his face is no longer obscured. It is ANGEL.
SPIKE: I love you, Angel!
##SPIKE'S DREAM ENDS##
Spike abruptly awakens and sits up in bed, panting. He looks stunned.
SPIKE: It can't be true! Or can it? If my dream is telling me what I already subconsciously know, it means I'm in love with Angel. That's the reason I haven't left Los Angeles yet, despite having no real ties here. I love Angel, and I can't bear to be away from him. That's the reason I've made no real attempt to go away, and several lame excuses to stay. It *is* true!
Realization dawns on Spike's face.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
WESLEY'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
WESLEY is sleeping. He is smiling; it looks like he is having a very good dream. He begins to talk in his sleep.
WESLEY: Fred. Where are you, Fred?
Wesley wakes up but is still groggy. He begins to feel on the other side of the bed but finds only sheets. He quickly sits up.
WESLEY: Fred? Where are you?
Realization strikes him much like it did Spike in the previous scene; he stops his search.
WESLEY: Of course Fred is not here. She died. She is lost forever. It's time for me to get ready for work, but how can I do so when I know she won't be there? (He buries his face in his hands. Then his shoulders stiffen and he lifts his head.) Fred would want me to go on, not to give up. I must do what she would want, in her honor, no matter how difficult it is. I should go to work and try my best to make Fred proud of me. I only hope that horrible Illyria doesn't besmirch Fred's memory today.
###############
ILLYRIA'S PENTHOUSE (yes, she has one, too) - BEDROOM
ILLYRIA is in bed, sleeping. She, too, is smiling.
##ILLYRIA'S DREAM##
She is standing outside atop a huge platform, with thousands of people watching her. Her hair is at its bluest.
ILLYRIA: Bow down before me, you puny mortals. Acknowledge me as your superior, your rightful ruler. My old world may be gone, but I will take over this new one and make it even better. Bow, I say!
Sparks fly out from the tips of her fingers. Below, much crying and screaming and general panic as most of the people cower on the ground. One man, though, runs away. Illyria raises her hand and shoots him with a blue power bolt. The man is frozen.
ILLYRIA: You see, at my whim I may dispose of this insolent human. It would be very easy for me. Instead, though, I choose to be merciful--just this one time.
Illyria snaps her fingers. The man is able to move again. Trembling, he immediately kneels with his head down.
ILLYRIA: I survey the teeming masses and I have only this to say: Today, Los Angeles; tomorrow, the world!
A little girl separates herself from the crowd and walks up the steps at the front of the platform and right over to Illyria. Illyria raises her hand and attempts to zap this child, too, but the girl holds up her hand and blocks Illyria's power bolt. Then the little girl punches Illyria and sends her flying backward.
GIRL: You're nothing but a big bully with bad hair!
Illyria picks herself up and attempts to use another power bolt, but it doesn't work. She waves her hand and tries again, still with no success. Her energy is gone.
GIRL: You're the ruler of nothing. Go away!
All the people stand up and begin to chant:
PEOPLE: Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!
##ILLYRIA'S DREAM ENDS##
Illyria sits up, wide awake. She looks down at her hands and attempts to shoot the bolts but fails like she did in her dream.
ILLYRIA: I *will* get my power back. I *will* display my superiority over others. I *am* better than these humans.
Looking determined, Illyria stands up.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
ANGEL is in bed, sleeping.
##ANGEL'S DREAM##
Angel is standing in the middle of nothingness. It is black all around him. He hears a voice only. It sounds like that of a young woman.
VOICE: Liam, help! Save me from the evil vampire! It wants to eat me! Help! Liam!
ANGEL: I'm coming, Kathy! (He looks around but still can't see anything.) Where are you? I can't see you! Keep calling me and I'll come toward your voice! (Silence.) Kathy? Kathy!
KATHY: AAAAAAHHHHHH! Help! AAAAAHH-- (Her scream is cut off.)
ANGEL: Kathy! (He runs wildly but it does no good and he stops, confused.) Kathy!
##ANGEL'S DREAM ENDS##
Angel sits up, awake.
ANGEL: It's okay. It was just a dream. A very bad dream, but only a dream. My little sister couldn't have been calling me for help, because she's been dead for a very long time.
Shaking, Angel gets out of bed and goes to prepare for work.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
CLOSEUP of new Wolfram & Hart logo on the wall. It reads, "Repair, Reuse, Recycle." An anthropomorphic WOLF, RAM, and HART are pictured doing their best to fulfill this new slogan. The wolf is fixing a radio, the ram is refilling a plastic container, and the hart is placing newspapers inside a recycling bin. These logos are positioned all over the building and will frequently appear in the background of shots.
CUT TO: WESLEY, who is standing off to the side, soliloquizing.
