Angel fic: Cancellation Notice 5/6
Apr. 17th, 2005 04:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ghost2TITLE: Cancellation Notice 5/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"Casting Coup"
Two days after the airing of the first "new" episode, Lorne called the next group meeting. He, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Connor, Paige, Lindsey, Kathy, and Gwen all showed up on time. Spike and Angel arrived a few minutes late, but the fact that they had come at all following their walkout was encouraging.
As usual, Lorne took the lead. The others looked on as he set up a TV and VCR at the front of the room, then turned to face them. "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is, our ratings for the first new episode were low. Don't panic, though. A lot of viewers didn't know we were coming back on and they didn't tune in. Next time we'll reel them in and get those numbers way up."
"And the good news?" Wesley prodded.
"Great news, I should have said. Buffy's coming back for our last two episodes! She'll appear briefly at the end of episode five and more extensively in the final one. To help set up her return, Spike starts thinking about his last moments with her back in Sunnydale, during the 'Buffy' finale. Here's how it happened." Lorne picked up the remote control, flicked on the TV, and pressed "play." The tape began.
"Hey! That's me right before my death!" Spike exclaimed, staring at the onscreen images.
"Shhh!" Angel hissed.
Everyone intently watched. The scene being shown featured Spike and Buffy with the Hellmouth falling apart around them. Spike was wearing the amulet as waves of light radiated out from it.
Buffy grabbed Spike and passionately kissed him. "I love you. I will always love you."
"And I'll always love you too, but you have to go now!" Spike cried. "Live! Live for both of us!"
The music swelled dramatically as Buffy and Spike stared into each other's faces one final time. Tears glistened in Buffy's eyes before she turned and ran to safety, leaving Spike to burn alone.
The scene ended.
"What the hell was that?" Spike yelled. "That's not how it played out!"
"We tweaked the scene a little," Lorne explained. "We had to. You'll understand why when you review the original version." He pressed "play" again and the tape resumed.
As before, Spike was wearing the amulet while light radiated from it. Buffy, holding his hand, looked at him and said softly, "I love you."
"No, you don't," Spike disagreed. "But thanks for saying it."
The tape stopped.
"See?" said Lorne. "Talk about flat and uninspiring. We had to fix things. Make it more dramatic as we gear up to showcase the epic love triangle of Angel, Buffy, and Spike. If Buffy doesn't really love Spike, we have no story. Hence, the very minor dramatic license we took."
"The fans are gonna be pissed off," Spike warned. "They know what happened in the original version of that scene."
Lorne shrugged. "Sure, they'll be pissed. Sure, they'll threaten to quit watching. But they won't do it. A little controversy will be good for the ratings. I guarantee it. By the way, who wants to see the next script?"
No one replied.
"Aw, come on," Lorne coaxed. "Anyone?"
Wesley spoke up. "We haven't even finished shooting the previous one yet. I think we were all looking forward to a bit of downtime in between."
"You'll get a month of downtime after we wrap up episode five," Lorne promised. "We're taking a vacation and then coming back all rested up and eager for the big finish. But to be able to do that, we need to get over this last hump." He flipped open his briefcase to reveal a pile of scripts, somewhat thinner than usual. "Who's first?" He grabbed the top script and offered it to Spike, who was nearest to him.
Spike didn't extend his hand. "No purring scenes in this one?"
"No purring," Lorne assured him.
Spike accepted the script. Once he had done so, the others all followed suit.
"What's with the episode title? 'Inner Children'?" Lindsey read.
"Bent on revenge against Angel and shaken after hearing a revelation from Lindsey, Kathy attempts to use dangerous magic and accidentally transforms most of the cast into their five-year-old selves," Lorne related. "Because who doesn't love seeing hordes of screaming, prank-pulling little kids running around like maniacs while the adults around them lose their heads?"
"Parents want to watch that on TV?" Fred said dubiously.
"Trust me--everyone wants to watch it," Lorne replied. "The important thing is that the misbehaving kids aren't their own and they can hit the mute button whenever they feel like it."
