Angel fic: Cancellation Notice IV
Apr. 17th, 2005 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ghost2TITLE: Cancellation Notice 4/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"The Revolt"
The first three episodes had all been taped and shipped off to every major television critic in the country for early critiquing. The initial episode was set to air nationally in just two nights. The ratings for this one were crucial. If they were especially good, the chances of a reprieve from cancellation increased. If they were low, the show's fate looked just as dismal as before.
Once again, Gunn, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Fred, Lorne, Lindsey, Gwen, Connor, Paige, and Kathy convened in the office. Today Lorne was holding a sheaf of papers. "I had Harmony compile all of our advance reviews so we can see which way the wind blows. Everyone, start reading." He doled out the articles to all except Paige, Gwen, Kathy, and Connor, who were too busy gossiping to pay any attention to him. For a few moments there was silence as the others scanned the reviews. Then the reports came in.
"'USA Today' gives us a half-star out of four," Spike began.
"'The ridiculous Mary Sue named Paige is the stupidest new character of the year,'" Angel quoted.
"'People' trashes the 'bizarre baby storyline' and says we're now 'the worst show on the WB, hands down,'" Gunn recited.
"'The deus ex machina time-travel plot device is only the beginning of the travesty,'" Lindsey continued.
"'Variety' calls our stories 'regurgitated swill,'" Wesley said.
"And according to 'Entertainment Weekly,' 'ANGEL has undergone perhaps the most disastrous makeover in TV history,'" Fred concluded.
Angel put his head in his hands. "They hate us. They absolutely hate us."
"Knew it," Spike said with a nod. "What with Lorne in charge an' all."
"Yes, Lorne, what do you have to say about this turn of events?" Wesley challenged.
They all looked at their self-appointed writer, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Listen to this, gang! 'TV Guide's' Matt Roush, who's been one of our biggest supporters, devoted a whole column to the show. Here's the best part: 'The formerly original, near-genius plotting has been replaced by dull stodginess, out-of-character twists, and banal dialogue. It's hard to single out just one, but perhaps the lousiest addition is the atrocious laugh track, which gives new meaning to the term "unfunny" even as it offends the discerning ear. Goodbye, ANGEL: We won't miss you after all.'" Lorne leaped up and performed an impromptu dance around the room, clutching the crumpled reviews in one upraised fist. "Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! Ha! Yes!"
Bemused, Fred, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Lindsey, and Angel exchanged glances. "Why are you so happy, Lorne?" Fred questioned. "You're acting like you wanted bad reviews."
Lorne collapsed into his chair, still smiling. "Of course we wanted negative reviews, sugar plum. It's publicity gold. Good reviews never helped us and no one pays attention to mediocre ones. Now we're practically guaranteed increased viewership. People'll want to see the train wreck."
"Or hide their eyes," Gunn muttered.
"Wait until the ratings roll in," Lorne said confidently. "Now, back to business. Script number four is in the works and it'll land in your eager little hands very soon. Spike, Angel, I have a treat for you fellas. A non-angsty story, just for you. It will warm the hearts of the audience and amuse them. Spike, initially you have trouble fully relaxing and you find yourself unable to purr. Then you--"
Spike sat bolt upright. "Hold up. What's this about purring?"
"You know how vampires purr when they're especially happy or contented."
"No, we don't," Angel blurted.
"Yes, you do," Lorne insisted.
"I don't purr," Spike said flatly.
"Maybe you just never had a reason to before."
"If I didn't do it when Buffy let me use the handcuffs on her, I'm not doin' it just because I'm with Angel now," Spike maintained.
Lorne stared hard at him and then dropped the argument. "Okay, Angel, I'm even more excited about your story. It's very timely, and will allow many of our viewers to identify with you, despite the fact that you are a vampire. We're going to humanize you and bring you to their level. You, my friend, are going on a low-carb diet."
"A diet," Angel repeated.
"Sure thing. The Atkins diet is hot right now, so we're climbing on the bandwagon."
Spike and Angel quickly held a whispered conference. When they emerged from it, neither looked happy. "I'm not a cat, and I don't purr," Spike reiterated.
"And I refuse to go on a low-carb diet," stated Angel.
"We're on strike," they said in unison.
Lorne looked from one to the other. "You can't refuse to perform your scenes."
"Yeah?" Angel retorted. "Well, I think we can. Until we get a suitable rewrite, we're out of here."
"We're the most popular characters on the show," Spike added. "You can't do it without us."
"Oh, yes, I can," Lorne said grimly. "You two want to strike? Fine. I'll revise the script and write you both out of this episode."
Spike and Angel stood up, presenting a united front. "We'll be waiting for our new scripts with decent storylines," Angel announced. Together he and Spike stalked out of the room. The door slammed behind them.
In their wake, Lorne was breathing hard. "Fine. Fine. We can work past this. I just need to regroup." He sat still for a few moments, catching his breath and thinking with his brow furrowed. No one dared disturb his intense concentration. Then he announced, "Here's what we're going to do. We'll add a few lines to the script to explain the sudden absences of Angel and Spike. Turns out they went to San Francisco to picket in support of gay marriages. As for Angel's diet story, that one's too good to waste. Low-carb diets are all the rage right now and we need to cash in on the craze. You could label bags of dog crap 'low-carb' and people would line up around the block to buy 'em. Someone else from the show needs to go on the diet." He looked around the table; everyone else was looking pointedly back at him. "Oh, yeah. I guess no one else around here can afford to lose any weight. It's gotta be me. Fine. I'll take over Angel's story and go on the diet. We'll put the purring plot on hold for the moment. I think that covers all the problem areas."
"I get some more great action sequences, don't I?" Gwen piped up.
"You sure do!" Lorne said, beaming at this show of enthusiasm. "As for the rest of you guys, Gunn continues with the babies and the puppy but trouble lurks on the horizon, Paige's big secret is revealed, Lindsey and Kathy grow closer, Connor launches a fiendish plot, and Fred's revived political ambitions strain her relationship with Wesley."
"I don't have political ambitions!" Fred objected.
"You do now, sweet cheeks. You want to run for mayor of Los Angeles."
"The mayoral election isn't even held until next year," Wesley pointed out.
"So we accelerated the timetable a tad," Lorne admitted. "Call it dramatic license and go with it."
Fred considered. "Actually, that's no more unbelievable than most of the other stuff we've been doing."
"Yeah," Gunn said with a sigh. "We made some real breakthroughs today. Like, Angel and Spike finally found a subject they can agree on. Does anyone know if blood even has carbs?"
An awkward silence ensued. Finally, Fred spoke up. "To be perfectly honest, I don't blame poor Spike for not liking his story. Purring vampires only appear in really cheesy fan-fiction scenes written by authors who think it's cute."
Lorne countered, "Yes, and have you ever noticed how many readers those pieces of fanfic attract? Those stories don't have to be good, and neither do we. We just need to get people to watch. Speaking of which, I've been brainstorming to come up with a catchy slogan for our new approach. We want to siphon away viewers from shows that air on other networks in our time slot, which means we have to do what they do, only in a more entertaining way. Here's the catchphrase I came up with, encompassing the competing shows from CBS, NBC, Fox, and ABC: 'More laughs than "The King of Queens!" More politics than "The West Wing!" More fights than "The O.C.!" More nudity than "The Bachelor!" More vampires than anyone!'"
"You forgot to include the UPN programming," Lindsey pointed out.
"Nah, even if only by default, we've got to be better than anything they air against us. When your flagship show is 'Enterprise,' you know your network's in trouble."
"Oh!" Fred exclaimed. "You mentioned politics and 'The West Wing.' Is that how you came up with the idea of me running for mayor?"
"Sure is," Lorne confirmed. "We're going to steal viewers from 'The West Wing' by launching our own thrilling politic story in this contentious election year."
"Why is Fred stuck being your guinea pig?" Gunn demanded.
Lorne stared at him. "Are you volunteering to take her place?"
Gunn quickly shook his head. "I have enough going on with the babies and the dog and Gwen. I was thinking you could give the political story to Lindsey or Paige."
"It stays with Fred," Lorne insisted. "We need to drive a wedge between her and Wesley, and this plot is our tool."
"Thanks for trying anyway," Fred whispered to Gunn.
"I heard that," said Lorne. "But I'll forgive you. We have to stick together, as much as possible. We still have time to prove we belong on the air, and we're going to do it. Even if it means Fred running for mayor, Gunn raising babies, and Kathy being alive."
Reminded of their goal, the others nodded and went to work with renewed determination. Even if it did mean that Fred had to develop political ambitions from out of thin air.
***
This is the awful script Lorne wrote for the fourth of the six episodes the show has left. Since Angel and Spike had to be written out at the last minute, several scenes were hastily added or revised and may make even less sense than usual.
EPISODE: "The Low-Carb Diet"
(NOTE: Laugh track is to go off at irregular intervals, approximately three times each minute.)
TEASER
Used-car lot: rows and rows and rows of vehicles of all descriptions. Different makes and models, colors, shapes, sizes, prices, etc.
Interior of drugstore: aisles of products with various kinds of packaging, colors, brands, sizes, etc.