WESLEY: Whatever shall I do without Fred in my life? It really isn't fair. We had just found each other and were going to be happy, and we ended up having so little time together. It's like some evil genius is watching over us, ready to sabotage our lives just as soon as we attain even the smallest measure of happiness. It's bad enough that Fred is gone, but even worse, I have to cope with the presence of the being that has taken over her body. I can barely stand to look at Illyria knowing that Fred is gone forever, beyond all hope of recovery. Words cannot begin to express the wrongness of this situation.
HARMONY walks down the hallway. She pats Wesley on the back in sympathy as she passes him. Wesley smiles bravely, squares his shoulders, and begins walking again. He turns the corner and sees ILLYRIA standing in the hallway, with Harmony approaching her. As Harmony steps nearer, Illyria grabs her for no apparent reason and throws her against the wall, then picks her up and holds her ready to throw again. Wesley runs forward and grabs Illyria's arm. She merely looks at him.
WESLEY: Illyria! Stop hurting poor Harmony!
ILLYRIA: Why?
WESLEY: Because she is innocent! You have no reason to attack her.
ILLYRIA: I am bored. I need entertainment, and I also need to keep my fighting skills in practice, though this pathetic creature does not offer much of a challenge.
WESLEY: You can keep entertained in some other manner. I'll find something for you to do. You just have to stop abusing people. Now let go.
ILLYRIA: Very well. (She releases Harmony, who slumps to the floor, stunned.)
WESLEY: Follow me, Illyria.
She trails him down the hallway. In the background, we get a glimpse of ANGEL walking in the other direction. A moment later, SPIKE skulks after him. Back to Wesley and Illyria: He leads her into a dark room that contains a desk, couch, TV set, and other odds and ends. Wesley flicks on the light and points to the TV.
WESLEY: This object is called a television set. I'll show you how to operate it, and then I expect you to stay here like a good little obedient Smurf and watch it until I come back for you. We receive more than 800 channels here. If this doesn't keep you safely occupied, I don't know what will.
ILLYRIA: It sounds intriguing. Show me.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
MONTAGE: GUNN doing baby things such as feeding them, changing their diapers, reading to them, helping them stand up, burping them. Eventually he drops onto the couch, exhausted.
GUNN: You two are going to be the death of me, but I'll enjoy every second of it.
The phone rings; Gunn answers.
GUNN: Hello? ... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't call and say I wouldn't be coming to work today. I'm taking the day off. ... Thank you. (He hangs up and resumes his talk to the babies.) I should tell Angel and Wes and the others about you little miracles, shouldn't I? Only, I find myself strangely reluctant to do just that. I think I need to keep you two to myself for just a little while longer. In an odd way, you'll seem less "mine" once I've shared the news of your existence with others.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL'S OFFICE
ANGEL is slumped on the couch, awash in memories. He tries to force them away but they continue to hammer at his brain. One, in particular, stands out.
##ANGEL'S MEMORY BEGINS## (Note: newly created flashback)
GALWAY, 1753.
NIGHT. Angel's parents' house. ANGELUS (with very bad, long, scruffy hair for comic effect) is lurking outside. The house is dark. He looks up, at a window on the second floor. Then he tosses a small rock against the window. He waits. Throws another rock and lightly hits the window with it. After another minute, a candle is lit inside the room and then the window opens. Framed in the light we see Angel's younger sister KATHY, a beauteous lass of 18 summers. She is wearing a very low-cut, anachronistic negligee, to emphasize the point that she is now of legal age. She peers outside. Angelus steps out of the shadows so she can see him. (NOTE: Terrible Irish accent for Angelus is a must in this scene! It adds to the humor quotient!)
ANGELUS: Psst! Kathy!
Kathy spots him and gasps theatrically. Her hand flutters to her mouth in an exaggerated gesture of shock.
KATHY: Liam! But no, it cannot be you, my beloved older brother who drinks and womanizes and steals yet is still a wonderful big brother to me. You are said to be cold in the ground by now. Are you an angel, then, come back to visit me?
ANGELUS: Nay, I'm no' an angel. I'm much, much better dan dat.
KATHY: Yet Father said you died. How can you be here, then?
ANGELUS: Ye know he hates me. He be angry wit' me, an' he wants me ta go 'way fore'er and e'er. But I couldna leave me dear little sister wit'out sayin' goodbye ta her.
KATHY: Do you have to go?
ANGELUS: Oh, I fear I havena any choice. But before I take me leave, I want ta speak wit' ye. Quietly, now, hasten downstairs an' open the door so we may converse one final time.
Kathy disappears from the window. Angelus walks over to the door and waits. Soon, the door opens and he sees Kathy.
ANGELUS: (aside) Can she *be* any stupider?
KATHY: What did you say?
ANGELUS: Oh, merely what a good, lovin' sister ye are. Ask me in, just dis once more.