"This episode sounds an awful lot like that 'Spin the Bottle' one from last season," Gunn pointed out. "You know, the one where we were transformed into our 17-year-old selves."
"You're right," Angel agreed. "Have we actually been reduced to ripping ourselves off?"
"I prefer to say we're drawing inspiration from the greatness of our past," Lorne clarified.
Angel nodded. "What I thought--it's a ripoff."
"So the entire episode consists of us as a bunch of bratty children causing trouble?" Fred asked.
"Oh, no," Lorne protested. "Only about two-thirds of it. The rest is classic drama. Gunn's custody struggle, Buffy's return, Paige's confrontation with Spike, Wesley and Fred's big talk, and other good stuff."
Spike darted a suspicious look at Paige. "Why is she confronting me? Why is she even on the show?"
"Oh, that's right," Lorne recalled. "You didn't read all of the fourth script and you don't know her secret yet. Spike, meet your mortal great-great-great-great niece, Paige. And while we're at it, Connor, meet your new girlfriend."
"Huh?" Connor looked up from where he and Kathy were playing Hangman on the back of his script.
Spike opened his mouth and closed it several times before giving up his quest for appropriate words.
Lorne bulled on. "Also, there's no picking music at random for this episode. We're going with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera. And by the way, the official Angel/Spike theme song is going to be 'Breathe.' What can I say? I like it."
The undeniable fact that no one else did seemed to have no impact upon him at all.
***
EPISODE: "Inner Children"
TEASER
Various shots of children: screaming babies, kids on playgrounds, teenagers on a basketball court, little girls with dolls, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Admit it: As adults, we all occasionally think back to our days as children, when life seemed so much simpler. Don't you sometimes wish you could return to those days when existence was less complicated? Don't you wonder what it would be like if you could do so? Sure, you do.
FADE IN.
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY is leafing through a book, pausing every now and then to look more closely at one of the pages. LINDSEY is watching her. Eventually, Kathy senses his gaze and looks up.
KATHY: Hey, do you want something?
LINDSEY: No.
KATHY: You were looking at me, weren't you?
LINDSEY: I was just thinking. So, what are you doing?
KATHY: Nothing much. Just reading.
LINDSEY: Anything interesting?
KATHY: Not really.
LINDSEY: Can I see the book?
KATHY: You wouldn't be interested. (She closes the book and moves it away without letting Lindsey see the cover.) So where's Connor? I haven't seen him in a while.
LINDSEY: He went out for a walk. Said he wanted to check out something.
KATHY: I hope he isn't getting into trouble. Or worse, trying to confront Angel too early. If he does, he'll ruin all my plans. Oh, I mean, all our plans, of course.
LINDSEY: Right. Our plans.
Kathy looks away with a guilty expression on her face.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
STREET NEAR WOLFRAM & HART
CONNOR lurks near the W&H entrance, watching as people go in. PAIGE approaches the building. Connor stares, entranced. He can't tear his eyes away from her.
CONNOR: Who is that beautiful creature? I think I'm in love!
Paige goes into the building. Connor begins to follow her but stops as he nears the door.
CONNOR: I can't go in yet. It would ruin all of our plans. But I have to know who that girl is!
Though he is obviously torn, eventually Connor turns and walks away. However, he can't resist looking over his shoulder one last time.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - PHOTOCOPIER ROOM
FRED is in the room. She holds several papers with various designs and mayoral slogans on them. She places one in the photocopier and begins to run off duplicates of it. The door behind her is open, and several W&H EMPLOYEES stand a slight distance away, watching.
EMPLOYEE #1: Poor Mr. Wyndam-Pryce. He never gets a break, does he? Do you know why they broke up?
EMPLOYEE #2: I heard she was a real witch and he got sick of her being mean to him all the time.
EMPLOYEE #3: Who could ever be mean to such a sweet guy? He deserves better!
EMPLOYEE #1: Do you have someone in mind?
EMPLOYEE #3: Well, I *am* available.