Restaurant menu with dozens of options, portion sizes, prices, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
This crazy world of ours is so confusing, with so many choices to make. How do we know which ones are right and which ones will lead us on a path of doom and destruction, and ever-mounting problems? Sometimes, we have to find guidance from outside and trust that others will be so generous as to help us. Have faith in the inherent goodness of people. Sometimes you'll be surprised and impressed when you do.
FADE IN.
SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES - ALLEY
Night. A 20-something MAN cowers on the ground. Blood is dripping from the fresh fang marks on his neck. Three more men of about the same age are lying on the ground next to him with similar wounds. Sounds of fighting nearby. We see KATHY, dressed in her trademark catsuit (this one bright yellow), battling a gang of four burly VAMPIRES. She kicks one in the crotch, stakes another with a fingernail file, twists the next one's head off, and punches the last one so hard it sails down the alley. GWEN, dressed in a very short skirt and wearing high heels, runs over and stakes that vampire. Kathy finishes off the first one. Now all the vampires are dust. Kathy and Gwen look at each other.
KATHY: Thanks for the help, but I didn't need it. I had everything under control.
GWEN: Just wanted to make sure that last vamp didn't have a chance to escape. I won't bother you again.
Gwen turns and walks away.
KATHY: Who was that, and how does she know about vampires?
The injured men begin to stir. Kathy turns to them.
KATHY: You guys should know better than to be walking around at night alone. It isn't safe unless you can handle yourselves in a fight.
CONNOR runs down the alley toward her.
CONNOR: Wow, Aunt Kathy, you did a great job!
KATHY: Thanks, Connor. By the way, did you see that woman who showed up and staked one of the vampires?
CONNOR: Yeah. Her name is Gwen Raiden. My dad knows her. They've worked together a few times.
KATHY: She's another enemy, then. We'll have to keep an eye on her. Meanwhile, let's get these men home. We can discuss our plans for Angel after that.
Connor and Kathy go to help the four injured men.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
FRED is hard at work. PAIGE, wearing a leotard as always, is assisting her. Today her leotard is tan.
FRED: Paige, you've only been here a short time and you've caught on to things so quickly. I'm impressed with you. You're a great employee.
PAIGE: I always say that you are only as good as the people who instruct you. You're an excellent supervisor, Fred.
FRED: Stop, you're making me blush. You're so efficient, I feel guilty for hogging you. I wonder if one of the others could use your help. I'd send you to Angel to see, but he and Spike aren't in the office today. Now that they both have Gems of Amara and can be out in sunlight without burning up, they went to San Francisco to participate in a picket line.
PAIGE: You know that I'm happy to do anything you need at any time. That's what I'm here for. No job is too big or too small.
FRED: If you're serious, I have some really important papers that need to be signed. Can you take them to Harmony, Angel's secretary? She'll make sure he sees them when he gets back.
Paige nods and smiles. Fred hands the papers to her.
PAIGE: I'll take care of this right away.
Paige leaves the lab. WESLEY enters a moment later. He is fidgeting and won't look Fred in the eye. For some reason, he is extremely nervous.
FRED: Hey! Is something wrong?
WESLEY: No, not exactly. I wouldn't use the wrong "wrong." I just have something quite important to do. I'll be out of the office for some time today.
FRED: Okay. Let me know when you get back.
WESLEY: Oh, I certainly will. Have no doubts on that front.
Wesley kisses Fred and then leaves. Fred stares after him for a moment.
FRED: That was weird. (She shrugs.) I guess he'll tell me all about it later.
She goes over to her desk. A newspaper lies atop it. Fred is about to throw it away when she notices the headline: "Race for Mayor of Los Angeles is Wide Open."
FRED: We have so many problems in this city. I hope the candidates plan to solve them in a realistic, fair manner and not just sweep them under the rug. (She scans the article and frowns, not liking what she is reading.) This isn't right! These candidates will just make everything worse! We need someone who wants to make things better. (She reads some more and then throws down the paper in disgust.) Someone with good intentions has to enter this race. Someone like....
An idea strikes Fred.
FRED: *I'm* going to run for mayor!
###########
THE PARK
GUNN is pushing a double stroller with TIA and MIA inside. They are happily observing the other people in the park and appear to be having a great time. Gunn is also holding LUCKY's leash. Lucky is trotting along at his side, looking around much like the girls are doing. Gunn frowns and glances over his shoulder, scanning his surroundings. He feels like he is being watched, though he cannot figure out who is doing the watching. While he is distracted, Lucky makes a break for freedom. The leash slips out of Gunn's hand and Lucky is racing away across the park, barking madly.
GUNN: Lucky! Come back! Lucky!
The dog ignores him and continues its wild dash, jumping over a group of picnickers, dodging another dog, ducking around a crowd of children, and rocketing onward. Gunn, still pushing the stroller, begins to walk faster in pursuit of Lucky, but is careful not to alarm the babies.
GUNN: Don't you worry, girls. We'll find Lucky. He just wanted to go exploring. He's curious about the world around him. Curiosity is a good thing, usually, but not in the case of a disobedient dog who doesn't know the price he might pay for running off. He could be hit by a car, or stolen, or just plain lost forever, wandering lonely and unwanted throughout the back alleys, living off of rotten scraps of food and rat carcasses. What a wretched life for any dog.
Gunn picks up his pace a bit more.
CUT TO: Lucky, dashing away. He doesn't seem about to stop for anything. A very busy street lies ahead with cars racing back and forth across it. If Lucky doesn't stop, he is almost certain to be struck and killed. Just as he is about to start across the street, a foot steps down on the end of his leash and brings him to an abrupt halt, saving him.
CUT TO: Gunn, still following the path Lucky took. He has lost sight of the dog and isn't sure quite where to look. He turns his head back and forth, scanning the area. Then he spots Lucky, tied to a bicycle rack near the street. He pushes the stroller over there as quickly as he can.
GUNN: Lucky, who tied you here? I mean, if you didn't do it yourself. But then, if you were capable of doing that, you would have just come back to me in the first place. It was the only sensible thing to do. Oh, well. At least you're safe. I'll have to keep a tighter hold on you from now on.
He unties Lucky, gets a good grip on the leash, and turns around to go home.
CUT TO: a nearby bush with EYES gleaming from behind it. Someone is hiding, watching Gunn.
###########
JEWELRY STORE
WESLEY is pacing around, looking at the cases of rings and other jewelry in total confusion. He clearly doesn't know what to do. A middle-aged male clerk is attempting to help him.
CLERK: What sort of item are you looking for? Something for a special occasion?
WESLEY: An engagement ring. I would like to propose to my girlfriend.
CLERK: Something very special, then. What sort of ring do you want?
WESLEY: What does she like? I don't know. I'm so nervous I can't think. She might like that one there. (points to diamond) Or that one. (indicates another gem) Or possibly that one as well. (picks a third stone) Oh, I don't know! I don't want to ask her because it's supposed to be a surprise, but I don't know what to choose on my own, either.
CLERK: Maybe if you--
WESLEY: (interrupts) If I make the wrong choice, she might say "No." Wait--it's Fred I'm talking about. She wouldn't do that, would she? Or would she? Is Fred that sort of person? I can't even remember. I'd better play it safe and make sure I pick something she'll like. Then I don't have to worry about the possibility of rejection. Only what might she like? I see so many possibilities. (He scans the selection and then decides.) I know! I'll play it extremely safe and take these 10 here. (He points to the rings he wants.) That way, if I show her the first ring and can tell she doesn't like it, I can laugh and tell her that one was a joke and the real ring is still in my pocket. I will then pull out the next ring in line and repeat the process, as many times as necessary. I only hope I don't have to cycle through all 10. That might become a bit awkward and embarrassing.
CLERK: You want 10 rings? Seriously?
WESLEY: That is what I said, isn't it? You can put them on my Wolfram & Hart credit card. I trust you give refunds because tomorrow, I will be bringing back nine inferior rings.
He hands over his credit card; the clerk looks at him like he's crazy but accepts it and rings up the purchases.
###########
STREETS OF LOS ANGELES
Music montage. The Cheetah Girls' "Girl Power" plays as shots of GWEN and KATHY separately fighting evil are shown.
Kathy slaughters a purple monster and demolishes an entire demon bar.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
Gwen tackles a mugger and stops a carjacking.
"I made mistakes before but I know I'm not perfect
It's okay 'cause who could ever be
As long as I give my best
It don't matter what no one says
'cause down in my heart I got the power to make it all happen"
Kathy raids a nest of sewer-dwelling vampires and lights it on fire, then laughs as the vampires burn.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up, never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
Gwen attacks a man who knocked over a little old lady, and also reports a domestic dispute to the police.
"Sometimes life may get you down
But you better hold your ground
Nobody can live your life but you
Stay true to who you are
And always follow your heart
Your heart, your heart"
Kathy buries a three-headed beast alive and hacks another one to pieces with an ax.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
LORNE has just taken a shower. He emerges from the bathroom wearing a robe and walks over to his bed, where he has placed the clothes he wants to wear today. He begins to get dressed but soon encounters problems. He has to struggle mightily to tug his pants on and when he fastens them, his belly bulges over the top of the pants. Then, when he puts on his shirt, he strains to do the buttons up. He sucks in his stomach and manages to fasten the buttons by holding his breath throughout the process, but when he does finally exhale, all the buttons pop off his shirt and go sailing around the room like projectile missiles. (ADD APPROPRIATE SOUND EFFECTS.) One button lands in Lorne's aquarium and narrowly misses beheading a fish. Another ends up in his coffee cup, etc. Lorne stares down at the wreckage of his expensive clothing.
