Angel fic: Cancellation Notice 3/6
Apr. 17th, 2005 04:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ghost2TITLE: Cancellation Notice 3/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"Thinking Inside the Box"
Episode two was finished. The scene that had taken longest to shoot was the infamous "Gunn's Lament" set at the animal shelter, as the skill of allowing only one teardrop out of an eyeful to slide down his face had proven difficult for Gunn to master. Finally, though, he had performed the task to Lorne's satisfaction.
It was time to go over the third script. This time, Angel, Spike, Gunn, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Kathy, and Paige were all in the office for the meeting. Kathy was in a red catsuit today, Paige wore a pink leotard, and Gwen's skirt remained very short.
Lorne addressed the group. "Before we peek at the script, there's another issue I want to bring up." He set a CD player on the table; many of those present nervously eyed it. "Spike, Angel, we need to come up with a theme song for you two. 'A Moment Like This' was great for the montage in the last episode, but it won't work long-term. We need to think even more inside the box. So I did that, and I came up with a candidate for your theme song. Have a listen." Lorne pressed the "play" button.
Out wafted, "When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms, the whole world fades away. The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart 'cause I can feel you breathe. It's washing over me."
Lorne stopped the music. "That was Faith Hill's 'Breathe.' What do you think, guys?"
Angel looked at Spike. Spike looked back at Angel. Angel spoke. "The song's great. Just great. Except for a couple little things. Like the fact that vampires don't breathe."
"Or have heartbeats," Spike added.
"Details, details," Lorne replied airily. "I'll keep 'Breathe' on the short list. It's popular, cliched, and overexposed, making it ideal for our purposes."
A tap sounded on the door, and Harmony entered with a heap of scripts. Everyone accepted a copy and braced themselves for whatever new horrors were in store for them.
Wesley began to open his script but then rethought the situation and instead turned it over on the table. "I'm not looking at it until the morning I have to perform my scenes. I think that approach would be better for my health."
One by one, Fred, Spike, Gunn, and Angel shoved away their copies. The others, who either didn't know or didn't care what awaited them, did nothing.
"All right," Lorne said pleasantly. "I'll just go ahead and recap the action for all of you, then. This episode is entitled 'The Legend of the Halpir,' and the big scene comes when Lindsey explains the legend to Kathy."
Gunn scowled. "Someone better explain it to me, too, 'cause I never heard of it before."
"Lindsey?" Lorne looked at him. "If you'll do the honors?"
Lindsey located the appropriate page and read, "'Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.'"
"And again I ask, what the hell is a halpir?" Gunn turned to Fred, Spike, Angel, and Wesley, who looked as confused as he did.
"Why, a halpir is a half vampire, of course," Lorne cried. "I made up the name myself: hal for half, and pir for vampire. Creative, no?"
"No," chorused Gunn and Spike.
Lorne ignored their protests (he had become very good at doing this) and went on, "At this point, after Lindsey tells her the legend, and after 250 years of only partially existing, Kathy finally begins to understand her place in the world. Very touching stuff. This scene could be going on someone's Emmy reel come nomination time."
Gunn rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry I asked. And I'll probably be even sorrier about asking what my own story is this time around."
"You panic when the babies both develop a rash and the dog gets sick," Lorne summarized. "All ends up well, though. Never fear."
"Look, we got a problem here," Gunn stated. "I know from babies. I helped raise my cousin from when she was a week old. I can change diapers, and prepare bottles, and sing lullabies, and get them to sleep. And since when have I ever panicked?"
"We've inserting drama into the show," Lorne explained. "Besides, the audience won't remember one little throwaway line about your cousin. They'll go along with it. Trust me." Forestalling further protests from Gunn, he moved on to a new subject."Now, this is a quiet episode for Fred and Wesley. Secure in their newfound relationship, they return to work. Paige is newly employed in Fred's department, and she makes herself darn near indispensable on her first day, but there are hidden depths and mysteries to this beautiful newcomer. Gwen also has a job at Wolfram & Hart and will share scenes with Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Paige. Plus, this episode features the return of Connor. When we last saw him, his memory had been altered to make him believe he had grown up in a 'normal' family. All that, however, is about to change. While digging through his closet, Connor will be hit on the head by a falling book and all of his lost memories will return. He will vow revenge upon Angel. He's going to go to Los Angeles and team up with Lindsey and his Aunt Kathy."
"Why do I think this is all building up to something not good for me?" Angel remarked.
Lorne shook his head. "No sneak peeks for you. You'll have to wait along with everyone else to see what happens. Speaking of which, in this episode, Spike and Angel's relationship continues, and will be revealed to the others when Wesley knocks on Angel's penthouse door and Spike answers. This scene also provides the opportunity to insert shirtless Angel and Spike. As for the other male characters, they go shirtless when Gunn spills baby food on himself and Wesley has to change in the middle of the day to meet with a client who dislikes formality."
"What about me?" asked Lindsey. After hearing what the others were stuck with, he had begun to look concerned.
"You go shirtless all episode, because you have only the blanket, which is tied around your waist. If we didn't have censors, you wouldn't even have the blanket."
"And what about me?" said Connor, speaking up for the first time.
Lorne looked at him. "Oh, sorry, forgot about you. Does anyone really want to see you without your shirt on any more than they want to see me that way? How about we insert a quick shot of a photo of you with your shirt off? I think that'll be enough. Well, I think there's been enough discussion so--"
"Wait," said Fred. "Paige and Kathy and Gwen haven't said a thing yet."
Lorne shrugged. "Yeah, so what? They're only around to pretty much just be eye candy anyway."
"You haven't mentioned your own story yet, Lorne," Wesley noted.
"In this episode I'm back to not having one as usual. No sense rocking the boat too much. Now, I have more big news to announce. Once we've finished taping this episode, we'll be shipping advance copies of these first three off to the critics for early reviews. Their opinions will tell us where we stand and how much work we have left to do. So do your best with this script, and we'll get the critiques we're aiming for!" Cheerily, Lorne strode out of the office. Paige, Kathy, and Gwen followed him, still silent.
"How did Lorne get to be in control?" Connor asked the others.
Angel considered. "I don't know. He just kind of took over and we let him."
"Do any of you think that was a mistake?" said Lindsey.
"Better question--anyone think it *wasn't* one?"
***
EPISODE: "The Legend of the Halpir"
TEASER
Shots of a college campus: students, books, professors, lectures, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Finding one's place in the world can be a tough thing to do. So can standing up for one's beliefs. But once you learn these lessons, you will never forget them. They help shape out into the person you are meant to be. Wait and see; it'll happen to you, too. Just hope that you're mature enough to accept the truth when it comes around.
FADE IN.
STANFORD UNIVERSITY - DORM ROOM
This is CONNOR's dorm room. Not extremely messy but not especially neat either. Books, papers, clothes scattered about a little. (NOTE: Include background photo of a very pallid, shirtless Connor.) Connor's roommate, MATT, a heavyset guy with a crew cut, is sitting at the desk, writing a letter. Connor is on hands and knees searching under his bed. He pulls out a few items such as a pen, a shoe, a toothbrush, but has obviously not found what he wants.
CONNOR: Matt, you have any idea where my "Introduction to Electrodynamics" book is? I haven't been able to find it anywhere, and I need to finish my homework before class.
MATT: Try the closet. There's a bunch of your crap on the shelf.
CONNOR: Thanks.
Connor goes to the closet and looks at the overhead shelf. He sees several books but the titles are obscured. He reaches up but isn't tall enough to grab the whole stack at once. Frustrated, Connor grasps the bottom book and pulls. The entire pile slips and the books rain down upon his head. Stunned from the blows, Connor falls to the closet floor. Matt jumps up from the desk and runs over to kneel beside Connor.
MATT: Hey, Connor, you all right, man? Looks like you got hit pretty hard.
Connor reaches up and rubs his head.
CONNOR: Oh, my God. No. No! It can't be true!
MATT: What can't? Are you okay? Should I call for a doctor? You're not bleeding, are you? Do you think you have a concussion?
CONNOR: My life is a lie. My real father's a vampire and my dead mother was one too. She staked herself through the heart so I could be born.
MATT: Your parents are fine. You talked to them on the phone yesterday. I was right in the room when you did it. They even asked about me.
CONNOR: My *real* father, that lousy, self-righteous know-it-all, played with all of our minds. He thought he knew what was best for every single person surrounding him. Well, I'll teach him to screw with the truth!
Connor struggles to his feet. Matt anxiously watches, frowning. Connor grabs his suitcase from the closet floor and feverishly begins to strip clothes from the hangers and cram them into the bag.
MATT: What are you doing? Are you going home?
CONNOR: I'm going to Los Angeles.
MATT: Huh? Why? When are you coming back?
CONNOR: Whenever I finish what I have to do. Days, weeks, months. Who can tell?
MATT: It's the middle of the semester. You can't just take off like this.
CONNOR: Watch me!
Connor shoves various other belongings into the suitcase, taking as little time as possible. In another moment, he is done. He strides toward the door with purpose in every step.
MATT: Hey! What should I tell your mom and dad if they call?
Connor leaves without a reply or a backward glance.
CONNOR: (to himself) Angel will never know what hit him. Just like I didn't, until now.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
WESLEY and FRED walk along the corridor, holding hands. They stop in front of the doors to the lab where Fred usually works.
FRED: It's going to be incredibly hard to spend a whole day apart from you. Especially now.
WESLEY: I know--one whole workday. It seems like forever, just thinking about it. But it isn't fair to the rest of the team if we continue to shirk our duties in favor of spending time with each other. We need to pull our full weight, like Lorne and Spike and Gunn and Angel all do. So, you go inside that laboratory and do your job as well as you possibly can, and I will go to my office and do mine as well as I can, and at the end of the day we can be together again without feeling any guilt or regrets.
FRED: You're right. I should have been looking at things that way all along. I'll try to have a positive attitude.
Fred and Wesley kiss goodbye.
FRED: Have a great day.
WESLEY: Keep busy.
Wesley walks away. Fred watches him go until he is out of sight. Then she sighs and enters the lab. No one else is there.
FRED: Darn. I need a new assistant. Ever since Lorne uncovered Knox's true evil intentions toward me, I haven't had a good right-hand man. Or woman. I shouldn't be sexist. A woman can do just as good a job as a man can. Better, sometimes. I'm a woman, after all, so I should know this. Equal pay for equal work!
With this rallying cry, Fred sets to work.
###############
UNKNOWN APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Viewers have never seen this apartment before. It is clean and neat, with no personal belongings in sight. LINDSEY, asleep, lies on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. It is the same one he took when he crawled out of Wolfram & Hart. KATHY, wearing a black catsuit, is sitting in an easy chair nearby, watching television with the volume low. Lindsey stirs. Kathy immediately turns off the TV and turns to face him. Lindsey looks around, does not recognize his surroundings, and instantly sits up. Then he sees Kathy.
LINDSEY: Who are you? What am I doing here? What's going on?