EMPLOYEE #4: Don't be silly. He's your boss and he'd never look twice at you.
EMPLOYEE #2: After being with that horrible woman, he'd probably jump at the first nice woman who offered.
Fred, stone-faced, pretends she can't hear the conversation.
EMPLOYEE #3: Maybe I'll ask him out for coffee the next time I see him. You never know.
EMPLOYEE #4: Shhh! Here he comes!
Britney Spears' "Walk On By" begins to play in the background as WESLEY appears. Fred turns and sees him; their eyes meet.
"I keep my cool, I pretend you're not here
Every time you come too near
I'm such a fool 'cause this love is true and
If I don't tell you someone else surely will"
Fred is unable to stop herself; she takes a step toward Wesley. For a moment, he stands still, and then he turns and walks away.
"Everywhere I turn
I see your face
Reminding me of a higher place
Every time you smile
Angels cry
Every time you walk on by"
Fred stands in shock as Wesley deliberately walks away from her. She looks like she is about to burst into tears. The watching employees laugh. Fred collects herself, scowls, and goes back to work making more copies.
FRED: (quietly and angrily) Who needs Wesley anyway? I'll show him!
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE- LIVING ROOM
GUNN and GWEN are looking at TIA and MIA, who are sleeping. LUCKY, looking as fluffy as ever, sits nearby. A Wolfram & Hart EMPLOYEE is also in the room.
GUNN: I almost can't bear to leave them. Any moment might be the last one I spend with these precious little girls.
GWEN: You won't really lose them, will you?
GUNN: It's a distinct possibility. Their aunt and uncle want them, and the chances of my retaining custody, which I actually do not legally have in the first place, are approximately 1.465%.
GWEN: Can't you use the resources of Wolfram & Hart to make sure you win the case? I mean, the business must have dozens of judges who owe favors and would be willing to rule in your behalf for some consideration.
GUNN: No! If I can't win the girls fair and square, then I won't win at all. I could never do dishonestly or illegally. How would I ever be able to live with myself, or to raise them in an upstanding, honest way, if I obtained them by unfair means? I can't find it within myself to do such a thing, even if it does mean I will never see Tia and Mia again. Even if it means they will grow up in another family, never remembering my love and care.
GWEN: Well, I hope they get to stay with you. Anyone who loves them as much as you do deserves to be able to raise them. If I can do anything to help you, just let me know.
GUNN: Thanks, Gwen. Now, I guess we'd better get going to that meeting with Angel and the others, or we'll be late.
EMPLOYEE: I'll take good care of the babies and the dog while you're at your meeting.
GUNN: I don't really want to go, but I suppose I'd better.
Gunn kisses the babies goodbye, gives Lucky a pat on the head, and leaves the penthouse with Gwen.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
(Note: The Angel/Spike theme song, Faith Hill's "Breathe," plays softly throughout this scene.)
SPIKE is getting dressed (SHIRTLESS shot here). He glances at a painting on the wall and for a moment, the face of the child in the portrait is replaced by BUFFY's face. Confused, Spike closes his eyes and then opens them and looks again. This time he sees the portrait as it really is.
ANGEL comes out of the shower with a towel around his waist (insert another SHIRTLESS shot).
ANGEL: Almost ready for the big meeting?
SPIKE: Yeah, sure.
Spike looks at Angel and instead of seeing his face, he sees Buffy's.
SPIKE: Buffy?
ANGEL: What?
Spike shakes his head to clear it. He looks again and this time sees Angel instead of Buffy.
ANGEL: Is something wrong?
SPIKE: No--nothing. Let's hurry up and get to that meeting.
Angel stares at Spike for another moment, concerned, but Spike won't look back at him. Finally, Angel goes to get dressed.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY is sitting at the desk, reading the same book she had earlier. LINDSEY and CONNOR are nearby watching TV. Suddenly Kathy jumps to her feet.
KATHY: (excited) I know exactly how we can take revenge on Angel. I've found the perfect method!
CONNOR: That's great, Aunt Kathy. Well, what it is?