LORNE: My clothes shrank! What idiot did my laundry last time? (He thinks, then comes to a realization.) Oh! That idiot would be me. Well, I know I didn't shrink my own clothing. I'm very careful when it comes to doing laundry. I always measure precisely the correct amount of detergent to use, and I never over-bleach. Also, the temperature setting is very important. Since I couldn't have been at fault, what could possibly have gone wrong? (He thinks again.) There's only one possible explanation--when the laundry gnome came to steal one sock from each pair being washed, he also exchanged all of my clothes for smaller sizes. Damn that gnome! In that case, the only thing I can do is wear a different outfit today.
Lorne strides over to his closet, selects new clothing, and again gets dressed. Same results as last time. The stuff just doesn't fit. Now Lorne is really starting to get aggravated.
LORNE: Did that gnome steal *all* of my clothing? This just isn't right! No, it isn't. Well, I'm not going to give up just because some evil gnome has targeted me. If I have to try on every single piece of clothing I own before I find one that fits, I'll do it! Even if it's just a thong.
With a determined expression on his face, Lorne heads back to the closet.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - HARMONY'S DESK
Holding the papers Fred gave her to deliver, PAIGE walks over to the desk. HARMONY is trying on lipstick. She looks up as Paige arrives.
HARMONY: Can I help you? Or is it "May I help you?" I can never remember the difference. Do you think it's important? Since I'm the big guy's secretary, I should be as official as possible. Oh, and by "big guy," I don't mean God. I've never met God. I mean Angel. Except he's kind of like the god of this place, you know.
Paige does not appear to be at all put out by Harmony's inane ramble. Rather, she accepts it with beautiful grace and smiles sweetly before speaking.
PAIGE: I have some papers for you. (She hands them over.), Also, if it wouldn't be any trouble, I was wondering if you might be able to help me or perhaps direct me to someone who can. I'm planning to put together a promotional brochure for Wolfram & Hart, and I need employee photos. Particularly those of the most important employees, such as Angel, Mr. Wyndam-Pryce, Mr. Gunn, and of course Spike. I still haven't met any of them.
HARMONY: Spike, huh? He's kind of a creep. He's not even nice to me anymore, and after all we've been through together! I could tell you stories about him.
PAIGE: Please do.
She settles down next to Harmony for a chat.
###########
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GWEN and GUNN are talking. LUCKY is lying on his side in the corner, looking adorable as he sleeps.
GWEN: The girl I watched last night in the alley was an incredible fighter. I've hardly ever seen anyone move that quickly and efficiently. Since she was battling vampires, she must be on our side, only she was rude when I helped her.
GUNN: Some people just prefer to do things on their own.
GWEN: She had a real chip on her shoulder. It's a shame, because she could really fight. I wonder who she was. We could use her help at Wolfram & Hart.
GUNN: If she stays in town and keeps killing vamps, she'll get a rep and we'll find out sooner or later.
GWEN: I guess so. I just wish I knew now. I don't like feeling uninformed.
GUNN: That's understandable, but you shouldn't worry too much. Think about the positives in your life.
GWEN: I wish I had as many as you do. Basically, I just have your friendship and my job at Wolfram & Hart. Now that you have Tia and Mia, and even Lucky, you have so much to live for.
GUNN: Tell me about it. I can hardly remember what my life was like before the girls came into it. And Lucky's great too, even though he gave me a scare today by running off. I guess he was just so excited to be outdoors, he couldn't restrain himself. I wish I knew who caught him and tied him up for me, though. I'd like to thank that person. Every year, many pets are struck and injured or killed by vehicles. It would have been awful if Lucky had become just another statistic.
GWEN: Maybe you'll find out who helped. When you go back to the park, that person might come up and talk to you when you least expect it.
GUNN: Yeah, maybe. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy my great new life and count my blessings. You never know when things might end.
OMINOUS MUSIC swells.
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
LORNE has just tried on the last item of clothing he possesses. It, too, did not fit. Wearing his robe again, he slumps onto the bed, head in hands, downcast.
LORNE: I have to face the very real possibility that perhaps the laundry gnome isn't responsible for this disaster. Maybe the real answer lies elsewhere. I don't want to do this, but I suppose a demon's gotta do what a demon's gotta do.
Lorne slowly stands up and walks into the bathroom. A scale is in the corner. Lorne hesitates, then squares his shoulders and steps onto the scale. He looks at the reading and his eyes widen comically.
LORNE: No, no, that can't be right.
He steps off the scale and then steps back on and checks the results again. They are the same. He steps off, sheds the robe, and gets on one more time. Still no difference in the read-out. Lorne jumps off the scale and races back into his bedroom. There, he frantically digs around until he locates a tape measure.
LORNE: Aha! Now we will discover the truth! My clothes were exchanged and my scale is broken, but a tape measure is infallible!
He pulls the tape out and around his waist, then checks the results. Again, his eyes widen. He re-measures and is finally forced to admit the truth.
LORNE: Holy cow! I'm fat! How'd that happen? Noo!
Lorne is so upset, he runs around the room in ever-widening circles until he smacks straight into a wall and bounces off it.
LORNE: Owww!
He rubs his head and gingerly feels his horns to make sure they are undamaged. When he finds that they are all right, if a bit tender, he goes back to the bed and sits down again.
LORNE: I have to admit the truth. I need to go on a diet. But I've never been able to stick to one in the past. They're all so restrictive and difficult to follow. Whatever shall I do?
He glances around the room and happens to notice a newspaper lying on the other side of the bed. The headline reads: "The Miraculous Atkins Diet: Right for You?"
LORNE: Atkins? I wonder. Could it be?
He picks up the newspaper and begins to read the article.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
(NOTE: Throughout this scene, the Beyonce song "Be With You" plays in the background.)
WESLEY walks into the lab and sees FRED reading the newspaper. Wesley stops and nervously pats his suit pocket, which is bulging with ring boxes. All 10 are crammed inside. He walks over to Fred, who doesn't notice him. She is very absorbed in the newspaper. Wesley clears his throat. Fred jumps and drops the paper. Now she sees Wesley.
WESLEY: Fred, I have something very important to discuss with you. It will affect our entire future.
Fred's eyes widen and she snatches up the newspaper.
FRED: You can't mean what I think you mean.
WESLEY: You've guessed what I'm talking about?
FRED: Yes! It's been on my mind all morning.
WESLEY: (smiles) Well, in that case, Fred, let me just accelerate matters a bit. (He starts to go down on one knee in front of her.)
FRED: (waves the newspaper in excitement and almost hits Wesley in the face) You agree that I should run for mayor? That's great! Your support means so much to me, Wesley!
WESLEY: (frozen halfway to the ground) Mayor? What are you talking about?
FRED: You just said you knew. The mayoral election coming up next month. I'm going to run for mayor of Los Angeles and then I can really make a difference in people's lives!
Wesley falls over in shock.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
HARMONY is walking along, holding several photos. The audience can see that her mouth is stained with red, but Harmony obviously has no idea. As she walks, everyone she passes turns and stares at her. Some people look disgusted, while others seem fearful. Harmony stops at the nearest bathroom to check her reflection and figure out why people are reacting so strangely. She looks in the mirror and of course sees no reflection. She laughs.
HARMONY: Silly me! I'm a vampire so I don't reflect. That is really sooo inconvenient, especially at a time like this one. I have no idea why all these folks who also work here suddenly are looking at me like I'm a monster. Except I guess I kind of am a monster, being a vampire, but since I'm a dry vampire, and they should know that, what's the problem? It's not like I'm going to run over and rip their throats out, is it?
A woman opens the bathroom door, sees Harmony, and also hears the very end of her speech. She shrieks and runs away.
HARMONY: Wait! Tell me what's wrong!
She chases the woman down the hallway, causing a slight panic as several other people also turn and run before her. PAIGE appears and calls out.
PAIGE: Harmony! Stop!
Harmony halts and turns to Paige.
HARMONY: What is going on in this place? Why is everyone screaming and running away from me?
PAIGE: You have blood around your mouth.
HARMONY: Oh, that? It isn't even human. It's hard to be a neat eater when you can't see your own reflection.
PAIGE: Clean it off and you should be all right.
HARMONY: Thanks, Paige. You know, I've been working with most of these people for months, but not one of them said a word to help me. I've known you for less than a day, and you've been so terrific. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was just looking for you so I could give you those photos you asked for.
Paige accepts the photos.
PAIGE: Thank you, Harmony. I appreciate these more than I can say.
She flips through them, showing little interest in any until she finds the one of Spike. Here, she stops and stares at the picture with a frown.
###########
GROCERY STORE
LORNE, dressed in a trenchcoat and with a hat pulled low to hide as much of his face as possible, stands near the entrance with a grocery cart. He looks right, left, right again. He starts walking, stops, turns the cart around, and stops again.