KATHY: Come in, Liam.
Angelus enters the house, breaking the fourth wall with a smirk and a wink to the audience.
ANGELUS: Tank ye, Kathy. Dat was exactly what I needed. An' do ye know what ye need?
KATHY: Nothing, now that I know you're alive, my wonderful big brother.
ANGELUS: Ah, dat's where ye're wrong!
Angelus vamps out. Kathy starts to scream, but he places a hand over her mouth as he bites deeply into her neck and drinks. Kathy's struggles last only briefly and then she hangs limply as Angelus quenches his thirst. He pulls away. Kathy's eyelids flutter. Angelus drops her to the ground and stands over her in triumph.
ANGELUS: Ye havena died yet, but ye will, soon enough. Mayhap ye will suffer thricefold wit' da knowledge dat ye asked fer yer own death. Ye will bleed ta death, slow an' sure, lyin' here in agony, an' me da will find yer corpse in da mornin', in a pool o' yer own liquids. Farewell, ye annoyin' child. Oh, an' one more ting: Ye tasted like chicken.
He kicks Kathy in the side and walks away, licking his lips.
##ANGEL'S MEMORY ENDS##
Angel shudders as the horrible memory concludes.
ANGEL: Why am I thinking of Kathy again, so suddenly, after so many years? I don't understand.
CUT TO: SPIKE, who is lurking outside the door. He chooses his moment and slinks inside the office. Angel looks up to see Spike offering him a cup.
SPIKE: I brought you your blood.
ANGEL: (suspiciously) And why would you do that? You must want something, seeing that you have an ulterior motive for every single thing you do.
SPIKE: Sometimes a mug of blood is just a mug of blood.
Angel hesitates, then takes the cup and sips the blood. Spike sits down beside him.
SPIKE: Remember the good old days, Angel?
ANGEL: You mean when we were terrorizing Europe, killing people right and left? I'd hardly call those good.
SPIKE: Nah, I mean a more recent time. Say, a few years ago, when Buffy sent you the Gem of Amara.
ANGEL: I wouldn't call that good, either. You tried to steal it from me and had me tortured in your attempts to get the ring for yourself.
SPIKE: Didn't work, did it, so we're even on that one, right? I mean, Marcus ended up with it.
ANGEL: No, he didn't. I followed him and got it back.
SPIKE: Did you, now? So why aren't you using it yourself? It was a right handy little item, protecting you from sunlight and stakings and whatnot.
ANGEL: At the time, I told Doyle I was afraid if I could go out during the day, I would lose sight of my mission and stop helping the people who needed me the most. I had to destroy the ring to remove the temptation.
SPIKE: Angel, you've done a lot of stupid things over the decades, but that move might have been the dumbest. I don't know anyone else who would demolish the item that would save him from death no matter what.
ANGEL: I didn't really destroy it. I just smashed a fake in front of Doyle. Then I hid the real thing away in case of an emergency.
SPIKE: Where it is, then?
ANGEL: I'm not telling you!
SPIKE: Ah. So, you forgot where you stowed it, huh?
ANGEL: Yes. All right? Yes, I forgot!
SPIKE: I'm beginning to detect a pattern here: of you becoming forgetful, misplacing precious items, and getting crotchety. You're old, Angel!
ANGEL: Shut up, Spike.
SPIKE: All right, all right. Just, if you had given me the Gem to begin with, it wouldn't be missing right now, would it?
ANGEL: Let's just stop talking about it. If I can't have it, I don't want to discuss it with you.
SPIKE: Sure.
Spike is quick to agree with Angel, but he has a thoughtful expression on his face. Busy not paying attention to Spike, Angel does not notice it.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is behind his desk, staring into space. There is a tap on the door and then HARMONY opens it and enters, walking up to the front of the desk.
HARMONY: Wesley? Hey, hello.
She waves to attract his attention. Abruptly, Wesley focuses on her.
WESLEY: Yes? What is it, Harmony?
HARMONY: I hate to bother you. I mean, I really hate to do it. I know you were just sitting there mooning over poor Fred and being all sorry that she died in such a horrible way and you can't be with her ever, ever again, but you know, life does go on for the rest of us. At least the rest of us who are alive. If we aren't alive then life goes on around us and we get to observe it. Well, you know what I mean.
WESLEY: At this point, I don't care what you mean. What do you want?
HARMONY: I think something's wrong with Illyria.
WESLEY: Isn't that a fact of her being?
HARMONY: Huh?
WESLEY: Never mind. Just tell me whatever it is that concerns you, and do it quickly, please.
HARMONY: I was! You know how you shut her up in that office with the TV set? I don't think it worked out like you wanted. Everyone's complaining about these weird noises they hear coming from inside that room.