Kathy points to the book. Lindsey and Connor stare at it.
LINDSEY: You mean you want to cast a spell on Angel?
KATHY: Yes! I've been searching through books for days, and I finally found a spell that seems just right. It should turn Angel into a powerless, useless thing!
CONNOR: I don't like magic. It usually has consequences and makes you wish you didn't bother with it in the first place. Something is bound to backfire. I think it's a bad idea.
KATHY: Well, I like it. And magic isn't always bad. I was watching reruns of that 'Bewitched' show on television and magic worked fine a lot of the time there.
LINDSEY: Kathy, you can't use a TV show as your guide in such a touchy situation. You need to carefully consider every angle and possibility. Besides, there's the fact that you aren't in this thing alone. You're working with Connor and me, and you seem to have jumped at this magical solution without stopping to consider our feelings or even to ask our opinions. Connor doesn't approve of the spell, and to be honest, neither do I.
KATHY: You don't? Why not?
LINDSEY: I've been thinking about things a lot. Maybe getting revenge on Angel isn't such a great idea. Maybe we should all just let things go and get on with our lives.
KATHY: That's easy for you to say. You're not like me. You haven't been around for more than 250 years, unable to move on. I need to achieve closure with my brother, for once and for all. I'm going to try this spell whether you and Connor like it or not!
LINDSEY: No, Kathy! Don't do it.
KATHY: And why should I listen to anything you have to say, when you refuse to support me?
LINDSEY: Because I love you!
Stunned silence. Then Kathy reacts.
KATHY: I don't believe you! I can't trust you, either!
Kathy grabs the book. Lindsey attempts to stop her; she shoves him away, into the wall. Connor lunges for Kathy, but she fends him off and sends him sailing across the room. Then she dashes out the door with the book, leaving Connor and Lindsey to struggle to their feet in her wake.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANGEL, SPIKE, GUNN, WESLEY, FRED, LORNE, GWEN, and PAIGE are present at this meeting. Angel is seated at the head at the table with Spike to his right, Gunn next to Spike, and Gwen on Gunn's other side. Fred is to Angel's left, with Lorne, Wesley, and Paige to her left.
Angel and Spike are holding hands under the table. Gunn is frowning, very distracted, since he is worried about the custody problems with Tia and Mia. Fred and Wesley are deliberately not looking at each other and making Lorne, who is seated between them, very uncomfortable. Paige, at the far end of the table, keeps staring at Spike, who hasn't yet noticed.
ANGEL: So, what do we need to talk about today?
WESLEY: I'm concerned about the rising number of Kalok demon attacks in sector 38 of the city. It seems like...
As Wesley drones on, Spike drifts into a reverie. We see inside his head: a memory of his final moments with BUFFY.
### BEGIN FLASHBACK ###
The Hellmouth is falling apart around them and Spike is wearing the amulet, with waves of light radiating out from it. Buffy grabs Spike and passionately kisses him.
BUFFY: I love you. I will always love you.
SPIKE: And I'll always love you too, but you have to go now! Live! Live for both of us!
MUSIC swells dramatically. Buffy and Spike stare into each other's faces. Tears glisten in Buffy's eyes. Buffy turns and runs to safety, leaving Spike to burn alone.
### END FLASHBACK ###
The flashback concludes. Spike, sitting at the conference table, is still lost in reverie.
SPIKE: Buffy! Come back!
Everyone around the table jumps and stares at Spike.
ANGEL: What? Why did you just call out to Buffy?
SPIKE: I did?
ANGEL: Yes. You did.
Under the table, Angel lets go of Spike's hand.
SPIKE: I don't know why. Had no reason to.
ANGEL: This is the second time today that you've said her name, for supposedly no reason, and you expect me to believe you don't know why you're doing it?
WESLEY: (clears her throat) Well, to go on, I noticed a correlation between attacks and the cycle of the moon. I'm very concerned about this fact.
FRED: Lorne, tell Wesley that he doesn't know what he's talking about.
LORNE: Why don't you tell him yourself? He's only about four feet away from you.