LORNE: (sings)
"I'm so confused; don't know which way to turn.
Choices everywhere I look, too much to decide.
All of this fat; how do I make it burn?
This is what happens when fun and work collide."
Busy shoppers with heaping carts dodge him. Lorne goes on:
"How many calories in a large loaf of rye bread?
Which is best: mozzarella, Swiss, or limburger cheese?
If I keep eating the wrong way, I know I'll end up dead.
Someone give me guidance now--help me, please!"
Lorne is really losing his cool. However, he takes a few deep breaths and calms himself, then resumes singing.
"Wait! Stop panicking! You know what course to take.
The Atkins diet will tell you just exactly what to do--
Simplify the choice between pecan pie and chocolate cake,
Create a new, thinner body just for you."
Many of the harried shoppers have stopped rushing around and instead are listening to Lorne sing. They begin to nod and smile as he continues:
"It's not so hard, all this carbohydrate counting.
Just read the packaging on pork, milk, and ice cream.
Very quickly, I promise, your weight will stop mounting
And soon after that, you'll realize your fondest dream."
Lorne heads down the aisles, grabbing Atkins-approved items and tossing them in his cart. Behind him, several dozen other shoppers discard their old carts full of junk food, grab new carts, and follow Lorne's lead, buying the same products he is selecting. Lorne finishes up his song:
"You can go out every day and jog for miles,
Or take the easier route to melt off pounds.
Don't be intimidated in the grocery aisles:
Swear by Dr. Atkins and lose weight in leaps and bounds!"
The other customers give Lorne an ovation. He smiles and bows.
###########
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, KATHY, and CONNOR are gathered in the room. Lindsey is wearing pants but no shirt. Connor is fully dressed. (Slip in a QUICK SHOT of a photo of him shirtless.) Kathy is wearing the catsuit and recapping the events of the previous night to Lindsey.
KATHY: So Connor and I made a great team! We killed probably 18 vampires and several other demons, as well. The only problem was, we found a new enemy. When I was fighting a vampire, this woman popped up and staked it. Connor said the woman is a friend of Angel's.
CONNOR: Gwen Raiden. I didn't even know she was in town.
LINDSEY: Is she going to cause trouble for us?
CONNOR: I hope not. She left right away when Aunt Kathy told her to go.
KATHY: But there's still so much I don't know about Angel, and it's very frustrating. I wouldn't have had a clue about that woman being his friend if Connor hadn't told me.
LINDSEY: You want to know all you can about Angel? I have some stories for you, then. Pull up a chair and listen in for the unvarnished truth.
Eagerly, Kathy and Connor draw closer to him.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
WESLEY stares at FRED in complete shock.
WESLEY: What do you mean, you plan to run for mayor of Los Angeles?
FRED: It's the best way to make a difference. Just think of how many people I'll be able to reach. It's incredible!
WESLEY: It's a joke. Right?
FRED: No, I'm serious. Before I was sent to Pylea, I had political ambitions I was never able to realize because of my horrifying captivity. However, they remained within me, even if they were dormant. When I returned to this dimension, I was a damaged person and uninterested in resurrecting those very public ambitions. Now, though, I am recovered. You know I want to help people. It's my purpose in life.
WESLEY: I thought your purpose was to be my wife.
FRED: How sexist is that? Especially when we both know I'm smarter than you are. (She suddenly realizes what she just said and claps a hand over her mouth.)
WESLEY: Oh, is that how you really feel about me?
FRED: I didn't mean it! I mean, yes, I did, because to be completely honest, I am smarter than you, but it's rude to say so and I never would have if you hadn't been behaving like a jerk, and I just insulted you again, didn't I? Or is it an insult if it's true? You were sexist and insensitive and rude, and maybe I'm being rude now, but you started it! All I wanted to do was run for mayor and help the citizens of Los Angeles. That's all. And here you are, acting like I want to commit some terrible crime!
WESLEY: And here you are, acting like I'm inferior to you. Do you think that isn't insulting?
FRED: Right now I don't care!
WESLEY: Well, neither do I! I don't even want to marry you now!
FRED: Who said I ever wanted to marry you?
WESLEY: Fine!
FRED: Fine!
WESLEY: I'll come to your place later to collect my things! We're over!
Wesley turns and storms out of the lab. As he stomps off, three of the ring boxes fall out of his pocket. He keeps going and slams the door behind himself. Fred picks up the boxes and opens them. Tears form in her eyes when she sees the rings inside.
FRED: He came here to propose to me and it all went so wrong. But I couldn't let him push me around. I have to stand firm. Only, I still love him so much. Why does life have to be so complicated?
She stands there in the lab, alone and confused and sad.
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - KITCHEN
LORNE enters with a load of groceries. Several Wolfram & Hart EMPLOYEES follow him with the remainder of his purchases. They set the bags on the kitchen counter and leave. Lorne opens his refrigerator door. The inside is crammed with unhealthy foods that are not Atkins-approved. Lorne grabs a garbage bag and shoves the whole lot of junk in it. Then he carefully begins to unload his new food and neatly arranges the items in the refrigerator in perfect rows and categories. When he is done, he smiles, satisfied.
LORNE: It was worth calling in sick to work today after all!
Then he opens his freezer and groans at the sight of all the crap inside it.
LORNE: And I still have to clean out the cupboards, too! Well, nothing worth doing is ever easy. For one's body is a temple, the majesty of which must be maintained.
He sets to work cleaning out the freezer.
###########
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
(NOTE: Throughout this scene, the Michelle Branch song "Leap of Faith" plays.)
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are gathered. Lindsey is still telling tales of the horrors Angel has perpetrated. At this point, though, he is just about done.
LINDSEY: And then he went "CHOP!" and off flew my poor hand in a spray of blood!
Connor and Kathy make a very good audience. They gasp and make gestures of sympathy.
LINDSEY: Of course, I've done my best to move on since that time. It hasn't been easy. No, not at all. But we all must do what we must do. And although revenge tends to be an ugly word, in some cases it simply is necessary.
Kathy and Connor nod.
KATHY: Lindsey, I'm so glad I met you and decided to put my trust in you. That may be the smartest thing I've done in many decades.
CONNOR: Hey! What about trusting me?
KATHY: You too, Connor, of course. Together, I think we make an unbeatable team. As long as we continue to trust each other, because you don't want to know what happens to people who betray me.
LINDSEY: That will never happen. We share a goal and we won't stop until we achieve it. I couldn't not trust you. Either of you. We're a team.
Kathy, Lindsey, and Connor smile at each other.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
PAIGE is alone inside. Nevertheless, she looks around the room to make sure she is absolutely without company. Then she looks down at her desk, where a photo of present-day SPIKE lies. This is the one Harmony gave her. She stares at the photo, examining it with great care. Next, she reaches into her purse and pulls out an old locket. She opens it and slides out the fake back to reveal a small picture. This picture looks extremely old. The subject is familiar. It is WILLIAM, circa 1880. Paige places it next to the photo of Spike. The resemblance is clear. She studies the two pictures and nods.
PAIGE: Exactly as I thought. Wait until you get back from San Francisco. Then, Uncle William, you will finally meet your great-great-great-great niece. I can't wait to see what you think of me.
###########
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is vacuuming the floor, sucking up copious amounts of white dog hair. LUCKY lies on the couch, panting and watching him. Lucky sheds quite a bit. Even as he lies there, fur seems to float off of him and litter the room. It is even on Gunn's clothing. He frowns and removes his shirt, then resumes vacuuming, shirtless. The doorbell rings. Lucky barks; Gunn stops vacuuming and goes to open the door. He sees a pleasant-looking Chinese couple in their mid-20s standing in the hallway.
GUNN: Hi. What can I do for you?
WOMAN: We are here to collect our nieces. (She holds up some legal-looking papers.) Please return them to us at once.
GUNN: What? You want to take Tia and Mia away?
MAN: If that's what you call them. They're my brother's children. I watched you in the park with them today and I recognized them.
GUNN: You can't have them! They belong with me and I won't give them up!
Behind him, Lucky barks in support.
###########
FRED'S PENTHOUSE
(NOTE: The John Mayer song "Why Did You Mess With Forever" plays throughout this scene.)
WESLEY is moving about the apartment with a cardboard box, picking up his possessions and packing them away. The song plays:
"I came by to get my things
Thank you for gettin' the door
But I don't feel right walkin' in no more
You think it's cold
I did my cryin' at home
But I'm numb now
I'm numb now"
Sadly, Fred watches from the doorway as Wesley grabs a paperweight, a folder, a book, and tucks them away. Song goes on:
"I'm on my way
I've one more thing to ask
Was it worth the price you paid
For my never comin' back"
Wesley collects the last few items and goes to leave. He pauses and looks at Fred. Song:
"Why did you mess with forever
Such a long time to be unkind
Why did you mess with forever"
Then Wesley turns and walks out the door. He is gone.
"Why did you mess with forever"
FADEOUT
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Beyonce, the Cheetah Girls, Michelle Branch, and John Mayer.
