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I recently bought this product called "Miracle Crystal Soil, Nutrient and Moisture Balls for Plants" for two reasons. One is that I'm trying to grow some plants and thought it sounded interesting to use. The second reason is that an online product review said the instructions were hilarious. Boy, was the person who reported that correct!

Also, whoever had the idea of using microscopic black type on a dark blue package made a really bad move. Eyestrain, anyone?

Just to whet your appetites, here is the first line from the directions:
1. Affiliation clean water 1000ml to the Crystal mud soak 6-12 hours to filter the superfluous water.

Flora that chooses fitly living )
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Twilight series quote of the day (from Breaking Dawn, page 94): I've never been so happy in all my life--I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me....

I wonder if good Twilight fanfic exists. My searches have mostly turned up schlock with summaries similar to these:

Bella is a mermaid and Edward is the sailor who finds her.

I suck at summery's just read it.

like twilight but edward is human and bella is the vampire can true love prevail. Read 2 find out!!!!!

I believe, however, that things hit a new low with one particular story. The author was trying to indicate that the fic was a ménage à trois. Actually, it was a foursome and she called it, get this, a Menasha twa.

I broke. I made my first topic at fanficrants in ages about this subject. (BTW, if you go to look at the story in question, be warned that it's extremely adult in nature.)

Has anyone ever found any decent Twilight fic? In my searches, I don't think I saw a single story that I would recommend to anyone I like and want to remain on good terms with.

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It recently came to my attention that a certain comm is running an anti-Gwen contest. You all know who Gwen is, right? From Torchwood? The worst character on TV? Yeah, that Gwen, the one no one likes.

So, contestants can submit wallpapers, icons, fanfic, banners, etc. And, the bit that made my ears prick up, there's a prize, a lofty offering of six months' paid LJ account time to the winner.

Well, thought I, my graphics abilities are limited (read: craptastic), but certainly I can vomit up throw together carefully craft in the space of ten whole minutes an appropriately shitty Gwen-bashing fanfic entry guaranteed to be totally OOC and thus pleasing to the Gwen haters in question. I have a hard time imagining that anyone else will produce anything more "interesting" in any way, so I believe this contest is over. No need to wait for the deadline; gimme my prize now, dammit!

Title: The Gwen Bashers
Author: [ profile] ghost2
Rating: PG-13 for language and the presence of Gwen
Word count: 835 words of senseless and stupid Gwen hatred
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, and last and least, Gwen
Summary: Gwen gets what she's deserved for a long time.
Beta reader: I am randomly informing the world that I didn't use one.
A/N: I wrote this story in ten minutes, bet you can't tell!
I killed two birds with one stone. Not only is this story an entry in the ----------- comm contest, I used an unfilled prompt from the Gwenbash table: murder.
And now I present: The Gwen Bashers!

Gwen sucks and everyone hates her, blah, blah, blah )

Wow, that was kind of cathartic. Now I feel motivated to work on The Idiot's Guide to Growing Your Own TARDIS (Handy's attempts to escape an earthbound existence).


Jun. 10th, 2008 11:29 pm
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I've been going online for a good few years now. However, until tonight, I had never run across the acronym cba. Fittingly enough, I encountered it for the first time through reading badfic. The cba appears in a Torchwood author's response to a suggestion that she use a beta reader: here.

Given that the story includes the following text, apparently the author couldn't be arsed to proofread, either. Presenting "Mr &Mr Harkness-Jones" in Wedding Night:

“I’m only continuing tradition when the groom carry’s the bride into the bedroom for the first tie after they are married.”

“Jack i’m not the wife!”

“Yes you are”

“NO i’m not!”

“Yes you are”

“Ok but I bet I make a good wife!” Ianto smirked.

“Oh you will”

“Just one thing though I’m not doing all the house work”.

Periods, full stops, I don't care what you want to call those cute little punctuation marks, but please just stick one of the things at the end of each sentence. Also, commas are very friendly and useful. Really, they are.

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One viewer (a Ten/Rose fan; big surprise) was positing that folks who don't like Rose are jealous Doctor/Martha shippers. Seeing that I don't especially like Martha and do not ship Doctor/Martha (though I have nothing against those who do, unless they are batshit), I fail to fit into this horribly generalized category.

Yeah, I'm kind of neutral. Overall I don't much like Rose but OTOH, I think Martha is only just okay. So I don't have any strong pro-Martha bias when pointing out badfic. I haven't seen any Rose-bashing fic lately or I'd bitch about that too. Bad writing is bad writing, regardless of how I feel about a particular character.