KATHY: Relax. My name is Kathy, and you're inside my apartment. Don't you remember how I found you in an alley and helped you get here?
LINDSEY: Vaguely, I think. It's so hard to be sure. The past few days or maybe weeks or even months are so unclear, a big blur in my mind. I can't quite make sense of any of it.
KATHY: Do the names "Angel" and "Wolfram & Hart" mean anything to you?
LINDSEY: You bet they do, and none of it's good. Why?
KATHY: Because Angel is my brother.
LINDSEY: Wait a minute--you're *that* Kathy? But you're supposed to be dead. All the files and information I've ever read about Angel said that he killed you in 1753.
KATHY: All the files and information were wrong. As you can plainly see, I'm here, right in front of you.
LINDSEY: If you're Angel's sister, why did you bring me here instead of straight to him, to be killed or worse?
KATHY: Because I hate Angel. If you do too, you belong here. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I might be able to use your help. Anyway, if I'd left you where I found you, you would have been a sitting duck for Angel to pick off at his leisure. You were pretty pathetic, lying in that dark alley, barely conscious.
LINDSEY: At least I managed to claw my way out of the hell I was sent to. Most people wouldn't have survived a day there. Speaking of survival, though, explain how you can be Angel's sister when you should have been dead for a good 250 and more years.
KATHY: Simple. It's because I'm half human, half vampire.
LINDSEY: No! It can't be!
KATHY: What?
LINDSEY: If what you're saying is true, you're the renowned, elusive halpir!
KATHY: I'm the what?
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - KITCHEN
ANGEL and SPIKE are drinking their morning glasses of blood.
SPIKE: This is good blood, but it isn't just pig. What did you add to it?
ANGEL: Just a little bit of skunk. (Spike chokes on his blood; Angel immediately relents.) Just kidding. It's actually giraffe. Harmony encouraged me to experiment.
SPIKE: Well, it's good. (He finishes his glass and glances at his watch.) Suppose we'd better get to work, huh?
ANGEL: No, we're taking the day off. I already phoned Harmony and told her I won't be coming in today. I think we ought to do something fun with our free time.
SPIKE: And our Gems of Amara mean we have no limits now.
Spike and Angel both admire their rings.
SPIKE: You realize what these signify, don't you?
ANGEL: Sure. We're more or less invincible now.
SPIKE: Well, we are unless we get careless and let someone pull the things off of our fingers. You gotta watch out for nasty tricks like those. But what I meant is, the rings mean more than mere invincibility. They signify freedom. We make our own choices and they lead us down different paths. A soul is what one makes of it. So is a Gem of Amara.
ANGEL: That was very profound, Spike. I'm not sure exactly what it meant, but I'm sure it was profound.
SPIKE: Come on. (He pulls Angel over to the window, opens it, and extends his hand outside, into the sunlight.) See? Not on fire! Liberating!
Angel also sticks his hand out.
ANGEL: Think of all the good we can do in the daytime.
SPIKE: Your friends will be happy to learn that you can go out in the sunlight now, without fear of harm.
ANGEL: They're not just my friends, Spike. They like you, too.
SPIKE: Fred does, maybe. But the others have their doubts. Still, once they see that we're together and you have absolute faith in me, I'm betting they'll come around.
Angel looks away.
SPIKE: What's wrong? Why did you react like that?
ANGEL: Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all.
SPIKE: You have to agree, we need to tell everyone else about us.
ANGEL: What do you mean?
SPIKE: Fred. Lorne. Gunn. Wesley. We need to tell them about our relationship, and the sooner, the better.
ANGEL: Spike, I don't think that's such a good idea.
SPIKE: You're ashamed of me, aren't you. Should have expected it. Buffy never would tell her friends about us, either.
ANGEL: No, I am not ashamed. Far from it. It's just that I want to keep you to myself for as long as I can, kind of like what Gunn did with the babies.
SPIKE: They're going to find out sooner or later. If they do by accident, they won't be happy.
ANGEL: I'll tell them. When I'm ready.
SPIKE: Yeah, all right.
ANGEL: You don't believe me, do you? What can I do to make you trust me?
SPIKE: There *is* one thing.
ANGEL: Name it.
SPIKE: Bite me, Angel. Renew your claim.
ANGEL: Are you sure you want this?
SPIKE: As sure as I've ever been of anything in my entire long, violent, complicated unlife. Do it, Angel. Do it now!
Angel's demon face comes to the forefront, and he sinks his fangs into Spike's neck as the sun's rays fall on both of them.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Yawning, GUNN wanders into the living room.
GUNN: I don't know why, but I have this real bad feeling about today. I hope I'm wrong. I probably am. I mean, it's not like I'm psychic, so what are the odds that any random ol' bad feeling I have actually turns out to be right? I have to be imagining things. It'll just be an ordinary day with no big problems. I have to help Gwen get settled in on her first day at work but that isn't any trouble. Nah, it's a regular day with nothing weird about it. Speaking of which, I'd better get some baby food for the girls.
He goes into the kitchen, selects a jar of carrots, opens it, and promptly spills the contents all over his shirt.
GUNN: Aw, crap. This sucks! This is one of my favorite shirts.
The stain is big. Gunn sighs and removes the shirt. SHIRTLESS GUNN scene ensues.
GUNN: Not a good start to my day. Not at all. (He frowns.) Is this an omen? Maybe I really am developing psychic abilities. After all, anything's possible. My life's been fairly weird lately. But why would those abilities pick today to kick in? No, it must just be one of those days. I'm just going through a glitch or two. No biggies. These things happen.
He nods firmly but still looks dubious.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
LORNE and PAIGE (wearing a green leotard) enter the lab. FRED is inside, frowning as she mulls over a page full of columns of complicated-looking numbers. She looks up when the others enter. Lorne leads Paige over to her.
LORNE: Fred, sweetie, I want you to meet someone. This is Paige. She'll be working with you from now on. She's very talented, and I'm sure she'll be a huge help in your endeavors.
FRED: (smiles, extends hand to Paige) Hey, good to meet you.
PAIGE: (shakes Fred's hand) No, no, the pleasure is all mine. I've heard such wonderful things about you.
LORNE: I can tell you girls are going to get along famously. That is so good to see. I'll leave you to it, then.
Lorne waves cheerily and exits the lab.
PAIGE: Just tell me what you need me to do. I'm at your disposal.
FRED: Well, I've been working on some important figures over here, but they seem to be off by a lot. I don't know what's wrong. (She indicates a calculator.) Why don't you add them up and see if you come up with a different answer than I did?
Paige takes the calculator and the paper. She performs the calculations very quickly.
PAIGE: Well, our answers match, but that just means they're both incorrect. However, I think I've found the problem. (She points to a line in the middle of the paper.) Here. Over on line 16b, you used the sine of the angle "b" instead of the cosine. An easy mistake to make, yet it threw off every other number after that. If you correct that one line (Paige swiftly reworks the calculations with the proper number), the ultimate answer is 5,545,660.18.
FRED: You're right! I can't believe I made such a dumb mistake. I'm so glad you were here to spot it. I've been struggling over this equation for hours. Lorne wasn't kidding when he said you'd be helpful.
PAIGE: I've always been good with numbers, for some reason. I have a degree in mathematics from Yale, so I wanted to put it to good use.
FRED: Oh, but you look so young to have a degree.
PAIGE: Had to put my IQ of 183 to work as fast as I could. Waste not, want not.
FRED: You really are a treasure, and you have great taste in clothing, too. To tell you the truth, your outfit violates our dress code but you look so cute in it, I'm sure we can make an exception just for you. And hey, I just thought of something. If you have a degree from Yale, how did you happen to end up way over here at Wolfram & Hart?
PAIGE: Let's just say I have ties to the community.
FRED: Okay. Sounds good. Let's get back to work, then. I want to utilize your super brain as much as I can while you're still employed here. I have a feeling you'll be moving on to bigger and better things very soon.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY and LINDSEY are continuing their conversation.
KATHY: Huh? What did you just call me?
LINDSEY: Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.
KATHY: Wow. You just described me to a T. That's absolutely incredible.
LINDSEY: I'm glad I could help, and that I had the privilege of meeting you. This is a great day in my existence.
He sees that Kathy has quietly begun to cry.
LINDSEY: Hey, what's wrong? Did I offend you? Are you all right?
KATHY: I'm just so happy. Finally, someone has an explanation, a reason for my existence, and it's overwhelming. (She smiles bravely through her tears.) Thank you for sharing that wonderful, tremendous information with me. Words can't express how much I owe you.
LINDSEY: Think nothing of it. The pleasure is all mine.
Kathy breaks down in a fresh round of sobs.
KATHY: I know the truth now, and I can hardly stand it. It's so beautiful yet so shocking and unexpected, all at the same time. I don't know exactly how I should react.
LINDSEY: Whatever way you feel like. This is a very big revelation and a very big step for you. Take your time digesting it.
Gradually, Kathy's sobs lose their urgency, and eventually she stops crying.
KATHY: I feel better now. I guess I just needed to let out more than 250 years of bottled-up feelings, but there really is no use crying over spilled blood. I must pick up and move on. And the best way to do that is to remember my goal. I think I'll go and spy on Angel again and try to ferret out some of his weaknesses. The more you know, the more damage you can do.
LINDSEY: Can I come with you?
KATHY: Nah, I admire your spirit but you're way too weak right now. Stay here and conserve your strength. When you're back in fighting form, you can participate as actively as you want. Remember, we're partners now. You've already proven yourself to me.
Kathy leaves. Lindsey sighs, looks around for entertainment, and ends up grabbing the remote control and turning the TV back on.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
This is, again, the corridor outside Fred's lab. GUNN and GWEN are just outside the door. Gwen looks nervous. (NOTE: She is wearing a very short skirt.) Gunn is attempting to inject some confidence into her.
GWEN: I hope Fred doesn't hold a grudge. I know she never exactly liked me. Not that I can blame her.
GUNN: Nah, you two will probably be the best of friends this time around. You're one of us now and Fred will appreciate that fact. Let's go in.
Gunn taps on the lab door and then shoves it open. He and Gwen step inside. FRED looks up from her work. PAIGE is across the room, constructing a complicated-looking model that was too difficult for Fred to attempt.
FRED: Oh, hi, Charles. Gwen. (Her smile freezes.) You're back. This is quite a surprise.
GWEN: I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm working at Wolfram & Hart now. I want to start over with a clean slate with anyone I might have offended in the past, and that begins with you. I used to be a freak but I'm not one anymore. I want to be a team player.
FRED: I appreciate that positive attitude. If Charles vouches for you, I'll be happy to wipe that old slate cleaner than a hound's tooth and start all over. (She smiles; in the background, both Paige and Gunn beam.) We might never grow to be best friends or anything, but I'm sure we can be mature and get along, at the very least.
Fred and Gwen hug. Paige walks over and waits until they are finished embracing before she extends her hand toward Gwen.
PAIGE: Hi, I'm Paige. It's good to meet you.