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"The Revolt"
The first three episodes had all been taped and shipped off to every major television critic in the country for early critiquing. The initial episode was set to air nationally in just two nights. The ratings for this one were crucial. If they were especially good, the chances of a reprieve from cancellation increased. If they were low, the show's fate looked just as dismal as before.
Once again, Gunn, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Fred, Lorne, Lindsey, Gwen, Connor, Paige, and Kathy convened in the office. Today Lorne was holding a sheaf of papers. "I had Harmony compile all of our advance reviews so we can see which way the wind blows. Everyone, start reading." He doled out the articles to all except Paige, Gwen, Kathy, and Connor, who were too busy gossiping to pay any attention to him. For a few moments there was silence as the others scanned the reviews. Then the reports came in.
"'USA Today' gives us a half-star out of four," Spike began.
"'The ridiculous Mary Sue named Paige is the stupidest new character of the year,'" Angel quoted.
"'People' trashes the 'bizarre baby storyline' and says we're now 'the worst show on the WB, hands down,'" Gunn recited.
"'The deus ex machina time-travel plot device is only the beginning of the travesty,'" Lindsey continued.
"'Variety' calls our stories 'regurgitated swill,'" Wesley said.
"And according to 'Entertainment Weekly,' 'ANGEL has undergone perhaps the most disastrous makeover in TV history,'" Fred concluded.
Angel put his head in his hands. "They hate us. They absolutely hate us."
"Knew it," Spike said with a nod. "What with Lorne in charge an' all."
"Yes, Lorne, what do you have to say about this turn of events?" Wesley challenged.
They all looked at their self-appointed writer, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Listen to this, gang! 'TV Guide's' Matt Roush, who's been one of our biggest supporters, devoted a whole column to the show. Here's the best part: 'The formerly original, near-genius plotting has been replaced by dull stodginess, out-of-character twists, and banal dialogue. It's hard to single out just one, but perhaps the lousiest addition is the atrocious laugh track, which gives new meaning to the term "unfunny" even as it offends the discerning ear. Goodbye, ANGEL: We won't miss you after all.'" Lorne leaped up and performed an impromptu dance around the room, clutching the crumpled reviews in one upraised fist. "Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! Ha! Yes!"
Bemused, Fred, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Lindsey, and Angel exchanged glances. "Why are you so happy, Lorne?" Fred questioned. "You're acting like you wanted bad reviews."
Lorne collapsed into his chair, still smiling. "Of course we wanted negative reviews, sugar plum. It's publicity gold. Good reviews never helped us and no one pays attention to mediocre ones. Now we're practically guaranteed increased viewership. People'll want to see the train wreck."
"Or hide their eyes," Gunn muttered.
"Wait until the ratings roll in," Lorne said confidently. "Now, back to business. Script number four is in the works and it'll land in your eager little hands very soon. Spike, Angel, I have a treat for you fellas. A non-angsty story, just for you. It will warm the hearts of the audience and amuse them. Spike, initially you have trouble fully relaxing and you find yourself unable to purr. Then you--"
Spike sat bolt upright. "Hold up. What's this about purring?"
"You know how vampires purr when they're especially happy or contented."
"No, we don't," Angel blurted.
"Yes, you do," Lorne insisted.
"I don't purr," Spike said flatly.
"Maybe you just never had a reason to before."
"If I didn't do it when Buffy let me use the handcuffs on her, I'm not doin' it just because I'm with Angel now," Spike maintained.
Lorne stared hard at him and then dropped the argument. "Okay, Angel, I'm even more excited about your story. It's very timely, and will allow many of our viewers to identify with you, despite the fact that you are a vampire. We're going to humanize you and bring you to their level. You, my friend, are going on a low-carb diet."
"A diet," Angel repeated.
"Sure thing. The Atkins diet is hot right now, so we're climbing on the bandwagon."
Spike and Angel quickly held a whispered conference. When they emerged from it, neither looked happy. "I'm not a cat, and I don't purr," Spike reiterated.
"And I refuse to go on a low-carb diet," stated Angel.
"We're on strike," they said in unison.
Lorne looked from one to the other. "You can't refuse to perform your scenes."
"Yeah?" Angel retorted. "Well, I think we can. Until we get a suitable rewrite, we're out of here."
"We're the most popular characters on the show," Spike added. "You can't do it without us."
"Oh, yes, I can," Lorne said grimly. "You two want to strike? Fine. I'll revise the script and write you both out of this episode."
Spike and Angel stood up, presenting a united front. "We'll be waiting for our new scripts with decent storylines," Angel announced. Together he and Spike stalked out of the room. The door slammed behind them.
In their wake, Lorne was breathing hard. "Fine. Fine. We can work past this. I just need to regroup." He sat still for a few moments, catching his breath and thinking with his brow furrowed. No one dared disturb his intense concentration. Then he announced, "Here's what we're going to do. We'll add a few lines to the script to explain the sudden absences of Angel and Spike. Turns out they went to San Francisco to picket in support of gay marriages. As for Angel's diet story, that one's too good to waste. Low-carb diets are all the rage right now and we need to cash in on the craze. You could label bags of dog crap 'low-carb' and people would line up around the block to buy 'em. Someone else from the show needs to go on the diet." He looked around the table; everyone else was looking pointedly back at him. "Oh, yeah. I guess no one else around here can afford to lose any weight. It's gotta be me. Fine. I'll take over Angel's story and go on the diet. We'll put the purring plot on hold for the moment. I think that covers all the problem areas."
"I get some more great action sequences, don't I?" Gwen piped up.
"You sure do!" Lorne said, beaming at this show of enthusiasm. "As for the rest of you guys, Gunn continues with the babies and the puppy but trouble lurks on the horizon, Paige's big secret is revealed, Lindsey and Kathy grow closer, Connor launches a fiendish plot, and Fred's revived political ambitions strain her relationship with Wesley."
"I don't have political ambitions!" Fred objected.
"You do now, sweet cheeks. You want to run for mayor of Los Angeles."
"The mayoral election isn't even held until next year," Wesley pointed out.
"So we accelerated the timetable a tad," Lorne admitted. "Call it dramatic license and go with it."
Fred considered. "Actually, that's no more unbelievable than most of the other stuff we've been doing."
"Yeah," Gunn said with a sigh. "We made some real breakthroughs today. Like, Angel and Spike finally found a subject they can agree on. Does anyone know if blood even has carbs?"
An awkward silence ensued. Finally, Fred spoke up. "To be perfectly honest, I don't blame poor Spike for not liking his story. Purring vampires only appear in really cheesy fan-fiction scenes written by authors who think it's cute."
Lorne countered, "Yes, and have you ever noticed how many readers those pieces of fanfic attract? Those stories don't have to be good, and neither do we. We just need to get people to watch. Speaking of which, I've been brainstorming to come up with a catchy slogan for our new approach. We want to siphon away viewers from shows that air on other networks in our time slot, which means we have to do what they do, only in a more entertaining way. Here's the catchphrase I came up with, encompassing the competing shows from CBS, NBC, Fox, and ABC: 'More laughs than "The King of Queens!" More politics than "The West Wing!" More fights than "The O.C.!" More nudity than "The Bachelor!" More vampires than anyone!'"
"You forgot to include the UPN programming," Lindsey pointed out.
"Nah, even if only by default, we've got to be better than anything they air against us. When your flagship show is 'Enterprise,' you know your network's in trouble."
"Oh!" Fred exclaimed. "You mentioned politics and 'The West Wing.' Is that how you came up with the idea of me running for mayor?"
"Sure is," Lorne confirmed. "We're going to steal viewers from 'The West Wing' by launching our own thrilling politic story in this contentious election year."
"Why is Fred stuck being your guinea pig?" Gunn demanded.
Lorne stared at him. "Are you volunteering to take her place?"
Gunn quickly shook his head. "I have enough going on with the babies and the dog and Gwen. I was thinking you could give the political story to Lindsey or Paige."
"It stays with Fred," Lorne insisted. "We need to drive a wedge between her and Wesley, and this plot is our tool."
"Thanks for trying anyway," Fred whispered to Gunn.
"I heard that," said Lorne. "But I'll forgive you. We have to stick together, as much as possible. We still have time to prove we belong on the air, and we're going to do it. Even if it means Fred running for mayor, Gunn raising babies, and Kathy being alive."
Reminded of their goal, the others nodded and went to work with renewed determination. Even if it did mean that Fred had to develop political ambitions from out of thin air.
***
This is the awful script Lorne wrote for the fourth of the six episodes the show has left. Since Angel and Spike had to be written out at the last minute, several scenes were hastily added or revised and may make even less sense than usual.
EPISODE: "The Low-Carb Diet"
(NOTE: Laugh track is to go off at irregular intervals, approximately three times each minute.)
TEASER
Used-car lot: rows and rows and rows of vehicles of all descriptions. Different makes and models, colors, shapes, sizes, prices, etc.
Interior of drugstore: aisles of products with various kinds of packaging, colors, brands, sizes, etc.
Restaurant menu with dozens of options, portion sizes, prices, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
This crazy world of ours is so confusing, with so many choices to make. How do we know which ones are right and which ones will lead us on a path of doom and destruction, and ever-mounting problems? Sometimes, we have to find guidance from outside and trust that others will be so generous as to help us. Have faith in the inherent goodness of people. Sometimes you'll be surprised and impressed when you do.