FRED: I'm not talking to him. Go on, tell him.
LORNE: (sighs) Fine. Wesley, don't shoot the messenger, but Fred says to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about.
WESLEY: Lorne, tell Fred that I'm the only one who's bothered to examine the situation and she can't possibly know more about it than I do.
LORNE: Fred, Wesley says you don't know what he knows.
FRED: Lorne, tell Wesley that--
ANGEL: Stop it, you two! How old are you? Five? Either talk directly to each other or don't speak at all.
Wesley and Fred do not reply.
ANGEL: So you're not going to talk at all. Great. What happened between you two, anyway? Not so long ago, you seemed pretty happy. Now you're acting like you hate each other. And most of the rest of you aren't behaving like usual, either. Gunn, why are you so depressed and distracted? Spike, what's with the Buffy talk? Lorne, why are you wearing all that baggy clothing? Paige, why do you keep looking at Spike?
GUNN: You want to know why I'm depressed and distracted? I'll tell you. It's because my little girls might be taken away from me at any minute, and I don't know if I can even do anything to stop it. So forgive me if I'm not hanging onto your every word. I have more important things to worry about.
SPIKE: I only said Buffy's name twice. Just twice. Let it go, will ya?
LORNE: I know I'm fat! You don't have to call attention to it. I'm dieting and trying to get my weight back to normal, but it isn't easy and people pointing out my flaws doesn't help. I have a plan and if I lose weight according to schedule, I'll be able to go back to my old clothing soon instead of trying to hide my flabby appearance from insensitive supposed friends.
WESLEY: Fred and I were going along quite nicely until she came up with this ridiculous idea of becoming the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Los Angeles by running for mayor.
FRED: I'm not becoming Arnold Schwarzenegger! I'm no Republican! I'm running for election as an independent.
WESLEY: And that makes everything all right, does it? I think not.
FRED: Now everyone can tell why we're not speaking to each other.
PAIGE: Uncle William!
Everyone turns and stares at her.
GWEN: Who's William?
SPIKE: I am. I mean, that was my human name.
PAIGE: You're my uncle. My great-great-great-great uncle. That's why I was so determined to get the job here--because I found out about you and wanted to get closer.
SPIKE: If you're my great-great-great-great niece, why didn't I know about you before?
PAIGE: When you were turned into a vampire, you didn't pay much attention to your human family, with the exception of your mother. Your older brother had a son, and he had a daughter, and I'm descended from her. You must see the family resemblance.
The others stare at Paige and Spike. Now that they look, they do see a certain resemblance, especially in the eyes.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - EXTERIOR
KATHY arrives outside the building, still toting the spellbook. She looks behind herself and sees no sign of pursuit.
KATHY: I hope Connor and Lindsey don't try to interfere with my plans. I'd hate for them to get in the way and possibly get hurt. But I know what I have to do, and nothing will stop me. Angel is about to get exactly what he's deserved for many decades.
She enters the building. Down the street, CONNOR and LINDSEY appear. Lindsey is running as fast as he can, but he is slowing Connor down.
LINDSEY: Go ahead! I can't keep up! Try to stop Kathy if you can and I'll help when I get there.
Connor nods and puts on a burst of speed, drawing away from Lindsey as he tries to catch up to Kathy before she can cast the spell.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
Pandemonium reigns. SPIKE, ANGEL, and PAIGE are all arguing. GUNN and GWEN are engaged in their own conversation. LORNE is trying to mediate between FRED and WESLEY. Then the door crashes open. KATHY enters.
ANGEL: Kathy! What are you doing here?
KATHY: You'll find out in just another minute. (She reads from the spellbook.) "Ac hodit lipsa entrer!"
SPIKE: Hey! I can't move!
Everyone except Kathy tries to move, but they are unable to do so.
ANGEL: What did you do to us?
WESLEY: She cast a spell that immobilized us. Except for our mouths, obviously.
KATHY: And now for the rest.
Before Kathy can complete the spell, CONNOR runs into the room.