They shake hands.
GWEN: And to think I was worried that everyone would be mean to me. I think I'm really going to like working here.
Smiles all around.
GUNN: Well, Gwen, since you're doing so well already, I'm gonna let you get around for the rest of the day on your own while I go back to the girls. Don't worry--you'll be fine. See? Paige and Fred are your friends, and everyone else will soon follow.
###############
OUTDOORS - VARIOUS AREAS
ANGEL and SPIKE are walking around together, enjoying their ability to be in the sunlight without going up in flames. The Sarah McLachlan song "Angel" plays throughout the scene.
"Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh, beautiful release"
Spike and Angel eat ice cream while sitting on a picnic bench that is in full sunlight.
"Memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
oh, and weightless then maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
Angel and Spike feed ducks by a pond.
"In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie"
Angel and Spike give a beggar all their spare change.
"You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"
Finally, they turn toward home.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART FRONT DOOR - EXTERIOR
CONNOR lurks nearby, staring at the entrance of W&H. About 50 yards away, on the other side, KATHY is doing much the same thing. NOTE that neither of them notices the other's presence at this point.
CONNOR: Oh, how I hate him. No one else in this world is anywhere near as despicable as Angel is.
At the same time, Kathy also speaks.
KATHY: That smug hypocrite deserves to be throw into a vat of boiling wax to die a painful death. No one as foul as he should have the name of Angel.
Connor and Kathy hear each other's comments. Their heads whip around. Connor spots Kathy; she sees him. They warily approach each other until they stand just a few feet apart. They speak at the same time.
CONNOR and KATHY: Who are you?
CONNOR and KATHY: I asked first.
KATHY: Okay, let's try again. I heard something very interesting just a moment ago. I heard you cursing Angel's name.
CONNOR: How did you hear me? You were a good 50 yards away and I was whispering.
KATHY: Well, you heard me from the exact same distance and I wasn't exactly shouting, myself.
CONNOR: So what does that really mean--that we both have good hearing? So what?
KATHY: Supernaturally good, I'd call it.
They speak at the same time again.
CONNOR and KATHY: Who *are* you?
KATHY: I'm Angel's sister.
CONNOR: And I'm his son.
KATHY: I didn't know he had a son.
CONNOR: He tried to bury my existence from the world, and even from me. Not much of a role model as a dad.
KATHY: He sucked as a brother, too, so we definitely have something in common: We both hate Angel, for excellent reasons.
CONNOR: I plan to do something about it. I'm going to get revenge on him.
KATHY: No, I am. That's my area. You carve out your own niche somewhere else.
CONNOR: You can't cheat me out of the fun and satisfaction of getting back at the vampire who ruined my life and got away with it.
KATHY: Let's get this straight: You want revenge on Angel, and so do I. We both have great reasons for getting back at him. We're even related to each other. You know what I'm thinking? We should team up and take him down together.
CONNOR: You know, that sounds pretty good to me. The more people who hate Angel, the better.
KATHY: Angel haters of the world, unite! Come back to my apartment with me, nephew. There's someone you should meet--someone who hates Angel almost as much as we both do.
CONNOR: Sounds like another good plan, Aunt Kathy.
Kathy and Connor walk off together.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is behind his desk, paging through a huge book. His phone rings, and he answers.
WESLEY: Hello?
GUNN: Hey, man, I have a meeting with Ykcor the Sivaeb demon right about now, and I wanted to ask if you can cover for me.
WESLEY: Certainly I can do so. Is anything wrong?
GUNN: Nah, I just want to spend as much time as I can with the girls at this stage. I know all parents say it, and everyone else gets sick of hearing it, but babies change so quickly at their age. Oh, just so you know, Ykcor really dislikes formality. Don't wear anything fancy to the meeting, or he'll get insulted and walk out. A t-shirt and jeans would be good.
WESLEY: I'll keep that in mind.
GUNN: Thanks! Bye!
Wesley hangs up the phone, gets up, and goes to his closet, where he roots around. Various items of clothing are conveniently positioned inside. Wesley grabs the only t-shirt he sees, as well as a pair of jeans, and begins to change. SHIRTLESS WESLEY scene ensues. Finally, Wesley puts on the t-shirt, hurries to his office door, and goes into the corridor. He looks around and sees a SIVAEB DEMON a few doors away. (Sivaebs are thin, lime-green demons with one eye, four ears, a round mouth, and six hands with three claws on each one.) Wesley rushes over to the demon.
WESLEY: Hello, Ykcor. My name is Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, and I'll be meeting with you today, since my colleague, Charles Gunn, is away on an emergency.
The demon stares at Wesley's shirt and does not answer.
WESLEY: Is something wrong?
Wesley looks down at the shirt. It contains the text "I'm with Stupid" and shows a large arrow pointing roughly in the direction of the Sivaeb demon.
WESLEY: Oh, my. I don't mean this. That is, please don't take this personally. I chose this shirt specifically in your honor, which isn't to say I think you're stupid, because I didn't take the time to read the wording on the shirt. I was in far too much of a hurry and I threw on the first thing I saw. Which, again, isn't to say that you're not worth an effort. I think. Oh, I don't know what I mean.
The demon begins to quiver. Then it makes an odd whistling noise.
WESLEY: You're offended. I'm very sorry, I assure you.
More whistling, louder.
WESLEY: I said I was sorry. What more do you need? I think--wait a minute. You're laughing, aren't you? Whistling is the way your species of demon indicates amusement. My shirt doesn't offend you; it amuses you. This is quite a relief, since I would hardly enjoy being sliced open by those sharp claws of yours. Shall I collect your file so we can proceed with the meeting?
Wesley goes down the hallway, the Siveab demon still whistling beside him. Gwen approaches, holding a large ax.
GWEN: Stand back, Wesley. I'll take care of this hideous creature for you!
She pulls back the ax, prepared to attack the demon. Wesley jumps in front of the Sivaeb, which abruptly stops whistling.
WESLEY: No! This is a client. We don't harm clients. Put the ax down and step away.
GWEN: That thing is a client? Oh, no. I am so embarrassed. I never would have guessed.
WESLEY: Just try not to jump to conclusions in future, please.
He and the demon stalk past Gwen.
GWEN: Well, I thought I was having a good day up until now.
Downcast, she proceeds down the corridor.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
A random EMPLOYEE (the babysitter) is watching television. GUNN returns to the penthouse.
GUNN: You can go now. I won't need you anymore today.
The employee quietly leaves. Gunn goes and checks on the babies, who are peacefully sleeping. He smiles and then looks around, realizing that someone is missing.
GUNN: That's strange. Lucky didn't come trotting out to meet me when I came home. I wonder why not.
He looks around; no sign of the dog. He grows more concerned as he searches the penthouse and cannot find Lucky. When he is in the living room, he begins to call the dog's name.
GUNN: Lucky? Lucky, where are you?
He hears a low whimpering from across the room and goes to check it out. Lucky is lying behind the coffee table, looking miserable.
GUNN: Lucky, what are you doing back there? Come on out. (The dog whines and shivers, but does not stand.) Are you all right? (Gunn feels Lucky's nose.) Oh, no. Your nose is hot and dry. You're sick! I'll have to call Gwen over to babysit the girls while I take you to the vet. Don't worry, Lucky, you're going to be fine.
As he reaches for his cell phone, Gunn continues to comfort the miserable, sick dog.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
SHIRTLESS LINDSEY is sitting on the couch, with his blanket wrapped around his waist. KATHY comes in through the front door with CONNOR behind her.
KATHY: Hi, Lindsey. Meet our new partner: my nephew, Connor.
LINDSEY: Nephew? But that would make him Angel's son.
KATHY: Exactly. Apparently, Angel tried to cut poor Connor out of everyone's lives by altering their memories, but Connor recently regained his after being hit on the head by a stack of books. He immediately dropped everything and hurried here, determined to seek revenge on Angel. He's a nephew after my own heart.
CONNOR: (looking at Lindsey) So who are you?
LINDSEY: Lindsey McDonald. Angel did a lot of crap to me, too. We're in the same boat.
CONNOR: I guess if Aunt Kathy thinks you're okay, you must be.
LINDSEY: Gee, thanks.
KATHY: Hey, it's kind of a big deal if I decide I like someone, I'll have you know. I don't decide to make friends with just anyone who happens down the pike. Connor, Lindsey has the spare room, so you'll have to sleep on the couch. Is that all right?
CONNOR: I've had worse, believe me. And I'd sleep on a bed of burning coals if it meant I could get back at my dad for all the pain he's caused me.
LINDSEY: And that's something we can all agree on.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
ANGEL and SPIKE have returned from their trip outside.
SPIKE: That was quite an experience.
ANGEL: It certainly was. The feeling of the sunlight on my face, how different everything looks during the day, and all the rest of it.
SPIKE: I wonder if we'll tan? Maybe even get sunburns? (He feels his face, and then his neck at the spot where Angel bit him earlier.) Of course, the disadvantage to traipsing around during the day is that no other vamps were there to see my new claiming scar that shows that I belong to you. We'll have to go out tonight and make sure a bunch of them get a good look at it then. I only wish you were my sire rather than Drusilla.
ANGEL: Well, in my mind I am your true sire, in all but in deed. Dru might have bitten you and fed you her blood, but I'm the one who taught you everything you know.
SPIKE: Hey, I learned quite a lot on my own in the many, many, many years after you deserted me when you got your soul.
Angel guiltily looks away, and Spike instantly feels sorry.
SPIKE: I sense a brood coming on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories. I know the period right after you got your soul back was a hard time for you and you couldn't be around me while you had a soul and I didn't.
ANGEL: That's true, but I want you to know something very important that I've never told you before. I never stopped caring about you and hoping you were all right, wherever you were, even though I knew you were still evil.
SPIKE: It's a good thing I went and collected my own soul, then, so we could be together without regrets on either side. Guess we just both have to be either soulless or soulful at the same time for things to work out between us.
ANGEL: Just as long as we're both happy. I know I am.
SPIKE: I am too. So we both are. (Spike thinks over this last statement.) Wait a minute! Something isn't right here. You might be happy, but you're not perfectly happy because you haven't lost your soul. Something is missing from our relationship. You must not really love me.
ANGEL: Of course I do. I said I did, didn't I?
SPIKE: You're lying. You would have lost your soul by now if you were perfectly happy.
ANGEL: No, I wouldn't. Because there's something you don't know. Something very big and very important. It's a secret so monumental that I have never before mentioned it to anyone, but now I'm sharing it with you. When Willow came to town last year to restore my soul, she did me a huge favor. She removed the happiness clause from the curse without telling anyone except me. My soul is anchored, and perfect happiness can't take it away from me ever again.
SPIKE: You mean...?
ANGEL: Yes. The specter of Angelus no longer hangs over us.
SPIKE: That is the best news I've heard since you told me you loved me.
ANGEL: We can both be happy. And remember, we took the whole day off. No one will miss us until tomorrow.