FADE IN.
SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES - ALLEY
Night. A 20-something MAN cowers on the ground. Blood is dripping from the fresh fang marks on his neck. Three more men of about the same age are lying on the ground next to him with similar wounds. Sounds of fighting nearby. We see KATHY, dressed in her trademark catsuit (this one bright yellow), battling a gang of four burly VAMPIRES. She kicks one in the crotch, stakes another with a fingernail file, twists the next one's head off, and punches the last one so hard it sails down the alley. GWEN, dressed in a very short skirt and wearing high heels, runs over and stakes that vampire. Kathy finishes off the first one. Now all the vampires are dust. Kathy and Gwen look at each other.
KATHY: Thanks for the help, but I didn't need it. I had everything under control.
GWEN: Just wanted to make sure that last vamp didn't have a chance to escape. I won't bother you again.
Gwen turns and walks away.
KATHY: Who was that, and how does she know about vampires?
The injured men begin to stir. Kathy turns to them.
KATHY: You guys should know better than to be walking around at night alone. It isn't safe unless you can handle yourselves in a fight.
CONNOR runs down the alley toward her.
CONNOR: Wow, Aunt Kathy, you did a great job!
KATHY: Thanks, Connor. By the way, did you see that woman who showed up and staked one of the vampires?
CONNOR: Yeah. Her name is Gwen Raiden. My dad knows her. They've worked together a few times.
KATHY: She's another enemy, then. We'll have to keep an eye on her. Meanwhile, let's get these men home. We can discuss our plans for Angel after that.
Connor and Kathy go to help the four injured men.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
FRED is hard at work. PAIGE, wearing a leotard as always, is assisting her. Today her leotard is tan.
FRED: Paige, you've only been here a short time and you've caught on to things so quickly. I'm impressed with you. You're a great employee.
PAIGE: I always say that you are only as good as the people who instruct you. You're an excellent supervisor, Fred.
FRED: Stop, you're making me blush. You're so efficient, I feel guilty for hogging you. I wonder if one of the others could use your help. I'd send you to Angel to see, but he and Spike aren't in the office today. Now that they both have Gems of Amara and can be out in sunlight without burning up, they went to San Francisco to participate in a picket line.
PAIGE: You know that I'm happy to do anything you need at any time. That's what I'm here for. No job is too big or too small.
FRED: If you're serious, I have some really important papers that need to be signed. Can you take them to Harmony, Angel's secretary? She'll make sure he sees them when he gets back.
Paige nods and smiles. Fred hands the papers to her.
PAIGE: I'll take care of this right away.
Paige leaves the lab. WESLEY enters a moment later. He is fidgeting and won't look Fred in the eye. For some reason, he is extremely nervous.
FRED: Hey! Is something wrong?
WESLEY: No, not exactly. I wouldn't use the wrong "wrong." I just have something quite important to do. I'll be out of the office for some time today.
FRED: Okay. Let me know when you get back.
WESLEY: Oh, I certainly will. Have no doubts on that front.
Wesley kisses Fred and then leaves. Fred stares after him for a moment.
FRED: That was weird. (She shrugs.) I guess he'll tell me all about it later.
She goes over to her desk. A newspaper lies atop it. Fred is about to throw it away when she notices the headline: "Race for Mayor of Los Angeles is Wide Open."
FRED: We have so many problems in this city. I hope the candidates plan to solve them in a realistic, fair manner and not just sweep them under the rug. (She scans the article and frowns, not liking what she is reading.) This isn't right! These candidates will just make everything worse! We need someone who wants to make things better. (She reads some more and then throws down the paper in disgust.) Someone with good intentions has to enter this race. Someone like....
An idea strikes Fred.
FRED: *I'm* going to run for mayor!
###########
THE PARK
GUNN is pushing a double stroller with TIA and MIA inside. They are happily observing the other people in the park and appear to be having a great time. Gunn is also holding LUCKY's leash. Lucky is trotting along at his side, looking around much like the girls are doing. Gunn frowns and glances over his shoulder, scanning his surroundings. He feels like he is being watched, though he cannot figure out who is doing the watching. While he is distracted, Lucky makes a break for freedom. The leash slips out of Gunn's hand and Lucky is racing away across the park, barking madly.
GUNN: Lucky! Come back! Lucky!
The dog ignores him and continues its wild dash, jumping over a group of picnickers, dodging another dog, ducking around a crowd of children, and rocketing onward. Gunn, still pushing the stroller, begins to walk faster in pursuit of Lucky, but is careful not to alarm the babies.
GUNN: Don't you worry, girls. We'll find Lucky. He just wanted to go exploring. He's curious about the world around him. Curiosity is a good thing, usually, but not in the case of a disobedient dog who doesn't know the price he might pay for running off. He could be hit by a car, or stolen, or just plain lost forever, wandering lonely and unwanted throughout the back alleys, living off of rotten scraps of food and rat carcasses. What a wretched life for any dog.
Gunn picks up his pace a bit more.
CUT TO: Lucky, dashing away. He doesn't seem about to stop for anything. A very busy street lies ahead with cars racing back and forth across it. If Lucky doesn't stop, he is almost certain to be struck and killed. Just as he is about to start across the street, a foot steps down on the end of his leash and brings him to an abrupt halt, saving him.
CUT TO: Gunn, still following the path Lucky took. He has lost sight of the dog and isn't sure quite where to look. He turns his head back and forth, scanning the area. Then he spots Lucky, tied to a bicycle rack near the street. He pushes the stroller over there as quickly as he can.
GUNN: Lucky, who tied you here? I mean, if you didn't do it yourself. But then, if you were capable of doing that, you would have just come back to me in the first place. It was the only sensible thing to do. Oh, well. At least you're safe. I'll have to keep a tighter hold on you from now on.
He unties Lucky, gets a good grip on the leash, and turns around to go home.
CUT TO: a nearby bush with EYES gleaming from behind it. Someone is hiding, watching Gunn.
###########
JEWELRY STORE
WESLEY is pacing around, looking at the cases of rings and other jewelry in total confusion. He clearly doesn't know what to do. A middle-aged male clerk is attempting to help him.
CLERK: What sort of item are you looking for? Something for a special occasion?
WESLEY: An engagement ring. I would like to propose to my girlfriend.
CLERK: Something very special, then. What sort of ring do you want?
WESLEY: What does she like? I don't know. I'm so nervous I can't think. She might like that one there. (points to diamond) Or that one. (indicates another gem) Or possibly that one as well. (picks a third stone) Oh, I don't know! I don't want to ask her because it's supposed to be a surprise, but I don't know what to choose on my own, either.
CLERK: Maybe if you--
WESLEY: (interrupts) If I make the wrong choice, she might say "No." Wait--it's Fred I'm talking about. She wouldn't do that, would she? Or would she? Is Fred that sort of person? I can't even remember. I'd better play it safe and make sure I pick something she'll like. Then I don't have to worry about the possibility of rejection. Only what might she like? I see so many possibilities. (He scans the selection and then decides.) I know! I'll play it extremely safe and take these 10 here. (He points to the rings he wants.) That way, if I show her the first ring and can tell she doesn't like it, I can laugh and tell her that one was a joke and the real ring is still in my pocket. I will then pull out the next ring in line and repeat the process, as many times as necessary. I only hope I don't have to cycle through all 10. That might become a bit awkward and embarrassing.
CLERK: You want 10 rings? Seriously?
WESLEY: That is what I said, isn't it? You can put them on my Wolfram & Hart credit card. I trust you give refunds because tomorrow, I will be bringing back nine inferior rings.
He hands over his credit card; the clerk looks at him like he's crazy but accepts it and rings up the purchases.
###########
STREETS OF LOS ANGELES
Music montage. The Cheetah Girls' "Girl Power" plays as shots of GWEN and KATHY separately fighting evil are shown.
Kathy slaughters a purple monster and demolishes an entire demon bar.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
Gwen tackles a mugger and stops a carjacking.
"I made mistakes before but I know I'm not perfect
It's okay 'cause who could ever be
As long as I give my best
It don't matter what no one says
'cause down in my heart I got the power to make it all happen"
Kathy raids a nest of sewer-dwelling vampires and lights it on fire, then laughs as the vampires burn.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up, never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
Gwen attacks a man who knocked over a little old lady, and also reports a domestic dispute to the police.
"Sometimes life may get you down
But you better hold your ground
Nobody can live your life but you
Stay true to who you are
And always follow your heart
Your heart, your heart"
Kathy buries a three-headed beast alive and hacks another one to pieces with an ax.
"Put your hands up if you know that you're a star
You better stand up if you know just who you are
Never give up never stay down
Girl Power, Girl Power!"