WESLEY: It must be the program she's watching. She probably turned the volume up too high.
HARMONY: No, I don't think that's it. I pressed my ear against the door and I definitely heard Illyria's voice. She's making these really weird sounds, kind of like she's having a fit or something. It's scary. And don't tell me to do something about it. I won't go near her again. She's absolutely horrible. You saw how she treated me earlier. She slung me around like a sack of rotten potatoes, for no reason at all. I don't want anything to do with her, ever again.
WESLEY: All right, thank you for telling me. I should have known she would find a way to take any peaceful interlude from me. I'll check matters out.
Wesley leaves his office and approaches the room where he left Illyria. LORNE is standing outside it, ear against the door. He winces, and then steps back when he sees Wesley.
LORNE: Oh, honey, I had hoped when Illyria took up residence that the singing voice would improve even a tad. Wishful thinking.
Wesley presses his ear against the door and briefly listens, too. He hears an off-key sort of singing from inside. He looks at Lorne.
WESLEY: You aren't wrong. I suppose I have to take care of this latest problem.
Wesley opens the door and sees Illyria watching a cartoon on TV. The program is "The Smurfs." She is singing along to it. Wesley quickly steps inside and shuts the door.
ILLYRIA: "La la la la la la, la la la la la. La la la la la la, la la la la la..."
WESLEY: Illyria, what in heaven's name are you doing? What is that terrible noise you're making?
Illyria stops singing but leaves the TV on as she faces Wesley.
ILLYRIA: I was singing along with the characters on this program. You call me a Smurf and I am watching "The Smurfs" television show to find out why. I notice a significant imbalance in the ratio of female to male Smurfs, which makes me wonder how quickly they are able to reproduce, and in what quantities. Inbreeding must be prevalent, which would account for their similarities in appearance. The female Smurf I have been watching has blonde hair. Would you like me better if I had blonde hair?
WESLEY: I don't think anything could make me like you better. Your presence is a travesty. You shouldn't be here; Fred should! I will never prefer you to her, and I will never stop wishing I had her back rather than you around.
ILLYRIA: You have no choice in the matter. I am present and your Fred is gone. Your futile display of emotion succeeds in doing nothing except annoying me and upsetting you.
WESLEY: You truly believe I have to just live with the knowledge that you're here to stay and Fred will never be back? Oh, we'll see about that!
Wesley storms out of the room. Losing interest in him, Illyria turns back to the TV set, where Papa Smurf is giving a rousing speech.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is singing to the BABIES. Very bad voice; hilarious singing because it is so awful.
GUNN: (singing) "Rock-a-bye, baby,
In the tree top.
When the wind blows,
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall,
And down will come baby,
Cradle and all."
His voice cracks several times, especially at the end, but the babies seem to love it.
GUNN: Either you both have tin ears, or you're just naturally happy. Oh, well, I never claimed to be Tony Bennett. As long as you like it....
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - EXERCISE ROOM
ANGEL, SHIRTLESS, is exercising. He is alone in the room. He finishes his push-ups and does a series of pull-ups. Finally he is done. He gets dressed and leaves the building. Outside, the sun is down. It is early evening. Angel begins walking in no particular direction. He looks very restless and unsettled. As he walks, he glances at the people he passes. Casual looks, not seeing anyone he knows. At first. Then a particular FACE of a young woman perhaps a hundred yards away captures his attention. Angel stops dead, staring.
ANGEL: Kathy?
He quickly moves forward, shoving people aside, tripping an old man who is using a walker, sideswiping a baby carriage (from behind him, SPIKE swoops in and rescues the baby just in time; Angel doesn't even notice), rushing ahead until he reaches the spot where he saw the young woman. She is no longer there. He turns in a circle, desperately staring around, but he does not see her. Disappointed reaction; face falls, shoulders slump.
ANGEL: It wasn't her. Of course it wasn't. It isn't possible. It was stupid of me to think, even for a moment, that I had seen her. Kathy has been dead at the end of my razor-sharp fangs for more years than anyone in this street has been alive.
He shakes his head at his own stupidity, then turns and walks away. CUT TO: nearby bookstore. From inside, the woman Angel pursued is watching him. She makes no attempt to follow him, however. CUT TO: Angel, who continues to stride along, paying little attention to where he is going. He plows through a CROWD, bumping into several of the people.
MAN: Hey, you! Watch where you're going!
Angel turns on him with a snarl, his eyes flashing yellow.
MAN: On second thought, you walk wherever you want, and I'll just get out of your way.
The man scrambles away; Angel turns and continues down the street for a short distance. Then he turns into a deserted alley and proceeds until he is about halfway down it. At this point, he whirls around to see Spike about 20 feet behind him. Spike makes a quick movement as if to try to hide but then halts, realizing that Angel has caught him. Resigned, Spike remains in the open.