Or so he thinks....
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is sitting behind his desk, reading a paper. He frowns.
WESLEY: I see that I will need Angel's signature on this very important form. (He picks up the phone and dials a number.) Harmony, I need to speak to Angel.
HARMONY: Angel isn't in.
WESLEY: Well, do you know where he is right now?
HARMONY: I don't have a clue.
WESLEY: Then I'll leave a message with you, but you must give it to him the second you see him. I want to get this taken care of very quickly today.
HARMONY: Angel won't see your message that soon. He won't be in till tomorrow, at the earliest.
WESLEY: How do you know that? I thought you said you didn't know where he is.
HARMONY: I don't know where he is, but I do know that he phoned earlier and said he wouldn't be coming in to work today.
WESLEY: Wonderful. (He hangs up on Harmony and continues talking to himself.) Well, this is quite something. There I was, worried that Fred and I were being lazy and selfish by taking a bit of time off to celebrate our newfound relationship, and now I find out not only that Gunn took time off, but that Angel, the leader of our organization, isn't coming in and didn't bother to notify me or even to give his own secretary a good reason. I should give him a piece of my mind. Only, where might he be? Perhaps in his penthouse, enjoying his leisure time. I'll soon find out.
Wesley strides out of his office, sticks an "Out to Lunch" sign on his door, and heads toward the elevators.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are there, still discussing their lives and their plans to get revenge on Angel.
KATHY: A series of coincidences better known as fate brought us together as an unstoppable, unbeatable team.
LINDSEY: I think we'll do far better as a group than we would have separately.
CONNOR: Yeah. We just need to come up with a good plan. With our brainpower combined, though, that shouldn't take very long.
LINDSEY: We need to get some magic books and other research items.
CONNOR: I don't approve of magic, and I won't participate in that.
LINDSEY: You don't have to. I'm willing to handle that end, while you can be the muscle.
KATHY: The muscle along with me. I'm pretty strong myself, you know. And I'd also like to look into magical solutions to our Angel problem. You never know what you'll find.
CONNOR: Fine, just leave me out of any magic. I'm more interested in keeping things on a human level. And hey, now that I know someone who can fill me in, what was Angel like when he was human?
KATHY: A real jerk. A crappy brother. A drunk. A womanizer. A waste of skin. I think that about sums it up.
Connor looks thoughtful. He hesitates, then speaks again.
CONNOR: Aunt Kathy, I've been wondering something for a while now and I think you can give me the answer I need.
KATHY: I'll do my best, nephew. I like saying that: "nephew." It sounds good.
CONNOR: And I like having an aunt. Especially one who can tell me what I want to know.
KATHY: Well, go on, ask whatever you want to.
CONNOR: Okay. What is Angel's last name?
KATHY: Hmm. Not the question I was expecting and also not something I wanted to have to tell you. I was hoping you would never think to ask it, but since you have, Angel's last name is O'Connor.
CONNOR: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that if I used Angel's last name, I'd be called Connor O'Connor?
KATHY: Sorry, but you did ask.
CONNOR: That would be horrible, only I refuse to believe it's true. No one, not even Angel, would do something like that to an innocent kid.
LINDSEY: You have heard about those people who named their kids Moon Unit and Dweezil, haven't you? Not to mention the existence of names like Tangerine, Pontiac, and Espn.
KATHY: Sad but true.
CONNOR: As if I needed another reason to hate the guy. My name is Connor O'Connor. Unbelievable.
LINDSEY: I don't blame you for being upset, but the best thing you can do now is to channel your anger at the appropriate target. I'll give you a hint: His name begins with an "a" and ends with an "l." Look at all the times he's wronged you, all the ways he's damaged your life, and use that knowledge and the rage it engenders to destroy him.
Determined, Connor nods.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GWEN is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, when the door opens and GUNN enters, carrying LUCKY, who looks much better than he did before.
GUNN: The vet gave me medicine for Lucky. He should be fine. (He sets the dog on the floor.) So, how were the girls?
GWEN: Nice and quiet. I checked in on them a couple of times, but they slept the whole time you were gone. I'm glad Lucky is all right, but I really need to get back to work now. I almost made a huge mistake earlier and I have to prove that I don't always do stupid things without thinking. I want to make a good impression, especially in these opening days, to show that I'll be an effective employee who can make a difference.
GUNN: Sure, head on back. Things should be fine here now.
Gwen leaves. Gunn goes to check on the babies. Both are asleep, but the baby on the left, TIA, is stirring fretfully. Gunn looks more closely at her and notices a red mark on her leg.
GUNN: What's that? It doesn't look good.
He picks the baby up. She awakens but lies quietly as Gunn examines her.
GUNN: Oh, no. Tia, you have a terrible rash. How could this have happened? You must feel just awful, suffering with this nasty condition. (He looks at Mia and spots a similar mark on her leg.) Mia has it too! That settles it--I'm officially the world's worst father. Emergency room, here we come!
He frantically begins to get the babies ready for a trip outside.
###############
HALLWAY OUTSIDE ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE
WESLEY strides up, looking annoyed. He goes right to the door and doesn't bother to press the bell. Instead, he pounds on the door with his fist, over and over, for several seconds. He pauses and waits for someone to answer. The door does indeed open and the living room is revealed in the background behind SHIRTLESS SPIKE, who does not look very pleased by the intrusion.
SPIKE: What do you want? Make it quick, too, because I have better things to do than talk to you.
WESLEY: Spike. What are you doing in Angel's penthouse without your shirt on?
SHIRTLESS ANGEL enters the living room behinds Spike.
ANGEL: Spike, have you seen my hair gel? (His voice falters at the very end when he spots Wesley.)
WESLEY: Angel, what are you doing with Spike in your penthouse without your shirt on?
Spike smirks; Angel looks faintly embarrassed; Wesley stares at them and then slowly it dawns on him.
WESLEY: Oh. I see.
ANGEL: It's not what it looks like.
SPIKE: (loudly) Yes, it is.
WESLEY: In that case, excuse me. I didn't realize.
Wesley backs away and then escapes without a backward glance, moving as quickly as he can without running. Back in the penthouse, Spike closes the door and faces Angel.
SPIKE: You are ashamed of me. We got caught bare-chested by one of your friends and you still tried to make up an excuse to cover the truth.
ANGEL: I did not! (Beat.) Okay, maybe I did. But it's only because I didn't expect to see Wesley there. I wasn't ready. It took me by surprise.
SPIKE: Or, you're ashamed of me.
ANGEL: Look, I'm not ashamed of you! In fact, I'll prove it! I'm going to call a meeting with Wesley, Lorne, Fred, and Gunn for an hour from now, and when we get there I'm going to tell them the truth. Is that good enough for you?
SPIKE: Sure, if you can bring yourself to go through with it.
ANGEL: I can and I will. Just watch me.
SPIKE: Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
ANGEL: What's with the attitude? You know, I'm beginning to wonder about something. Did you secretly arrange for Wesley to show up here and catch us together? Because it seems awfully coincidental that he arrived just at that particular incriminating moment.
SPIKE: I wasn't plotting behind your back! I would never do that to you.
ANGEL: You've been known to pull some tricks in the past.
SPIKE: That was before. That was the old me. You can trust the new me with your life, and you should. I trust you, after all.
Angry tears fill Spike's eyes. Angel melts at the sight.
ANGEL: I'm sorry, Spike. I shouldn't have doubted you or falsely accused you. Look, come with me to the meeting with our friends, and I think you'll really, really like what I have to say. I'm going to be open and honest and straightforward, and we're going to be together and they're all going to know it. Okay?
SPIKE: Okay.
However, Spike still looks doubtful as he turns away and grabs his shirt. Angel grabs the phone and starts dialing.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN stands gazing down at TIA and MIA, who are sleeping. Both look fine.
GUNN: I'm so relieved that you two are all right.
From beside Gunn, LUCKY barks. He looks very fluffy and perky and energetic.
GUNN: (laughs) And you too, Lucky! I could never forget about you!
I'm not a bad daddy after all. I just overreacted. But it's better to overreact than not to react at all, I always say.
He collapses on the couch. Lucky leaps up beside him and puts his head in Gunn's lap.
GUNN: This parenting stuff is way harder than it looks. I don't want to go through a day like this one ever again. It's bad for my nerves. Someone should have warned me. (Lucky whines in sympathy; Gunn strokes his fur.) Ah, this is what it's all about, right here, right now. Moments like this make everything worthwhile.
The phone rings. Gunn sighs.
GUNN: So much for peace and relaxation. I'd better see who it is.
He picks up the receiver.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - OFFICE
ANGEL, SPIKE, FRED, GUNN, LORNE, and WESLEY are gathered at a rectangular table. Angel is at the head of the table, with Spike to his right. The others are also seated (doesn't matter where).
GUNN: Hey, what's going on here, Angel? Another weird meeting from out of nowhere? What's this one about? Don't tell me you have another homidical sister on the loose.
ANGEL: Okay, I won't tell you that.
LORNE: Then what is it?
Angel opens his mouth, tries to speak, and closes it. Tries again; fails again. Helplessly, he looks at Spike, who gives him an encouraging nod. Angel attempts his little speech again.
ANGEL: (very fast) Spike and I are in love, and we're together.
Silence follows this proclamation. Gunn, Lorne, and Fred exchange shocked looks. Finally, Fred speaks.
FRED: I can't believe it. This is so weird.
GUNN: Yeah, you guys are the last two I ever thought would be... you know.
SPIKE: (indignantly) Why? Because we're two men in a relationship with each other and something's wrong with that?
GUNN: No, because you two hate each other's guts and usually fight like cats and dogs when you're in the same room.
SPIKE: Oh.
LORNE: See, now we have to make the adjustment to you two being lovebirds. This might take some time.
ANGEL: Still, you're all accepting the news better than I had thought you might.
WESLEY: Actually, word of your relationship with Spike is no great surprise, when one thinks about it objectively and remembers that all vampires are bisexual. Logically, we all should have been expecting such an occurrence all along. Myself in particular, as I have the greatest knowledge of vampiric nature and proclivities. How could I have missed the signs? It really was quite careless of me.
GUNN: So that's the only reason we were all called in? To hear that announcement?
ANGEL: Yeah, I guess so.
GUNN: Great. Congrats, Angel, Spike, I'm really happy for you two but I have to get back to the girls now.
FRED: Since nothing's wrong, I'll just go back to work.
WESLEY: As will I.
LORNE: And I have a lot of boring phone calls to make that no one cares about, which is why you hardly ever see me around.
Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Lorne all leave. Angel and Spike look at each other.
ANGEL: Well, that went better than I thought it would.
CUT TO: outside the office. PAIGE lurks nearby. As Fred, Lorne, Gunn, and Wesley exit, she ducks out of sight.
PAIGE: It's surprisingly easy to eavesdrop around here, even though I heard nothing of particular interest this time. At least no one caught me listening in. They can't learn my secret until I choose to reveal it. All in due time!