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
LORNE has just taken a shower. He emerges from the bathroom wearing a robe and walks over to his bed, where he has placed the clothes he wants to wear today. He begins to get dressed but soon encounters problems. He has to struggle mightily to tug his pants on and when he fastens them, his belly bulges over the top of the pants. Then, when he puts on his shirt, he strains to do the buttons up. He sucks in his stomach and manages to fasten the buttons by holding his breath throughout the process, but when he does finally exhale, all the buttons pop off his shirt and go sailing around the room like projectile missiles. (ADD APPROPRIATE SOUND EFFECTS.) One button lands in Lorne's aquarium and narrowly misses beheading a fish. Another ends up in his coffee cup, etc. Lorne stares down at the wreckage of his expensive clothing.
LORNE: My clothes shrank! What idiot did my laundry last time? (He thinks, then comes to a realization.) Oh! That idiot would be me. Well, I know I didn't shrink my own clothing. I'm very careful when it comes to doing laundry. I always measure precisely the correct amount of detergent to use, and I never over-bleach. Also, the temperature setting is very important. Since I couldn't have been at fault, what could possibly have gone wrong? (He thinks again.) There's only one possible explanation--when the laundry gnome came to steal one sock from each pair being washed, he also exchanged all of my clothes for smaller sizes. Damn that gnome! In that case, the only thing I can do is wear a different outfit today.
Lorne strides over to his closet, selects new clothing, and again gets dressed. Same results as last time. The stuff just doesn't fit. Now Lorne is really starting to get aggravated.
LORNE: Did that gnome steal *all* of my clothing? This just isn't right! No, it isn't. Well, I'm not going to give up just because some evil gnome has targeted me. If I have to try on every single piece of clothing I own before I find one that fits, I'll do it! Even if it's just a thong.
With a determined expression on his face, Lorne heads back to the closet.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - HARMONY'S DESK
Holding the papers Fred gave her to deliver, PAIGE walks over to the desk. HARMONY is trying on lipstick. She looks up as Paige arrives.
HARMONY: Can I help you? Or is it "May I help you?" I can never remember the difference. Do you think it's important? Since I'm the big guy's secretary, I should be as official as possible. Oh, and by "big guy," I don't mean God. I've never met God. I mean Angel. Except he's kind of like the god of this place, you know.
Paige does not appear to be at all put out by Harmony's inane ramble. Rather, she accepts it with beautiful grace and smiles sweetly before speaking.
PAIGE: I have some papers for you. (She hands them over.), Also, if it wouldn't be any trouble, I was wondering if you might be able to help me or perhaps direct me to someone who can. I'm planning to put together a promotional brochure for Wolfram & Hart, and I need employee photos. Particularly those of the most important employees, such as Angel, Mr. Wyndam-Pryce, Mr. Gunn, and of course Spike. I still haven't met any of them.
HARMONY: Spike, huh? He's kind of a creep. He's not even nice to me anymore, and after all we've been through together! I could tell you stories about him.
PAIGE: Please do.
She settles down next to Harmony for a chat.
###########
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GWEN and GUNN are talking. LUCKY is lying on his side in the corner, looking adorable as he sleeps.
GWEN: The girl I watched last night in the alley was an incredible fighter. I've hardly ever seen anyone move that quickly and efficiently. Since she was battling vampires, she must be on our side, only she was rude when I helped her.
GUNN: Some people just prefer to do things on their own.
GWEN: She had a real chip on her shoulder. It's a shame, because she could really fight. I wonder who she was. We could use her help at Wolfram & Hart.
GUNN: If she stays in town and keeps killing vamps, she'll get a rep and we'll find out sooner or later.
GWEN: I guess so. I just wish I knew now. I don't like feeling uninformed.
GUNN: That's understandable, but you shouldn't worry too much. Think about the positives in your life.
GWEN: I wish I had as many as you do. Basically, I just have your friendship and my job at Wolfram & Hart. Now that you have Tia and Mia, and even Lucky, you have so much to live for.
GUNN: Tell me about it. I can hardly remember what my life was like before the girls came into it. And Lucky's great too, even though he gave me a scare today by running off. I guess he was just so excited to be outdoors, he couldn't restrain himself. I wish I knew who caught him and tied him up for me, though. I'd like to thank that person. Every year, many pets are struck and injured or killed by vehicles. It would have been awful if Lucky had become just another statistic.
GWEN: Maybe you'll find out who helped. When you go back to the park, that person might come up and talk to you when you least expect it.
GUNN: Yeah, maybe. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy my great new life and count my blessings. You never know when things might end.
OMINOUS MUSIC swells.
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
LORNE has just tried on the last item of clothing he possesses. It, too, did not fit. Wearing his robe again, he slumps onto the bed, head in hands, downcast.
LORNE: I have to face the very real possibility that perhaps the laundry gnome isn't responsible for this disaster. Maybe the real answer lies elsewhere. I don't want to do this, but I suppose a demon's gotta do what a demon's gotta do.
Lorne slowly stands up and walks into the bathroom. A scale is in the corner. Lorne hesitates, then squares his shoulders and steps onto the scale. He looks at the reading and his eyes widen comically.
LORNE: No, no, that can't be right.
He steps off the scale and then steps back on and checks the results again. They are the same. He steps off, sheds the robe, and gets on one more time. Still no difference in the read-out. Lorne jumps off the scale and races back into his bedroom. There, he frantically digs around until he locates a tape measure.
LORNE: Aha! Now we will discover the truth! My clothes were exchanged and my scale is broken, but a tape measure is infallible!
He pulls the tape out and around his waist, then checks the results. Again, his eyes widen. He re-measures and is finally forced to admit the truth.
LORNE: Holy cow! I'm fat! How'd that happen? Noo!
Lorne is so upset, he runs around the room in ever-widening circles until he smacks straight into a wall and bounces off it.
LORNE: Owww!
He rubs his head and gingerly feels his horns to make sure they are undamaged. When he finds that they are all right, if a bit tender, he goes back to the bed and sits down again.
LORNE: I have to admit the truth. I need to go on a diet. But I've never been able to stick to one in the past. They're all so restrictive and difficult to follow. Whatever shall I do?
He glances around the room and happens to notice a newspaper lying on the other side of the bed. The headline reads: "The Miraculous Atkins Diet: Right for You?"
LORNE: Atkins? I wonder. Could it be?
He picks up the newspaper and begins to read the article.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
(NOTE: Throughout this scene, the Beyonce song "Be With You" plays in the background.)
WESLEY walks into the lab and sees FRED reading the newspaper. Wesley stops and nervously pats his suit pocket, which is bulging with ring boxes. All 10 are crammed inside. He walks over to Fred, who doesn't notice him. She is very absorbed in the newspaper. Wesley clears his throat. Fred jumps and drops the paper. Now she sees Wesley.
WESLEY: Fred, I have something very important to discuss with you. It will affect our entire future.
Fred's eyes widen and she snatches up the newspaper.
FRED: You can't mean what I think you mean.
WESLEY: You've guessed what I'm talking about?
FRED: Yes! It's been on my mind all morning.
WESLEY: (smiles) Well, in that case, Fred, let me just accelerate matters a bit. (He starts to go down on one knee in front of her.)
FRED: (waves the newspaper in excitement and almost hits Wesley in the face) You agree that I should run for mayor? That's great! Your support means so much to me, Wesley!
WESLEY: (frozen halfway to the ground) Mayor? What are you talking about?
FRED: You just said you knew. The mayoral election coming up next month. I'm going to run for mayor of Los Angeles and then I can really make a difference in people's lives!
Wesley falls over in shock.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR
HARMONY is walking along, holding several photos. The audience can see that her mouth is stained with red, but Harmony obviously has no idea. As she walks, everyone she passes turns and stares at her. Some people look disgusted, while others seem fearful. Harmony stops at the nearest bathroom to check her reflection and figure out why people are reacting so strangely. She looks in the mirror and of course sees no reflection. She laughs.
HARMONY: Silly me! I'm a vampire so I don't reflect. That is really sooo inconvenient, especially at a time like this one. I have no idea why all these folks who also work here suddenly are looking at me like I'm a monster. Except I guess I kind of am a monster, being a vampire, but since I'm a dry vampire, and they should know that, what's the problem? It's not like I'm going to run over and rip their throats out, is it?
A woman opens the bathroom door, sees Harmony, and also hears the very end of her speech. She shrieks and runs away.
HARMONY: Wait! Tell me what's wrong!
She chases the woman down the hallway, causing a slight panic as several other people also turn and run before her. PAIGE appears and calls out.
PAIGE: Harmony! Stop!
Harmony halts and turns to Paige.
HARMONY: What is going on in this place? Why is everyone screaming and running away from me?
PAIGE: You have blood around your mouth.
HARMONY: Oh, that? It isn't even human. It's hard to be a neat eater when you can't see your own reflection.
PAIGE: Clean it off and you should be all right.
HARMONY: Thanks, Paige. You know, I've been working with most of these people for months, but not one of them said a word to help me. I've known you for less than a day, and you've been so terrific. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was just looking for you so I could give you those photos you asked for.
Paige accepts the photos.
PAIGE: Thank you, Harmony. I appreciate these more than I can say.
She flips through them, showing little interest in any until she finds the one of Spike. Here, she stops and stares at the picture with a frown.
###########
GROCERY STORE
LORNE, dressed in a trenchcoat and with a hat pulled low to hide as much of his face as possible, stands near the entrance with a grocery cart. He looks right, left, right again. He starts walking, stops, turns the cart around, and stops again.