ANGEL: Spike, what the hell do you think you're doing?
SPIKE: (innocently, bluffing) What do you mean?
ANGEL: Every time I've turned around today, there you are. It's gotten to the point where I can't step out of my office without you on my trail.
SPIKE: I don't know what you're talking about. I just happened to be heading the same way as you, is all.
ANGEL: Down a stinking, rat-infested alley? A likely story.
SPIKE: Believe it or not, it's the truth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.
He turns as if to leave. Angel strides over and grabs his arm, forcing Spike to face him again.
ANGEL: Oh, no, you don't. I'm not making it that easy for you. I want the truth and I want it now. You're obviously hatching some evil scheme against me. I want to know what it is.
SPIKE: I'm not evil anymore. I have a soul, same as you. Well, not quite the same as you. Mine is better. I *wanted* mine, fought for it. You had yours shoved upon you, totally unwillingly. My soul is worth 10 of yours. Probably more.
ANGEL: I'm not getting into this debate again. Just forget the whole thing, and leave me alone from now on!
Angel turns and stalks away, occasionally glancing over his shoulder to make sure Spike is not following him again. Spike watches Angel leave before going in the other direction.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
WESLEY is the only person in the lab. He looks very grim and is talking to himself.
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(NOTE: ABOVE IS ADLIB OF APPROXIMATELY THREE MINUTES IN LENGTH. EXPLANATION OF WESLEY'S NEWFOUND ABILITY TO ALTER TIME IN ORDER TO SAVE FRED. This ability will never be referenced or utilized again unless absolutely necessary. I.e., we write ourselves into another corner.)
Wesley stops talking and walks over to a silvery piece of equipment with many complicated-looking dials and knobs on it. He examines it and makes a few adjustments.
WESLEY: I waited until nighttime, when prying eyes will be absent and unable to witness my desperate attempt to alter the very fabric of time. If my calculations are correct, time will be altered and Fred will no longer be gone. However, almost everything else that has happened to any of us over the past few days will remain the same. The only alterations to our memories and timeline events will be to those parts that surround Fred. None of us will remember that she was infected and died, or that I changed time to save her.
He takes a deep breath, then presses the "start" button on the piece of equipment. It whirs into action. Suddenly, Wesley gasps, alarmed.
WESLEY: Oh, no! I forgot! If I move us back in time then Knox will be alive and lurking around, a menacing presence plotting against my Fred. Even worse, my memories of his treachery will no longer exist and he will have a clear road to Fred once more.
Wesley grabs the machine and tries to stop the process, but he realizes he is too late. It has started and there is no way to halt it now. The room goes dim around him, and the machine glows silvery bright.
WESLEY: I can only hope that everything works out for the best now. I can't bear to lose Fred yet again.
A brilliant light fills the room; Wesley clutches his head and collapses on the floor.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is watching TV with the volume down very low so that he can hear the babies if they cry. (They are in their own bedroom, which used to be a spare room.) The power goes out briefly and the ground shakes slightly. This happens at the precise moment when Wesley's attempt to alter time takes place, but of course Gunn is unaware of his friend's experiment.
GUNN: What was that? An earthquake?
He jumps up to check on the babies and manages to stub his toe on the coffee table. Swearing and hopping on one foot, he nevertheless makes it into their room to see them still sleeping, obviously were not bothered by the minor disturbance.
GUNN: I hope that movement just now wasn't a foreshock. I'd hate to think of a big earthquake striking Los Angeles and causing untold amounts of damage. I'll just stay awake for a while to be sure nothing else is going to happen tonight. And to be safe, I'll sit up in this room so I can protect the girls if anything *does* happen.
He pulls up a chair, rubs his smarting toe, and settles down next to the crib.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
WESLEY is lying unconscious on the floor. FRED enters, sees him, and cries out in shock. She hurries over and drops to her knees beside him.
FRED: Wesley! Wesley, are you all right? No, obviously you're not. What happened in here? Did someone attack you?
She looks at Wesley again and can see no blood or any other obvious sign of injury. She feels for a pulse and is relieved when she finds one. The machine Wesley used to alter time lies harmlessly nearby. Fred merely glances at it and away, having no clue as to its true purpose.
FRED: Wesley, please, you have to be all right.
Wesley moans and stirs. His eyes flick open.
WESLEY: Fred? Is that you?
FRED: Yes! Yes, it is! What happened to you? I came in and found you lying on the floor, unconscious. You scared me so much.
Slowly, Wesley sits up. He puts a hand to his head and closes his eyes, then opens them again.
WESLEY: I have no idea what happened. I think I came here looking for you, but that's the last I can recall. I feel dizzy and weak, but otherwise unharmed.
FRED: Then you just fainted? Why? Have you eaten today?