FADEOUT.
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Sarah McLachlan.
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"Thinking Inside the Box"
Episode two was finished. The scene that had taken longest to shoot was the infamous "Gunn's Lament" set at the animal shelter, as the skill of allowing only one teardrop out of an eyeful to slide down his face had proven difficult for Gunn to master. Finally, though, he had performed the task to Lorne's satisfaction.
It was time to go over the third script. This time, Angel, Spike, Gunn, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Kathy, and Paige were all in the office for the meeting. Kathy was in a red catsuit today, Paige wore a pink leotard, and Gwen's skirt remained very short.
Lorne addressed the group. "Before we peek at the script, there's another issue I want to bring up." He set a CD player on the table; many of those present nervously eyed it. "Spike, Angel, we need to come up with a theme song for you two. 'A Moment Like This' was great for the montage in the last episode, but it won't work long-term. We need to think even more inside the box. So I did that, and I came up with a candidate for your theme song. Have a listen." Lorne pressed the "play" button.
Out wafted, "When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms, the whole world fades away. The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart 'cause I can feel you breathe. It's washing over me."
Lorne stopped the music. "That was Faith Hill's 'Breathe.' What do you think, guys?"
Angel looked at Spike. Spike looked back at Angel. Angel spoke. "The song's great. Just great. Except for a couple little things. Like the fact that vampires don't breathe."
"Or have heartbeats," Spike added.
"Details, details," Lorne replied airily. "I'll keep 'Breathe' on the short list. It's popular, cliched, and overexposed, making it ideal for our purposes."
A tap sounded on the door, and Harmony entered with a heap of scripts. Everyone accepted a copy and braced themselves for whatever new horrors were in store for them.
Wesley began to open his script but then rethought the situation and instead turned it over on the table. "I'm not looking at it until the morning I have to perform my scenes. I think that approach would be better for my health."
One by one, Fred, Spike, Gunn, and Angel shoved away their copies. The others, who either didn't know or didn't care what awaited them, did nothing.
"All right," Lorne said pleasantly. "I'll just go ahead and recap the action for all of you, then. This episode is entitled 'The Legend of the Halpir,' and the big scene comes when Lindsey explains the legend to Kathy."
Gunn scowled. "Someone better explain it to me, too, 'cause I never heard of it before."
"Lindsey?" Lorne looked at him. "If you'll do the honors?"
Lindsey located the appropriate page and read, "'Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.'"
"And again I ask, what the hell is a halpir?" Gunn turned to Fred, Spike, Angel, and Wesley, who looked as confused as he did.
"Why, a halpir is a half vampire, of course," Lorne cried. "I made up the name myself: hal for half, and pir for vampire. Creative, no?"
"No," chorused Gunn and Spike.
Lorne ignored their protests (he had become very good at doing this) and went on, "At this point, after Lindsey tells her the legend, and after 250 years of only partially existing, Kathy finally begins to understand her place in the world. Very touching stuff. This scene could be going on someone's Emmy reel come nomination time."
Gunn rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry I asked. And I'll probably be even sorrier about asking what my own story is this time around."
"You panic when the babies both develop a rash and the dog gets sick," Lorne summarized. "All ends up well, though. Never fear."
"Look, we got a problem here," Gunn stated. "I know from babies. I helped raise my cousin from when she was a week old. I can change diapers, and prepare bottles, and sing lullabies, and get them to sleep. And since when have I ever panicked?"
"We've inserting drama into the show," Lorne explained. "Besides, the audience won't remember one little throwaway line about your cousin. They'll go along with it. Trust me." Forestalling further protests from Gunn, he moved on to a new subject."Now, this is a quiet episode for Fred and Wesley. Secure in their newfound relationship, they return to work. Paige is newly employed in Fred's department, and she makes herself darn near indispensable on her first day, but there are hidden depths and mysteries to this beautiful newcomer. Gwen also has a job at Wolfram & Hart and will share scenes with Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Paige. Plus, this episode features the return of Connor. When we last saw him, his memory had been altered to make him believe he had grown up in a 'normal' family. All that, however, is about to change. While digging through his closet, Connor will be hit on the head by a falling book and all of his lost memories will return. He will vow revenge upon Angel. He's going to go to Los Angeles and team up with Lindsey and his Aunt Kathy."
"Why do I think this is all building up to something not good for me?" Angel remarked.
Lorne shook his head. "No sneak peeks for you. You'll have to wait along with everyone else to see what happens. Speaking of which, in this episode, Spike and Angel's relationship continues, and will be revealed to the others when Wesley knocks on Angel's penthouse door and Spike answers. This scene also provides the opportunity to insert shirtless Angel and Spike. As for the other male characters, they go shirtless when Gunn spills baby food on himself and Wesley has to change in the middle of the day to meet with a client who dislikes formality."
"What about me?" asked Lindsey. After hearing what the others were stuck with, he had begun to look concerned.
"You go shirtless all episode, because you have only the blanket, which is tied around your waist. If we didn't have censors, you wouldn't even have the blanket."
"And what about me?" said Connor, speaking up for the first time.
Lorne looked at him. "Oh, sorry, forgot about you. Does anyone really want to see you without your shirt on any more than they want to see me that way? How about we insert a quick shot of a photo of you with your shirt off? I think that'll be enough. Well, I think there's been enough discussion so--"
"Wait," said Fred. "Paige and Kathy and Gwen haven't said a thing yet."
Lorne shrugged. "Yeah, so what? They're only around to pretty much just be eye candy anyway."
"You haven't mentioned your own story yet, Lorne," Wesley noted.
"In this episode I'm back to not having one as usual. No sense rocking the boat too much. Now, I have more big news to announce. Once we've finished taping this episode, we'll be shipping advance copies of these first three off to the critics for early reviews. Their opinions will tell us where we stand and how much work we have left to do. So do your best with this script, and we'll get the critiques we're aiming for!" Cheerily, Lorne strode out of the office. Paige, Kathy, and Gwen followed him, still silent.
"How did Lorne get to be in control?" Connor asked the others.
Angel considered. "I don't know. He just kind of took over and we let him."
"Do any of you think that was a mistake?" said Lindsey.
"Better question--anyone think it *wasn't* one?"
***
EPISODE: "The Legend of the Halpir"
TEASER
Shots of a college campus: students, books, professors, lectures, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Finding one's place in the world can be a tough thing to do. So can standing up for one's beliefs. But once you learn these lessons, you will never forget them. They help shape out into the person you are meant to be. Wait and see; it'll happen to you, too. Just hope that you're mature enough to accept the truth when it comes around.
FADE IN.
STANFORD UNIVERSITY - DORM ROOM
This is CONNOR's dorm room. Not extremely messy but not especially neat either. Books, papers, clothes scattered about a little. (NOTE: Include background photo of a very pallid, shirtless Connor.) Connor's roommate, MATT, a heavyset guy with a crew cut, is sitting at the desk, writing a letter. Connor is on hands and knees searching under his bed. He pulls out a few items such as a pen, a shoe, a toothbrush, but has obviously not found what he wants.
CONNOR: Matt, you have any idea where my "Introduction to Electrodynamics" book is? I haven't been able to find it anywhere, and I need to finish my homework before class.
MATT: Try the closet. There's a bunch of your crap on the shelf.
CONNOR: Thanks.
Connor goes to the closet and looks at the overhead shelf. He sees several books but the titles are obscured. He reaches up but isn't tall enough to grab the whole stack at once. Frustrated, Connor grasps the bottom book and pulls. The entire pile slips and the books rain down upon his head. Stunned from the blows, Connor falls to the closet floor. Matt jumps up from the desk and runs over to kneel beside Connor.
MATT: Hey, Connor, you all right, man? Looks like you got hit pretty hard.
Connor reaches up and rubs his head.
CONNOR: Oh, my God. No. No! It can't be true!
MATT: What can't? Are you okay? Should I call for a doctor? You're not bleeding, are you? Do you think you have a concussion?
CONNOR: My life is a lie. My real father's a vampire and my dead mother was one too. She staked herself through the heart so I could be born.
MATT: Your parents are fine. You talked to them on the phone yesterday. I was right in the room when you did it. They even asked about me.
CONNOR: My *real* father, that lousy, self-righteous know-it-all, played with all of our minds. He thought he knew what was best for every single person surrounding him. Well, I'll teach him to screw with the truth!
Connor struggles to his feet. Matt anxiously watches, frowning. Connor grabs his suitcase from the closet floor and feverishly begins to strip clothes from the hangers and cram them into the bag.
MATT: What are you doing? Are you going home?
CONNOR: I'm going to Los Angeles.
MATT: Huh? Why? When are you coming back?
CONNOR: Whenever I finish what I have to do. Days, weeks, months. Who can tell?
MATT: It's the middle of the semester. You can't just take off like this.
CONNOR: Watch me!
Connor shoves various other belongings into the suitcase, taking as little time as possible. In another moment, he is done. He strides toward the door with purpose in every step.
MATT: Hey! What should I tell your mom and dad if they call?
Connor leaves without a reply or a backward glance.
CONNOR: (to himself) Angel will never know what hit him. Just like I didn't, until now.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
WESLEY and FRED walk along the corridor, holding hands. They stop in front of the doors to the lab where Fred usually works.
FRED: It's going to be incredibly hard to spend a whole day apart from you. Especially now.
WESLEY: I know--one whole workday. It seems like forever, just thinking about it. But it isn't fair to the rest of the team if we continue to shirk our duties in favor of spending time with each other. We need to pull our full weight, like Lorne and Spike and Gunn and Angel all do. So, you go inside that laboratory and do your job as well as you possibly can, and I will go to my office and do mine as well as I can, and at the end of the day we can be together again without feeling any guilt or regrets.
FRED: You're right. I should have been looking at things that way all along. I'll try to have a positive attitude.
Fred and Wesley kiss goodbye.
FRED: Have a great day.
WESLEY: Keep busy.
Wesley walks away. Fred watches him go until he is out of sight. Then she sighs and enters the lab. No one else is there.
FRED: Darn. I need a new assistant. Ever since Lorne uncovered Knox's true evil intentions toward me, I haven't had a good right-hand man. Or woman. I shouldn't be sexist. A woman can do just as good a job as a man can. Better, sometimes. I'm a woman, after all, so I should know this. Equal pay for equal work!
With this rallying cry, Fred sets to work.
###############
UNKNOWN APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Viewers have never seen this apartment before. It is clean and neat, with no personal belongings in sight. LINDSEY, asleep, lies on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. It is the same one he took when he crawled out of Wolfram & Hart. KATHY, wearing a black catsuit, is sitting in an easy chair nearby, watching television with the volume low. Lindsey stirs. Kathy immediately turns off the TV and turns to face him. Lindsey looks around, does not recognize his surroundings, and instantly sits up. Then he sees Kathy.
LINDSEY: Who are you? What am I doing here? What's going on?
KATHY: Relax. My name is Kathy, and you're inside my apartment. Don't you remember how I found you in an alley and helped you get here?