LORNE: (sings)
"I'm so confused; don't know which way to turn.
Choices everywhere I look, too much to decide.
All of this fat; how do I make it burn?
This is what happens when fun and work collide."
Busy shoppers with heaping carts dodge him. Lorne goes on:
"How many calories in a large loaf of rye bread?
Which is best: mozzarella, Swiss, or limburger cheese?
If I keep eating the wrong way, I know I'll end up dead.
Someone give me guidance now--help me, please!"
Lorne is really losing his cool. However, he takes a few deep breaths and calms himself, then resumes singing.
"Wait! Stop panicking! You know what course to take.
The Atkins diet will tell you just exactly what to do--
Simplify the choice between pecan pie and chocolate cake,
Create a new, thinner body just for you."
Many of the harried shoppers have stopped rushing around and instead are listening to Lorne sing. They begin to nod and smile as he continues:
"It's not so hard, all this carbohydrate counting.
Just read the packaging on pork, milk, and ice cream.
Very quickly, I promise, your weight will stop mounting
And soon after that, you'll realize your fondest dream."
Lorne heads down the aisles, grabbing Atkins-approved items and tossing them in his cart. Behind him, several dozen other shoppers discard their old carts full of junk food, grab new carts, and follow Lorne's lead, buying the same products he is selecting. Lorne finishes up his song:
"You can go out every day and jog for miles,
Or take the easier route to melt off pounds.
Don't be intimidated in the grocery aisles:
Swear by Dr. Atkins and lose weight in leaps and bounds!"
The other customers give Lorne an ovation. He smiles and bows.
###########
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, KATHY, and CONNOR are gathered in the room. Lindsey is wearing pants but no shirt. Connor is fully dressed. (Slip in a QUICK SHOT of a photo of him shirtless.) Kathy is wearing the catsuit and recapping the events of the previous night to Lindsey.
KATHY: So Connor and I made a great team! We killed probably 18 vampires and several other demons, as well. The only problem was, we found a new enemy. When I was fighting a vampire, this woman popped up and staked it. Connor said the woman is a friend of Angel's.
CONNOR: Gwen Raiden. I didn't even know she was in town.
LINDSEY: Is she going to cause trouble for us?
CONNOR: I hope not. She left right away when Aunt Kathy told her to go.
KATHY: But there's still so much I don't know about Angel, and it's very frustrating. I wouldn't have had a clue about that woman being his friend if Connor hadn't told me.
LINDSEY: You want to know all you can about Angel? I have some stories for you, then. Pull up a chair and listen in for the unvarnished truth.
Eagerly, Kathy and Connor draw closer to him.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
WESLEY stares at FRED in complete shock.
WESLEY: What do you mean, you plan to run for mayor of Los Angeles?
FRED: It's the best way to make a difference. Just think of how many people I'll be able to reach. It's incredible!
WESLEY: It's a joke. Right?
FRED: No, I'm serious. Before I was sent to Pylea, I had political ambitions I was never able to realize because of my horrifying captivity. However, they remained within me, even if they were dormant. When I returned to this dimension, I was a damaged person and uninterested in resurrecting those very public ambitions. Now, though, I am recovered. You know I want to help people. It's my purpose in life.
WESLEY: I thought your purpose was to be my wife.
FRED: How sexist is that? Especially when we both know I'm smarter than you are. (She suddenly realizes what she just said and claps a hand over her mouth.)
WESLEY: Oh, is that how you really feel about me?
FRED: I didn't mean it! I mean, yes, I did, because to be completely honest, I am smarter than you, but it's rude to say so and I never would have if you hadn't been behaving like a jerk, and I just insulted you again, didn't I? Or is it an insult if it's true? You were sexist and insensitive and rude, and maybe I'm being rude now, but you started it! All I wanted to do was run for mayor and help the citizens of Los Angeles. That's all. And here you are, acting like I want to commit some terrible crime!
WESLEY: And here you are, acting like I'm inferior to you. Do you think that isn't insulting?
FRED: Right now I don't care!
WESLEY: Well, neither do I! I don't even want to marry you now!
FRED: Who said I ever wanted to marry you?
WESLEY: Fine!
FRED: Fine!
WESLEY: I'll come to your place later to collect my things! We're over!
Wesley turns and storms out of the lab. As he stomps off, three of the ring boxes fall out of his pocket. He keeps going and slams the door behind himself. Fred picks up the boxes and opens them. Tears form in her eyes when she sees the rings inside.
FRED: He came here to propose to me and it all went so wrong. But I couldn't let him push me around. I have to stand firm. Only, I still love him so much. Why does life have to be so complicated?
She stands there in the lab, alone and confused and sad.
###########
LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - KITCHEN
LORNE enters with a load of groceries. Several Wolfram & Hart EMPLOYEES follow him with the remainder of his purchases. They set the bags on the kitchen counter and leave. Lorne opens his refrigerator door. The inside is crammed with unhealthy foods that are not Atkins-approved. Lorne grabs a garbage bag and shoves the whole lot of junk in it. Then he carefully begins to unload his new food and neatly arranges the items in the refrigerator in perfect rows and categories. When he is done, he smiles, satisfied.
LORNE: It was worth calling in sick to work today after all!
Then he opens his freezer and groans at the sight of all the crap inside it.
LORNE: And I still have to clean out the cupboards, too! Well, nothing worth doing is ever easy. For one's body is a temple, the majesty of which must be maintained.
He sets to work cleaning out the freezer.
###########
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
(NOTE: Throughout this scene, the Michelle Branch song "Leap of Faith" plays.)
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are gathered. Lindsey is still telling tales of the horrors Angel has perpetrated. At this point, though, he is just about done.
LINDSEY: And then he went "CHOP!" and off flew my poor hand in a spray of blood!
Connor and Kathy make a very good audience. They gasp and make gestures of sympathy.
LINDSEY: Of course, I've done my best to move on since that time. It hasn't been easy. No, not at all. But we all must do what we must do. And although revenge tends to be an ugly word, in some cases it simply is necessary.
Kathy and Connor nod.
KATHY: Lindsey, I'm so glad I met you and decided to put my trust in you. That may be the smartest thing I've done in many decades.
CONNOR: Hey! What about trusting me?
KATHY: You too, Connor, of course. Together, I think we make an unbeatable team. As long as we continue to trust each other, because you don't want to know what happens to people who betray me.
LINDSEY: That will never happen. We share a goal and we won't stop until we achieve it. I couldn't not trust you. Either of you. We're a team.
Kathy, Lindsey, and Connor smile at each other.
###########
WOLFRAM & HART - LAB
PAIGE is alone inside. Nevertheless, she looks around the room to make sure she is absolutely without company. Then she looks down at her desk, where a photo of present-day SPIKE lies. This is the one Harmony gave her. She stares at the photo, examining it with great care. Next, she reaches into her purse and pulls out an old locket. She opens it and slides out the fake back to reveal a small picture. This picture looks extremely old. The subject is familiar. It is WILLIAM, circa 1880. Paige places it next to the photo of Spike. The resemblance is clear. She studies the two pictures and nods.
PAIGE: Exactly as I thought. Wait until you get back from San Francisco. Then, Uncle William, you will finally meet your great-great-great-great niece. I can't wait to see what you think of me.
###########
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN is vacuuming the floor, sucking up copious amounts of white dog hair. LUCKY lies on the couch, panting and watching him. Lucky sheds quite a bit. Even as he lies there, fur seems to float off of him and litter the room. It is even on Gunn's clothing. He frowns and removes his shirt, then resumes vacuuming, shirtless. The doorbell rings. Lucky barks; Gunn stops vacuuming and goes to open the door. He sees a pleasant-looking Chinese couple in their mid-20s standing in the hallway.
GUNN: Hi. What can I do for you?
WOMAN: We are here to collect our nieces. (She holds up some legal-looking papers.) Please return them to us at once.
GUNN: What? You want to take Tia and Mia away?
MAN: If that's what you call them. They're my brother's children. I watched you in the park with them today and I recognized them.
GUNN: You can't have them! They belong with me and I won't give them up!
Behind him, Lucky barks in support.
###########
FRED'S PENTHOUSE
(NOTE: The John Mayer song "Why Did You Mess With Forever" plays throughout this scene.)
WESLEY is moving about the apartment with a cardboard box, picking up his possessions and packing them away. The song plays:
"I came by to get my things
Thank you for gettin' the door
But I don't feel right walkin' in no more
You think it's cold
I did my cryin' at home
But I'm numb now
I'm numb now"
Sadly, Fred watches from the doorway as Wesley grabs a paperweight, a folder, a book, and tucks them away. Song goes on:
"I'm on my way
I've one more thing to ask
Was it worth the price you paid
For my never comin' back"
Wesley collects the last few items and goes to leave. He pauses and looks at Fred. Song:
"Why did you mess with forever
Such a long time to be unkind
Why did you mess with forever"
Then Wesley turns and walks out the door. He is gone.
"Why did you mess with forever"
FADEOUT
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Beyonce, the Cheetah Girls, Michelle Branch, and John Mayer.