WESLEY: Not much. I *am* quite hungry, now that I think about it. Perhaps that's the explanation--that I'm weak from hunger and it caused my collapse.
He slowly stands up, with Fred hovering next to him ready to help if need be. Fred indicates the silvery machine.
FRED: Do you know what that is? I don't remember seeing it in here before.
WESLEY: I have no idea. Perhaps Knox brought it in. (He frowns.) Knox. Why does the very thought of him make me feel sick? I have this terrible feeling that I came incredibly close to losing you forever, but that can't be true. You're here with me now, and you look fine.
FRED: You don't, though. You're not going to faint again, are you? Sit down, quick.
WESLEY: No, I'd better go and have something to eat. Maybe then I'll remember what happened.
FRED: Hey, this is really weird. Why are we both here so late at night? Oh, well, the important thing is to make sure you're all right.
Slowly, Wesley leaves the lab with Fred right beside him in support.
###############
ALLEY NEAR WOLFRAM & HART
ANGEL is aimlessly wandering in the shadows of the alley as the sun rises. He is fully sheltered as long as he doesn't go onto the street. He is near the end of the alley, by the sunny street, when, without fanfare, a WOMAN emerges to stand before him. She looks just like the Kathy we saw in Angel's memory. (NOTE: She wears a catsuit, which will be her TRADEMARK OUTFIT. In this episode, the catsuit is purple.) Angel reacts in shock, gasping and staring at the woman as if unable to believe his eyes.
ANGEL: No. No, it can't be. My dear sister Kathy has been dead these two centuries and more. You're a ghost, a vision, a demon taking her form so as to torment me even more.
KATHY: I assure you, I'm as real as you are.
ANGEL: Then you must merely look like her. That's all you are--someone with a stunning resemblance to my Kathy. It's said, after all, that each of us has a twin somewhere in this world.
KATHY: Yet in all the years I've existed, I've never met mine--*Liam*.
ANGEL: You know my human name? Then you really are Kathy? It truly is you, somehow?
KATHY: How astute of you, big brother. Of course, you *should* remember my face, seeing that you laughed in it as you left me for dead and ruined my life.
ANGEL: How can this be? I remember so well, how I tricked you and bit you and left you lying there, dying on the floor, blood dripping from the wounds in your throat. You should have died by now, one way or the other. If by some miracle you survived that particular night, no human lives to be over 200 years old. You'd be old and wrinkled and gray, at the very least, definitely not looking as young as you did the last time I saw you.
KATHY: Ah, but I am not completely human anymore, thanks to you.
ANGEL: What do you mean?
Kathy smiles at him. It is a chilling smile, though, not a friendly one. Then she vamps out and bares her fangs to better show them off. Angel reels back a step.
ANGEL: No! It can't be!
KATHY: Will you stop saying that? It obviously *is*.
ANGEL: But all I did was drink your blood. I didn't feed you any of mine, and that is required to create a vampire. Unless, that is, after I left you, another vampire came along, got an invitation into the house, found you, and fed you. Did that happen?
KATHY: You still don't get it. I guess I'll just have to show you and hope you finally catch on.
She turns and walks a few paces away, directly into the sunlight.
ANGEL: Kathy, no! Stop!
His call comes too late; Kathy is standing in full light. But she isn't on fire. The sunlight appears to have absolutely no negative effect on her. Angel remains in the shade, looking at her in disbelief.
ANGEL: You're not on fire. How are you not on fire? You're a vampire, and you should be burning as I watch.
KATHY: I'm not just a vampire. I'm also partly human. I'm half and half. I've retained my soul, and sunlight poses no threat to me.
ANGEL: This is incredible. I can hardly believe what I'm seeing and hearing.
KATHY: Oh, believe it, Liam. Or Angel, as I hear you're calling yourself now. I'm here as sure as you are. Now listen carefully: I hate you with every fiber of my being, and that will never change.
Kathy turns and stalks away, still in the sunlight. Angel stares after her.
ANGEL: This cannot mean anything good. I'd better warn the others that we may be facing our most disturbing threat ever--my own sister! (Beat.) Though she does have great fashion sense. I wonder where she bought that catsuit.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANGEL is seated at the head of a long table. SPIKE, LORNE, GUNN, FRED, and WESLEY are also present. Angel looks very serious. He holds up a hand for silence and attention. The others turn to him.
ANGEL: I understand that this meeting was called on very short notice, but I have a very good reason for wanting you all here. A problem has arisen that may grow to concern all of us. Forewarned is forearmed. During our years of battle, we have all learned that lesson, and it wouldn't be smart to ignore it now. Everyone, this is extremely important. For those of you who don't know, back in 1753, when I was human, I had a younger sister named Kathy. When I was turned into a vampire I quickly targeted her as a victim. I bit her and left her to bleed to death. It was a terrible thing to do, and I'm certainly not proud of it.