LINDSEY: Vaguely, I think. It's so hard to be sure. The past few days or maybe weeks or even months are so unclear, a big blur in my mind. I can't quite make sense of any of it.
KATHY: Do the names "Angel" and "Wolfram & Hart" mean anything to you?
LINDSEY: You bet they do, and none of it's good. Why?
KATHY: Because Angel is my brother.
LINDSEY: Wait a minute--you're *that* Kathy? But you're supposed to be dead. All the files and information I've ever read about Angel said that he killed you in 1753.
KATHY: All the files and information were wrong. As you can plainly see, I'm here, right in front of you.
LINDSEY: If you're Angel's sister, why did you bring me here instead of straight to him, to be killed or worse?
KATHY: Because I hate Angel. If you do too, you belong here. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I might be able to use your help. Anyway, if I'd left you where I found you, you would have been a sitting duck for Angel to pick off at his leisure. You were pretty pathetic, lying in that dark alley, barely conscious.
LINDSEY: At least I managed to claw my way out of the hell I was sent to. Most people wouldn't have survived a day there. Speaking of survival, though, explain how you can be Angel's sister when you should have been dead for a good 250 and more years.
KATHY: Simple. It's because I'm half human, half vampire.
LINDSEY: No! It can't be!
KATHY: What?
LINDSEY: If what you're saying is true, you're the renowned, elusive halpir!
KATHY: I'm the what?
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - KITCHEN
ANGEL and SPIKE are drinking their morning glasses of blood.
SPIKE: This is good blood, but it isn't just pig. What did you add to it?
ANGEL: Just a little bit of skunk. (Spike chokes on his blood; Angel immediately relents.) Just kidding. It's actually giraffe. Harmony encouraged me to experiment.
SPIKE: Well, it's good. (He finishes his glass and glances at his watch.) Suppose we'd better get to work, huh?
ANGEL: No, we're taking the day off. I already phoned Harmony and told her I won't be coming in today. I think we ought to do something fun with our free time.
SPIKE: And our Gems of Amara mean we have no limits now.
Spike and Angel both admire their rings.
SPIKE: You realize what these signify, don't you?
ANGEL: Sure. We're more or less invincible now.
SPIKE: Well, we are unless we get careless and let someone pull the things off of our fingers. You gotta watch out for nasty tricks like those. But what I meant is, the rings mean more than mere invincibility. They signify freedom. We make our own choices and they lead us down different paths. A soul is what one makes of it. So is a Gem of Amara.
ANGEL: That was very profound, Spike. I'm not sure exactly what it meant, but I'm sure it was profound.
SPIKE: Come on. (He pulls Angel over to the window, opens it, and extends his hand outside, into the sunlight.) See? Not on fire! Liberating!
Angel also sticks his hand out.
ANGEL: Think of all the good we can do in the daytime.
SPIKE: Your friends will be happy to learn that you can go out in the sunlight now, without fear of harm.
ANGEL: They're not just my friends, Spike. They like you, too.
SPIKE: Fred does, maybe. But the others have their doubts. Still, once they see that we're together and you have absolute faith in me, I'm betting they'll come around.
Angel looks away.
SPIKE: What's wrong? Why did you react like that?
ANGEL: Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all.
SPIKE: You have to agree, we need to tell everyone else about us.
ANGEL: What do you mean?
SPIKE: Fred. Lorne. Gunn. Wesley. We need to tell them about our relationship, and the sooner, the better.
ANGEL: Spike, I don't think that's such a good idea.
SPIKE: You're ashamed of me, aren't you. Should have expected it. Buffy never would tell her friends about us, either.
ANGEL: No, I am not ashamed. Far from it. It's just that I want to keep you to myself for as long as I can, kind of like what Gunn did with the babies.
SPIKE: They're going to find out sooner or later. If they do by accident, they won't be happy.
ANGEL: I'll tell them. When I'm ready.
SPIKE: Yeah, all right.
ANGEL: You don't believe me, do you? What can I do to make you trust me?
SPIKE: There *is* one thing.
ANGEL: Name it.
SPIKE: Bite me, Angel. Renew your claim.
ANGEL: Are you sure you want this?
SPIKE: As sure as I've ever been of anything in my entire long, violent, complicated unlife. Do it, Angel. Do it now!
Angel's demon face comes to the forefront, and he sinks his fangs into Spike's neck as the sun's rays fall on both of them.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Yawning, GUNN wanders into the living room.
GUNN: I don't know why, but I have this real bad feeling about today. I hope I'm wrong. I probably am. I mean, it's not like I'm psychic, so what are the odds that any random ol' bad feeling I have actually turns out to be right? I have to be imagining things. It'll just be an ordinary day with no big problems. I have to help Gwen get settled in on her first day at work but that isn't any trouble. Nah, it's a regular day with nothing weird about it. Speaking of which, I'd better get some baby food for the girls.
He goes into the kitchen, selects a jar of carrots, opens it, and promptly spills the contents all over his shirt.
GUNN: Aw, crap. This sucks! This is one of my favorite shirts.
The stain is big. Gunn sighs and removes the shirt. SHIRTLESS GUNN scene ensues.
GUNN: Not a good start to my day. Not at all. (He frowns.) Is this an omen? Maybe I really am developing psychic abilities. After all, anything's possible. My life's been fairly weird lately. But why would those abilities pick today to kick in? No, it must just be one of those days. I'm just going through a glitch or two. No biggies. These things happen.
He nods firmly but still looks dubious.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - LABORATORY
LORNE and PAIGE (wearing a green leotard) enter the lab. FRED is inside, frowning as she mulls over a page full of columns of complicated-looking numbers. She looks up when the others enter. Lorne leads Paige over to her.
LORNE: Fred, sweetie, I want you to meet someone. This is Paige. She'll be working with you from now on. She's very talented, and I'm sure she'll be a huge help in your endeavors.
FRED: (smiles, extends hand to Paige) Hey, good to meet you.
PAIGE: (shakes Fred's hand) No, no, the pleasure is all mine. I've heard such wonderful things about you.
LORNE: I can tell you girls are going to get along famously. That is so good to see. I'll leave you to it, then.
Lorne waves cheerily and exits the lab.
PAIGE: Just tell me what you need me to do. I'm at your disposal.
FRED: Well, I've been working on some important figures over here, but they seem to be off by a lot. I don't know what's wrong. (She indicates a calculator.) Why don't you add them up and see if you come up with a different answer than I did?
Paige takes the calculator and the paper. She performs the calculations very quickly.
PAIGE: Well, our answers match, but that just means they're both incorrect. However, I think I've found the problem. (She points to a line in the middle of the paper.) Here. Over on line 16b, you used the sine of the angle "b" instead of the cosine. An easy mistake to make, yet it threw off every other number after that. If you correct that one line (Paige swiftly reworks the calculations with the proper number), the ultimate answer is 5,545,660.18.
FRED: You're right! I can't believe I made such a dumb mistake. I'm so glad you were here to spot it. I've been struggling over this equation for hours. Lorne wasn't kidding when he said you'd be helpful.
PAIGE: I've always been good with numbers, for some reason. I have a degree in mathematics from Yale, so I wanted to put it to good use.
FRED: Oh, but you look so young to have a degree.
PAIGE: Had to put my IQ of 183 to work as fast as I could. Waste not, want not.
FRED: You really are a treasure, and you have great taste in clothing, too. To tell you the truth, your outfit violates our dress code but you look so cute in it, I'm sure we can make an exception just for you. And hey, I just thought of something. If you have a degree from Yale, how did you happen to end up way over here at Wolfram & Hart?
PAIGE: Let's just say I have ties to the community.
FRED: Okay. Sounds good. Let's get back to work, then. I want to utilize your super brain as much as I can while you're still employed here. I have a feeling you'll be moving on to bigger and better things very soon.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY and LINDSEY are continuing their conversation.
KATHY: Huh? What did you just call me?
LINDSEY: Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.
KATHY: Wow. You just described me to a T. That's absolutely incredible.
LINDSEY: I'm glad I could help, and that I had the privilege of meeting you. This is a great day in my existence.
He sees that Kathy has quietly begun to cry.
LINDSEY: Hey, what's wrong? Did I offend you? Are you all right?
KATHY: I'm just so happy. Finally, someone has an explanation, a reason for my existence, and it's overwhelming. (She smiles bravely through her tears.) Thank you for sharing that wonderful, tremendous information with me. Words can't express how much I owe you.
LINDSEY: Think nothing of it. The pleasure is all mine.
Kathy breaks down in a fresh round of sobs.
KATHY: I know the truth now, and I can hardly stand it. It's so beautiful yet so shocking and unexpected, all at the same time. I don't know exactly how I should react.
LINDSEY: Whatever way you feel like. This is a very big revelation and a very big step for you. Take your time digesting it.
Gradually, Kathy's sobs lose their urgency, and eventually she stops crying.
KATHY: I feel better now. I guess I just needed to let out more than 250 years of bottled-up feelings, but there really is no use crying over spilled blood. I must pick up and move on. And the best way to do that is to remember my goal. I think I'll go and spy on Angel again and try to ferret out some of his weaknesses. The more you know, the more damage you can do.
LINDSEY: Can I come with you?
KATHY: Nah, I admire your spirit but you're way too weak right now. Stay here and conserve your strength. When you're back in fighting form, you can participate as actively as you want. Remember, we're partners now. You've already proven yourself to me.
Kathy leaves. Lindsey sighs, looks around for entertainment, and ends up grabbing the remote control and turning the TV back on.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
This is, again, the corridor outside Fred's lab. GUNN and GWEN are just outside the door. Gwen looks nervous. (NOTE: She is wearing a very short skirt.) Gunn is attempting to inject some confidence into her.
GWEN: I hope Fred doesn't hold a grudge. I know she never exactly liked me. Not that I can blame her.
GUNN: Nah, you two will probably be the best of friends this time around. You're one of us now and Fred will appreciate that fact. Let's go in.
Gunn taps on the lab door and then shoves it open. He and Gwen step inside. FRED looks up from her work. PAIGE is across the room, constructing a complicated-looking model that was too difficult for Fred to attempt.
FRED: Oh, hi, Charles. Gwen. (Her smile freezes.) You're back. This is quite a surprise.
GWEN: I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm working at Wolfram & Hart now. I want to start over with a clean slate with anyone I might have offended in the past, and that begins with you. I used to be a freak but I'm not one anymore. I want to be a team player.
FRED: I appreciate that positive attitude. If Charles vouches for you, I'll be happy to wipe that old slate cleaner than a hound's tooth and start all over. (She smiles; in the background, both Paige and Gunn beam.) We might never grow to be best friends or anything, but I'm sure we can be mature and get along, at the very least.
Fred and Gwen hug. Paige walks over and waits until they are finished embracing before she extends her hand toward Gwen.
PAIGE: Hi, I'm Paige. It's good to meet you.
They shake hands.