I'd hope that any sensible Rose (or Ten/Rose) fan would despise the following story about as much as I do. It's yet another reunionfic, creatively titled Reunited.

The author gives "first fic" as an excuse for possible suckiness. That said, she thinks the horrific anti-Martha ending of the story is actually good so I'm not inclined to be very sympathetic.

In which Martha becomes a floating blob. )

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In the interest of fairness, I thought I'd mention a Torchwood badfic for once.

This is a torchwooddoctor who story I came up with Roxy is my charecter she has come with me to here from teaspoon. she is Captain Jack's friend and The Doctor partner this is set in torchwood and at the end we see the TARDIS

I'm betting Teaspoon wasn't sorry to see Roxy leave. I don't recall exactly when that site went moderated, but if this little gem of a summary happened to pop up there after that point, I can't imagine any mod NOT rejecting the thing. So much is wrong with it, it's hard to know where to start.

Meet Roxy. You'll wish you hadn't. )
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Martha is so jealous of Rose, she wants pretty much everything Rose had. At least, that's how one author at would have it in Stealing Rose's Life.

Not only does Martha want the Doctor, she wants to look like the "lovely" and "glorious" Rose instead of her own "ugly" and "disgusting" self. And wait till you see how she describes her own skin color!

It gets worse. )
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More badfic from I actually felt sorry for Rose after reading this story.

My name is NOT Rose Tyler

The Time War is raging. Amazonalia--bwahaha! I'm sorry, but that name just cracks me up. Anyway, Amazonalia's mother sends her away so she'll be safe. Gallifrey has already been destroyed, and the planet where they're now living is also in danger. Amazonalia, who looks about 15 in human years, ends up on Earth, where she encounters Jackie and makes up a story about having amnesia, and no family that she remembers. About five minutes after meeting her, Jackie volunteers to adopt Mary Sue--er, I mean, Amazonalia. And so things go on for a few years.

Then Amazonalia meets the Doctor. She doesn't tell HIM she's from Gallifrey, though. Oh, no. She pretends to be human! Why? Well, during her telepathic communication with the TARDIS, we find out:

If he knew I was a Time Lord then he wouldn’t be so impressed. )

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So, I'm over at just about every day, hoping to see something worth reading. More often, however, I find crap like the following in the Doctor Who section:

it's a reunion story with jack in it an the geast star face of boe but what happands when the doctor gets to pete's world.

And that was just the summary! Somehow I made it all the way through the abysmal first chapter, as well. Looking back, though, I'm not sure how.

On a brighter note, I might be doing DW recs for [ profile] rec50 again. At least, I volunteered and am waiting to hear back. I made 50 recs over there in 2006 and by now I think I can come up with a lot of new ones.


Jan. 9th, 2008 05:02 pm
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Just went over to to check out the Doctor Who just-in page and wished I had chosen a different day to do so. There's an author over there using the word "Drose" in her summaries.

That is just plain wrong.
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Here's my contribution to the Buffy Badfic Mockathon. I hope the formatting comes out right; I'm still getting used to LJ.

This story is for phendog, who wanted Stuttering!Giles, Bitchy!Buffy, and Silly!Xander. Plot request was: Willow casts a spell and two of the main characters who weren't together in canon end up sleeping together (can be because the spell actually makes them, or because the spell does something entirely unrelated that leads to that) and have to deal with the consequences. Pet peeve was: Completely ignoring canon/messing w/canon order. For example: Dawn magically appearing in something set before season 5, Ignoring that Buffy lost her virginity to Angel, Spike having a soul in season get the idea.

Go ahead and keep my name on it. It's meant to suck, so I'm not ashamed of it.

Read more... )
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Received my mockathon assignment, to be written for phendog.
I have no doubt that I will be able to create a completely crappy story, following the below guidelines.

Character requests: Stuttering!Giles; Bitchy!Buffy; Silly!Xander

Stupid, overused plot: Willow casts a spell and two of the main characters who weren't together in canon end up sleeping together (can be because the spell actually makes them, or because the spell does something entirely unrelated that leads to that) and have to deal with the consequences.

Irritating pet peeve you'd like included: Completely ignoring canon/messing w/canon order. For example: Dawn magically appearing in something set before season 5, Ignoring that Buffy lost her virginity to Angel, Spike having a soul in season get the idea. I'm sure you can think of plenty of fun to have with this.

Anything you REALLY don't want to see: What? And limit badfic? Okay...well no crossovers, just because if I don't know the other arc, I can't comment on it.


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