LORNE: Aw, Angel, we all know you regret your past. You don't need to keep apologizing for it.
ANGEL: In this case, I do. You see, as it turns out, against all odds, Kathy did not bleed to death. Somehow she survived my death bite and mutated into a creature that is half-human, half-vampire. The good news is that she still has her soul, so she poses no real danger to humans in general. The bad news is that she hates me. I wanted to warn all of you, just in case. It's possible that Kathy's rage might extend beyond me. She might harbor feelings of intense resentment toward you, my good friends. Watch your steps, for I would never forgive myself if she sought to avenge herself on any of you innocent souls.
Thoughtful silence ensues. Spike breaks it.
SPIKE: When you refer to your "good friends" and I happen to be in the room at the time, by your invitation, you're including me as someone you care about, right?
Angel doesn't answer. Wesley clears his throat.
WESLEY: This story about your sister is quite fascinating. She sounds unique in the annals of vampirekind.
GUNN: In a real bad way, seems to me.
FRED: I feel sorry for her. I mean, if she's had her soul all this time, she must have suffered a lot. She'd have to deal with guilt and confusion and anger and all sorts of other nasty emotions.
ANGEL: Just be careful, all of you. Please.
The others nod.
GUNN: Since we're together, I have news, too. And it's a heck of a lot better news than Angel's "some angry sis might be out to get you guys" news. No offense.
ANGEL: (sighs) None taken. So what's up with you?
GUNN: I was going to save this information, keep it to myself for as long as I possibly could, but now that I see you five, I can't hold back so selfishly. I have to share! Yesterday morning, something very special happened to me. I was just getting out of the shower when my doorbell rang and what should I find when I looked into the hallway? Not the usual sort of visitor. No, indeed. I found a basket of babies. Two babies, to be exact. Twin Chinese girls, left to my care by their parents, who were the prey of vicious demons.
Gunn pauses to allow the others to react: gasps, oohs, aahs, etc. Then he resumes his tale.
GUNN: So you see, now that I have the children to think about, I'll be needing a lot of time off from work to care for them and make sure they are healthy and want for nothing.
FRED: Where are they now? I mean, you couldn't have left them alone.
GUNN: Harmony's watching them. She thought they were cute.
WESLEY: You had best hope she doesn't want to make a snack of them.
GUNN: Nah, Harm's okay. She's off the sauce. Besides, she knows I'll be back soon. Before I go, though, I have more to say. I've achieved an epiphany, and I want to share it with all you guys in the hope that you might examine your own lives in a new light. I had recently reached the realization that my life has become basically a vast, meaningless wasteland with no particular hope on the horizon. True, I love all of my friends, but one needs more than friendships, however valued they are, to feel truly alive, and I haven't been so fortunate for a long while now. Yesterday might mark the turning point in my existence. As of yesterday, I feel like I have a new reason for being that cannot be denied. I look into the sweet faces of those trusting infants and I see all the truth I need. The girls were fated to come to me, and once more I have a direction. How much better I feel. I only wish everyone could share my emotions. I have this advice for you: Fill your lives in some meaningful way. Do volunteer work; give of yourselves; contribute to the world; find what you need.
FRED: Charles, that was beautiful.
LORNE: It certainly was, plum cake. You're so inspirational.
ANGEL: This meeting may have begun on a negative note, but it's concluding on a much more positive one.
Everyone beams at Gunn.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CAFETERIA
WESLEY and FRED are sitting at a table, eating breakfast. Both have coffee and cakes before them. KNOX enters the cafeteria and goes to get a glass of orange juice. Wesley watches him, frowning.
FRED: This chocolate pastry is really good. Want a piece? Wesley? Hey, Wesley?
He tears his attention away from Knox and looks at her.
WESLEY: Sorry?
FRED: You didn't hear a word of what I just said, did you? It was like you were in another world entirely. (She looks across the room to see where Wesley had been staring and sees Knox.) What's wrong? Is it something to do with Knox?
WESLEY: I don't like that fellow one bit, but I can't put my finger on why.
FRED: You're just jealous. But you don't have any reason to be.
WESLEY: I suppose that must be it. After all, I can't think of any other explanation.
However, he continues to look at Knox, still frowning. Knox turns from getting his juice, sees Wesley, and waves.
WESLEY: I definitely don't like the look on his face. It's like he's trying to appear innocent, but something about it seems too calculating. Still waters may run deep, in this case.
FRED: Don't be silly. He's all right. Not the man for me, but not a bad guy. Now, let's finish breakfast and then get back to work.
Wesley finally stops watching Knox and listens to Fred, returning to his food.