GWEN: And to think I was worried that everyone would be mean to me. I think I'm really going to like working here.
Smiles all around.
GUNN: Well, Gwen, since you're doing so well already, I'm gonna let you get around for the rest of the day on your own while I go back to the girls. Don't worry--you'll be fine. See? Paige and Fred are your friends, and everyone else will soon follow.
###############
OUTDOORS - VARIOUS AREAS
ANGEL and SPIKE are walking around together, enjoying their ability to be in the sunlight without going up in flames. The Sarah McLachlan song "Angel" plays throughout the scene.
"Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh, beautiful release"
Spike and Angel eat ice cream while sitting on a picnic bench that is in full sunlight.
"Memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
oh, and weightless then maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
Angel and Spike feed ducks by a pond.
"In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie"
Angel and Spike give a beggar all their spare change.
"You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"
Finally, they turn toward home.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART FRONT DOOR - EXTERIOR
CONNOR lurks nearby, staring at the entrance of W&H. About 50 yards away, on the other side, KATHY is doing much the same thing. NOTE that neither of them notices the other's presence at this point.
CONNOR: Oh, how I hate him. No one else in this world is anywhere near as despicable as Angel is.
At the same time, Kathy also speaks.
KATHY: That smug hypocrite deserves to be throw into a vat of boiling wax to die a painful death. No one as foul as he should have the name of Angel.
Connor and Kathy hear each other's comments. Their heads whip around. Connor spots Kathy; she sees him. They warily approach each other until they stand just a few feet apart. They speak at the same time.
CONNOR and KATHY: Who are you?
CONNOR and KATHY: I asked first.
KATHY: Okay, let's try again. I heard something very interesting just a moment ago. I heard you cursing Angel's name.
CONNOR: How did you hear me? You were a good 50 yards away and I was whispering.
KATHY: Well, you heard me from the exact same distance and I wasn't exactly shouting, myself.
CONNOR: So what does that really mean--that we both have good hearing? So what?
KATHY: Supernaturally good, I'd call it.
They speak at the same time again.
CONNOR and KATHY: Who *are* you?
KATHY: I'm Angel's sister.
CONNOR: And I'm his son.
KATHY: I didn't know he had a son.
CONNOR: He tried to bury my existence from the world, and even from me. Not much of a role model as a dad.
KATHY: He sucked as a brother, too, so we definitely have something in common: We both hate Angel, for excellent reasons.
CONNOR: I plan to do something about it. I'm going to get revenge on him.
KATHY: No, I am. That's my area. You carve out your own niche somewhere else.
CONNOR: You can't cheat me out of the fun and satisfaction of getting back at the vampire who ruined my life and got away with it.
KATHY: Let's get this straight: You want revenge on Angel, and so do I. We both have great reasons for getting back at him. We're even related to each other. You know what I'm thinking? We should team up and take him down together.
CONNOR: You know, that sounds pretty good to me. The more people who hate Angel, the better.
KATHY: Angel haters of the world, unite! Come back to my apartment with me, nephew. There's someone you should meet--someone who hates Angel almost as much as we both do.
CONNOR: Sounds like another good plan, Aunt Kathy.
Kathy and Connor walk off together.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is behind his desk, paging through a huge book. His phone rings, and he answers.
WESLEY: Hello?
GUNN: Hey, man, I have a meeting with Ykcor the Sivaeb demon right about now, and I wanted to ask if you can cover for me.
WESLEY: Certainly I can do so. Is anything wrong?
GUNN: Nah, I just want to spend as much time as I can with the girls at this stage. I know all parents say it, and everyone else gets sick of hearing it, but babies change so quickly at their age. Oh, just so you know, Ykcor really dislikes formality. Don't wear anything fancy to the meeting, or he'll get insulted and walk out. A t-shirt and jeans would be good.
WESLEY: I'll keep that in mind.
GUNN: Thanks! Bye!
Wesley hangs up the phone, gets up, and goes to his closet, where he roots around. Various items of clothing are conveniently positioned inside. Wesley grabs the only t-shirt he sees, as well as a pair of jeans, and begins to change. SHIRTLESS WESLEY scene ensues. Finally, Wesley puts on the t-shirt, hurries to his office door, and goes into the corridor. He looks around and sees a SIVAEB DEMON a few doors away. (Sivaebs are thin, lime-green demons with one eye, four ears, a round mouth, and six hands with three claws on each one.) Wesley rushes over to the demon.
WESLEY: Hello, Ykcor. My name is Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, and I'll be meeting with you today, since my colleague, Charles Gunn, is away on an emergency.
The demon stares at Wesley's shirt and does not answer.
WESLEY: Is something wrong?
Wesley looks down at the shirt. It contains the text "I'm with Stupid" and shows a large arrow pointing roughly in the direction of the Sivaeb demon.
WESLEY: Oh, my. I don't mean this. That is, please don't take this personally. I chose this shirt specifically in your honor, which isn't to say I think you're stupid, because I didn't take the time to read the wording on the shirt. I was in far too much of a hurry and I threw on the first thing I saw. Which, again, isn't to say that you're not worth an effort. I think. Oh, I don't know what I mean.
The demon begins to quiver. Then it makes an odd whistling noise.
WESLEY: You're offended. I'm very sorry, I assure you.
More whistling, louder.
WESLEY: I said I was sorry. What more do you need? I think--wait a minute. You're laughing, aren't you? Whistling is the way your species of demon indicates amusement. My shirt doesn't offend you; it amuses you. This is quite a relief, since I would hardly enjoy being sliced open by those sharp claws of yours. Shall I collect your file so we can proceed with the meeting?
Wesley goes down the hallway, the Siveab demon still whistling beside him. Gwen approaches, holding a large ax.
GWEN: Stand back, Wesley. I'll take care of this hideous creature for you!
She pulls back the ax, prepared to attack the demon. Wesley jumps in front of the Sivaeb, which abruptly stops whistling.
WESLEY: No! This is a client. We don't harm clients. Put the ax down and step away.
GWEN: That thing is a client? Oh, no. I am so embarrassed. I never would have guessed.
WESLEY: Just try not to jump to conclusions in future, please.
He and the demon stalk past Gwen.
GWEN: Well, I thought I was having a good day up until now.
Downcast, she proceeds down the corridor.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
A random EMPLOYEE (the babysitter) is watching television. GUNN returns to the penthouse.
GUNN: You can go now. I won't need you anymore today.
The employee quietly leaves. Gunn goes and checks on the babies, who are peacefully sleeping. He smiles and then looks around, realizing that someone is missing.
GUNN: That's strange. Lucky didn't come trotting out to meet me when I came home. I wonder why not.
He looks around; no sign of the dog. He grows more concerned as he searches the penthouse and cannot find Lucky. When he is in the living room, he begins to call the dog's name.
GUNN: Lucky? Lucky, where are you?
He hears a low whimpering from across the room and goes to check it out. Lucky is lying behind the coffee table, looking miserable.
GUNN: Lucky, what are you doing back there? Come on out. (The dog whines and shivers, but does not stand.) Are you all right? (Gunn feels Lucky's nose.) Oh, no. Your nose is hot and dry. You're sick! I'll have to call Gwen over to babysit the girls while I take you to the vet. Don't worry, Lucky, you're going to be fine.
As he reaches for his cell phone, Gunn continues to comfort the miserable, sick dog.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
SHIRTLESS LINDSEY is sitting on the couch, with his blanket wrapped around his waist. KATHY comes in through the front door with CONNOR behind her.
KATHY: Hi, Lindsey. Meet our new partner: my nephew, Connor.
LINDSEY: Nephew? But that would make him Angel's son.
KATHY: Exactly. Apparently, Angel tried to cut poor Connor out of everyone's lives by altering their memories, but Connor recently regained his after being hit on the head by a stack of books. He immediately dropped everything and hurried here, determined to seek revenge on Angel. He's a nephew after my own heart.
CONNOR: (looking at Lindsey) So who are you?
LINDSEY: Lindsey McDonald. Angel did a lot of crap to me, too. We're in the same boat.
CONNOR: I guess if Aunt Kathy thinks you're okay, you must be.
LINDSEY: Gee, thanks.
KATHY: Hey, it's kind of a big deal if I decide I like someone, I'll have you know. I don't decide to make friends with just anyone who happens down the pike. Connor, Lindsey has the spare room, so you'll have to sleep on the couch. Is that all right?
CONNOR: I've had worse, believe me. And I'd sleep on a bed of burning coals if it meant I could get back at my dad for all the pain he's caused me.
LINDSEY: And that's something we can all agree on.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
ANGEL and SPIKE have returned from their trip outside.
SPIKE: That was quite an experience.
ANGEL: It certainly was. The feeling of the sunlight on my face, how different everything looks during the day, and all the rest of it.
SPIKE: I wonder if we'll tan? Maybe even get sunburns? (He feels his face, and then his neck at the spot where Angel bit him earlier.) Of course, the disadvantage to traipsing around during the day is that no other vamps were there to see my new claiming scar that shows that I belong to you. We'll have to go out tonight and make sure a bunch of them get a good look at it then. I only wish you were my sire rather than Drusilla.
ANGEL: Well, in my mind I am your true sire, in all but in deed. Dru might have bitten you and fed you her blood, but I'm the one who taught you everything you know.
SPIKE: Hey, I learned quite a lot on my own in the many, many, many years after you deserted me when you got your soul.
Angel guiltily looks away, and Spike instantly feels sorry.
SPIKE: I sense a brood coming on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories. I know the period right after you got your soul back was a hard time for you and you couldn't be around me while you had a soul and I didn't.
ANGEL: That's true, but I want you to know something very important that I've never told you before. I never stopped caring about you and hoping you were all right, wherever you were, even though I knew you were still evil.
SPIKE: It's a good thing I went and collected my own soul, then, so we could be together without regrets on either side. Guess we just both have to be either soulless or soulful at the same time for things to work out between us.
ANGEL: Just as long as we're both happy. I know I am.
SPIKE: I am too. So we both are. (Spike thinks over this last statement.) Wait a minute! Something isn't right here. You might be happy, but you're not perfectly happy because you haven't lost your soul. Something is missing from our relationship. You must not really love me.
ANGEL: Of course I do. I said I did, didn't I?
SPIKE: You're lying. You would have lost your soul by now if you were perfectly happy.
ANGEL: No, I wouldn't. Because there's something you don't know. Something very big and very important. It's a secret so monumental that I have never before mentioned it to anyone, but now I'm sharing it with you. When Willow came to town last year to restore my soul, she did me a huge favor. She removed the happiness clause from the curse without telling anyone except me. My soul is anchored, and perfect happiness can't take it away from me ever again.
SPIKE: You mean...?
ANGEL: Yes. The specter of Angelus no longer hangs over us.
SPIKE: That is the best news I've heard since you told me you loved me.
ANGEL: We can both be happy. And remember, we took the whole day off. No one will miss us until tomorrow.
Or so he thinks....