WESLEY: It must have just been my imagination.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The place contains lots of new baby supplies (clothes, toys, diapers, etc.) and also the girls, who are lying side by side in bassinets. GUNN, now fully dressed, is examining the toys he has bought. He picks up a stuffed animal and glances at its tag.
GUNN: Oh, no. This will never do. The tag reads: "May present choking hazard to children younger than three." I accidentally purchased an item that is inappropriate for these innocent babies. This stuffed pelican is only suitable for children three years of age or older. If I give it to one of my girls, it could potentially kill her. How could I have been so careless, so cavalier with the lives of these helpless children? What was I thinking when I stood in the checkout lane of Toys R Us? Where, indeed, was my augmented brain at that precise moment?
Gunn strides over to the wastebasket and hurls the stuffed pelican into it, then turns back to the babies.
GUNN: I will never make that mistake again! And now, time to feed you two.
He gets a bottle of formula. Baby #1 begins to cry. Gunn picks her up.
GUNN: Here you go, baby.
He tries to feed her. She refuses to drink, but does stop crying. The second she does, baby #2 starts to scream. Gunn puts down the first baby and picks up the second. He holds the bottle up for her. She turns her face away and quits crying. Instantly, the first baby wails loudly. Gunn sets down baby #2 and picks up baby #1. Once more, she won't drink and stops crying, while the second baby emits an earpiercing screech. Frustrated, Gunn returns baby #1 to her bassinet and looks down at both children.
GUNN: Come on, give a guy a break here. What's going on? If I didn't know better, I'd say you two were doing this tag-team stuff on purpose, just to get to me. Now, you.... (His voice trails off.) Wait a sec. I don't know your names. Your parents didn't leave them on that note. I have to call you two something. How about Annie? Clara? Diana? Ellie? No, none of those sound right.
He looks down at the babies. Both have stopped crying and are innocently looking back up at him.
GUNN: I know! (He looks at the first baby.) You look like a Tia. (He looks at the second baby.) And you look like a Mia. Does that sound good?
The babies are silent.
GUNN: I'll take that as a "yes." Tia and Mia it is! Now will you eat?
He picks up the first baby and is able to feed her with no trouble.
GUNN: That's it, Tia. Be patient, Mia. I'll get to you in just a minute.
###############
SEWERS
Dark, dirty, disgusting. Typical nasty sewer. SPIKE is striding along, talking to himself as he scans his surroundings, clearly looking for something.
SPIKE: If I were Angelus, where would I stash the Gem of Amara? I know him, know him better than anyone else ever has or ever will, and if I can't figure it out, no one can. He would hide it somewhere dark and dank and quiet. He would hide it somewhere in these very sewers, near the place where he lived at the time. Yes, this time, when I approach him, it will be very different. This time, I'll get the reaction I want. Buffy rejected me at first, but that was before I had a soul. Now that I have my soul, I am worthy of being loved in return. I won't have to beg for it, to grovel like an unwanted mongrel.
Spike darts forward and reaches into a recess. When he withdraws his hand, he is holding a small, dirty box. He opens it. Inside is the Gem of Amara. Spike smiles triumphantly.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL'S OFFICE
NIGHT. The room is dark. The phone rings. ANGEL answers it from behind his desk.
ANGEL: Hello?
Brief silence. Then comes Kathy's voice.
KATHY: Never forget that I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for how you laughed, and kicked me, and told me I tasted like chicken. I'll never stop hating you. Every time you turn around I'll be there reminding you of my hatred. It will drape over you like an oppressive blanket. I hate you. And in case you didn't get the message the first six times, I HATE YOU!
The phone goes dead.
ANGEL: I guess she means she hates me, huh?
He hangs up and crosses to the window to look outside. The door opens, and SPIKE steps inside. He glances around and spots Angel. Without turning on the light, Spike walks over to the window. Angel glances over his shoulder and sees him. He sighs and turns back to the window.
ANGEL: What do *you* want? As if my day hasn't been long enough and bad enough already.
SPIKE: Um, I, uh, (He is obviously scrambling for an excuse; then he finds one.) came to tell you I have a hangnail and I think it's your fault.
ANGEL: I'm not surprised. Pretty much everything else lately seems to be.
SPIKE: Still upset about your little sis?
ANGEL: I'm afraid that Kathy will always hate me. And the worst part is, I can't blame her. I turned into a ravening, vicious monster who betrayed her trust and confidence, and ruined any slightest hope she might have ever had for happiness.
SPIKE: You have to remember, it was the demon that killed her, not you. If you'd had your soul then, you'd never have done such a thing.
ANGEL: That still doesn't change what happened. The fact that I tricked her and taunted her and hurt her and ruined her life. And what's going on with you, anyway? Why are you constantly underfoot? What keeps you around here?
The perfect moment has arrived; Spike seizes it.
SPIKE: Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you.
CUT TO: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds.
FADEOUT.