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
WESLEY is sitting behind his desk, reading a paper. He frowns.
WESLEY: I see that I will need Angel's signature on this very important form. (He picks up the phone and dials a number.) Harmony, I need to speak to Angel.
HARMONY: Angel isn't in.
WESLEY: Well, do you know where he is right now?
HARMONY: I don't have a clue.
WESLEY: Then I'll leave a message with you, but you must give it to him the second you see him. I want to get this taken care of very quickly today.
HARMONY: Angel won't see your message that soon. He won't be in till tomorrow, at the earliest.
WESLEY: How do you know that? I thought you said you didn't know where he is.
HARMONY: I don't know where he is, but I do know that he phoned earlier and said he wouldn't be coming in to work today.
WESLEY: Wonderful. (He hangs up on Harmony and continues talking to himself.) Well, this is quite something. There I was, worried that Fred and I were being lazy and selfish by taking a bit of time off to celebrate our newfound relationship, and now I find out not only that Gunn took time off, but that Angel, the leader of our organization, isn't coming in and didn't bother to notify me or even to give his own secretary a good reason. I should give him a piece of my mind. Only, where might he be? Perhaps in his penthouse, enjoying his leisure time. I'll soon find out.
Wesley strides out of his office, sticks an "Out to Lunch" sign on his door, and heads toward the elevators.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are there, still discussing their lives and their plans to get revenge on Angel.
KATHY: A series of coincidences better known as fate brought us together as an unstoppable, unbeatable team.
LINDSEY: I think we'll do far better as a group than we would have separately.
CONNOR: Yeah. We just need to come up with a good plan. With our brainpower combined, though, that shouldn't take very long.
LINDSEY: We need to get some magic books and other research items.
CONNOR: I don't approve of magic, and I won't participate in that.
LINDSEY: You don't have to. I'm willing to handle that end, while you can be the muscle.
KATHY: The muscle along with me. I'm pretty strong myself, you know. And I'd also like to look into magical solutions to our Angel problem. You never know what you'll find.
CONNOR: Fine, just leave me out of any magic. I'm more interested in keeping things on a human level. And hey, now that I know someone who can fill me in, what was Angel like when he was human?
KATHY: A real jerk. A crappy brother. A drunk. A womanizer. A waste of skin. I think that about sums it up.
Connor looks thoughtful. He hesitates, then speaks again.
CONNOR: Aunt Kathy, I've been wondering something for a while now and I think you can give me the answer I need.
KATHY: I'll do my best, nephew. I like saying that: "nephew." It sounds good.
CONNOR: And I like having an aunt. Especially one who can tell me what I want to know.
KATHY: Well, go on, ask whatever you want to.
CONNOR: Okay. What is Angel's last name?
KATHY: Hmm. Not the question I was expecting and also not something I wanted to have to tell you. I was hoping you would never think to ask it, but since you have, Angel's last name is O'Connor.
CONNOR: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that if I used Angel's last name, I'd be called Connor O'Connor?
KATHY: Sorry, but you did ask.
CONNOR: That would be horrible, only I refuse to believe it's true. No one, not even Angel, would do something like that to an innocent kid.
LINDSEY: You have heard about those people who named their kids Moon Unit and Dweezil, haven't you? Not to mention the existence of names like Tangerine, Pontiac, and Espn.
KATHY: Sad but true.
CONNOR: As if I needed another reason to hate the guy. My name is Connor O'Connor. Unbelievable.
LINDSEY: I don't blame you for being upset, but the best thing you can do now is to channel your anger at the appropriate target. I'll give you a hint: His name begins with an "a" and ends with an "l." Look at all the times he's wronged you, all the ways he's damaged your life, and use that knowledge and the rage it engenders to destroy him.
Determined, Connor nods.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GWEN is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, when the door opens and GUNN enters, carrying LUCKY, who looks much better than he did before.
GUNN: The vet gave me medicine for Lucky. He should be fine. (He sets the dog on the floor.) So, how were the girls?
GWEN: Nice and quiet. I checked in on them a couple of times, but they slept the whole time you were gone. I'm glad Lucky is all right, but I really need to get back to work now. I almost made a huge mistake earlier and I have to prove that I don't always do stupid things without thinking. I want to make a good impression, especially in these opening days, to show that I'll be an effective employee who can make a difference.
GUNN: Sure, head on back. Things should be fine here now.
Gwen leaves. Gunn goes to check on the babies. Both are asleep, but the baby on the left, TIA, is stirring fretfully. Gunn looks more closely at her and notices a red mark on her leg.
GUNN: What's that? It doesn't look good.
He picks the baby up. She awakens but lies quietly as Gunn examines her.
GUNN: Oh, no. Tia, you have a terrible rash. How could this have happened? You must feel just awful, suffering with this nasty condition. (He looks at Mia and spots a similar mark on her leg.) Mia has it too! That settles it--I'm officially the world's worst father. Emergency room, here we come!
He frantically begins to get the babies ready for a trip outside.
###############
HALLWAY OUTSIDE ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE
WESLEY strides up, looking annoyed. He goes right to the door and doesn't bother to press the bell. Instead, he pounds on the door with his fist, over and over, for several seconds. He pauses and waits for someone to answer. The door does indeed open and the living room is revealed in the background behind SHIRTLESS SPIKE, who does not look very pleased by the intrusion.
SPIKE: What do you want? Make it quick, too, because I have better things to do than talk to you.
WESLEY: Spike. What are you doing in Angel's penthouse without your shirt on?
SHIRTLESS ANGEL enters the living room behinds Spike.
ANGEL: Spike, have you seen my hair gel? (His voice falters at the very end when he spots Wesley.)
WESLEY: Angel, what are you doing with Spike in your penthouse without your shirt on?
Spike smirks; Angel looks faintly embarrassed; Wesley stares at them and then slowly it dawns on him.
WESLEY: Oh. I see.
ANGEL: It's not what it looks like.
SPIKE: (loudly) Yes, it is.
WESLEY: In that case, excuse me. I didn't realize.
Wesley backs away and then escapes without a backward glance, moving as quickly as he can without running. Back in the penthouse, Spike closes the door and faces Angel.
SPIKE: You are ashamed of me. We got caught bare-chested by one of your friends and you still tried to make up an excuse to cover the truth.
ANGEL: I did not! (Beat.) Okay, maybe I did. But it's only because I didn't expect to see Wesley there. I wasn't ready. It took me by surprise.
SPIKE: Or, you're ashamed of me.
ANGEL: Look, I'm not ashamed of you! In fact, I'll prove it! I'm going to call a meeting with Wesley, Lorne, Fred, and Gunn for an hour from now, and when we get there I'm going to tell them the truth. Is that good enough for you?
SPIKE: Sure, if you can bring yourself to go through with it.
ANGEL: I can and I will. Just watch me.
SPIKE: Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
ANGEL: What's with the attitude? You know, I'm beginning to wonder about something. Did you secretly arrange for Wesley to show up here and catch us together? Because it seems awfully coincidental that he arrived just at that particular incriminating moment.
SPIKE: I wasn't plotting behind your back! I would never do that to you.
ANGEL: You've been known to pull some tricks in the past.
SPIKE: That was before. That was the old me. You can trust the new me with your life, and you should. I trust you, after all.
Angry tears fill Spike's eyes. Angel melts at the sight.
ANGEL: I'm sorry, Spike. I shouldn't have doubted you or falsely accused you. Look, come with me to the meeting with our friends, and I think you'll really, really like what I have to say. I'm going to be open and honest and straightforward, and we're going to be together and they're all going to know it. Okay?
SPIKE: Okay.
However, Spike still looks doubtful as he turns away and grabs his shirt. Angel grabs the phone and starts dialing.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN stands gazing down at TIA and MIA, who are sleeping. Both look fine.
GUNN: I'm so relieved that you two are all right.
From beside Gunn, LUCKY barks. He looks very fluffy and perky and energetic.
GUNN: (laughs) And you too, Lucky! I could never forget about you!
I'm not a bad daddy after all. I just overreacted. But it's better to overreact than not to react at all, I always say.
He collapses on the couch. Lucky leaps up beside him and puts his head in Gunn's lap.
GUNN: This parenting stuff is way harder than it looks. I don't want to go through a day like this one ever again. It's bad for my nerves. Someone should have warned me. (Lucky whines in sympathy; Gunn strokes his fur.) Ah, this is what it's all about, right here, right now. Moments like this make everything worthwhile.
The phone rings. Gunn sighs.
GUNN: So much for peace and relaxation. I'd better see who it is.
He picks up the receiver.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - OFFICE
ANGEL, SPIKE, FRED, GUNN, LORNE, and WESLEY are gathered at a rectangular table. Angel is at the head of the table, with Spike to his right. The others are also seated (doesn't matter where).
GUNN: Hey, what's going on here, Angel? Another weird meeting from out of nowhere? What's this one about? Don't tell me you have another homidical sister on the loose.
ANGEL: Okay, I won't tell you that.
LORNE: Then what is it?
Angel opens his mouth, tries to speak, and closes it. Tries again; fails again. Helplessly, he looks at Spike, who gives him an encouraging nod. Angel attempts his little speech again.
ANGEL: (very fast) Spike and I are in love, and we're together.
Silence follows this proclamation. Gunn, Lorne, and Fred exchange shocked looks. Finally, Fred speaks.
FRED: I can't believe it. This is so weird.
GUNN: Yeah, you guys are the last two I ever thought would be... you know.
SPIKE: (indignantly) Why? Because we're two men in a relationship with each other and something's wrong with that?
GUNN: No, because you two hate each other's guts and usually fight like cats and dogs when you're in the same room.
SPIKE: Oh.
LORNE: See, now we have to make the adjustment to you two being lovebirds. This might take some time.
ANGEL: Still, you're all accepting the news better than I had thought you might.
WESLEY: Actually, word of your relationship with Spike is no great surprise, when one thinks about it objectively and remembers that all vampires are bisexual. Logically, we all should have been expecting such an occurrence all along. Myself in particular, as I have the greatest knowledge of vampiric nature and proclivities. How could I have missed the signs? It really was quite careless of me.
GUNN: So that's the only reason we were all called in? To hear that announcement?
ANGEL: Yeah, I guess so.
GUNN: Great. Congrats, Angel, Spike, I'm really happy for you two but I have to get back to the girls now.
FRED: Since nothing's wrong, I'll just go back to work.
WESLEY: As will I.
LORNE: And I have a lot of boring phone calls to make that no one cares about, which is why you hardly ever see me around.
Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Lorne all leave. Angel and Spike look at each other.
ANGEL: Well, that went better than I thought it would.
CUT TO: outside the office. PAIGE lurks nearby. As Fred, Lorne, Gunn, and Wesley exit, she ducks out of sight.
PAIGE: It's surprisingly easy to eavesdrop around here, even though I heard nothing of particular interest this time. At least no one caught me listening in. They can't learn my secret until I choose to reveal it. All in due time!
FADEOUT.
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Sarah McLachlan.