CONNOR: Aunt Kathy, you have to stop!
Then Connor spots Paige and forgets what he was saying. He stares, entranced by Paige's beauty.
CONNOR: You're the girl from earlier this morning! The one I love!
KATHY: (reading from book) "Mea loc scritan, ex wale nostra!"
LINDSEY, panting, runs into the room and knocks the book away from Kathy. Too late. A strange mist is spreading around the room.
LINDSEY: Connor, why didn't you stop her? It's too late now!
The mist attacks everyone in the room. They all fall to the floor, writhing in agony. Then, slowly, one by one, they rise. Lorne is first. He looks perfectly normal. However, as the others get up, we see that they are definitely not normal. Angel is now age five. So is everyone else in the room, except, of course, Lorne.
LORNE: Fred? Gunn? Angel?
The kids look at him.
LORNE: Oh, my. I think we have a problem here. Actually, one, two, three... (he counts) ... 10 problems. The spell turned all of you into children. But why didn't it work on me? (He thinks.) It must be because I'm a demon and I have immunity.
Suddenly, all the children turn and run out the door.
LORNE: Wait! Come back!
Lorne races after them and chases them down the hallway, past HARMONY's desk. The kids outpace him and he collapses, panting, near Harmony.
HARMONY: Lorne, what happened? Who are all those children?
LORNE: Those children are our boss, and Gunn, and Spike, and... (He pauses, panting.) I really am out of shape.
HARMONY: Angel isn't a little kid.
LORNE: He is now. His sister cast a spell that transformed him. And her. And everyone else in the room. Except me.
HARMONY: Cool! I always wondered what Angel would look like as a kid.
LORNE: Really?
HARMONY: Well, no, not really. But now that he is one, I'm curious.
LORNE: Stay here. You have to help me. We need to change them back.
HARMONY: How?
LORNE: I guess we start with the book. The one that Kathy read the spell out of.
Slowly, clutching the stitch in his side, Lorne goes back to the conference room to retrieve the book. He steps inside to see Kathy, merrily tearing up the pages.
LORNE: No! Stop!
He darts forward. Kathy dodges him, throws the torn papers in the air like so much confetti, giggles, and races out of the room. Lorne looks at the mess on the floor.
LORNE: I really don't like kids.
###############
LONG MONTAGE: Children wreaking havoc all over Wolfram & Hart.
FRED and WESLEY play with the photocopier, causing it to spew out hundreds of useless papers until eventually it breaks down and lies smoking.
ANGEL and SPIKE steal office supplies and toss them out the windows onto pedestrians' heads.
KATHY and LINDSEY tear pages out of every book they can find and litter the floors.
GWEN and GUNN add salt and pepper to the vampires' blood supplies.
CONNOR clogs up every toilet in the building and leaves the sinks running at full blast.
Lindsey, Fred, and Spike ride up and down in the elevators, keeping others from using them.
Connor and Angel make prank phone calls to the police.
Much more AD-LIBBED MISCHIEF.
Eventually, Lorne and Harmony happen upon the entire group of children happily scribbling upon the walls with permanent markers. LORNE: Enough is enough. Children, children, stop!
SPLAT! A spitball hits Lorne on the forehead. He finally loses his temper.
LORNE: Which one of you little bastards did that?
HARMONY: Lorne! Language! Not in front of the children!
LORNE: Who did it? Tell me!
Angel and Spike vamp out and rush Lorne. Lorne turns tail and runs down the hallway with Spike and Angel in hot pursuit. Harmony watches for a moment, amused, before she turns and leaves. The other kids resume their antics: banging on computers, denting vending machines, spilling food and drinks, etc.
###############
HARMONY'S DESK
HARMONY sits down with a fresh mug of blood in front of her. She is about to take a sip when KATHY tears down the corridor clutching a stolen purse upside down, so that the contents fall out as she runs. A W&H EMPLOYEE chases her, screaming. Harmony merely watches without taking action. Then Lorne hobbles up to her desk, clutching another stitch in his side.
LORNE: We have to do something about these kids. They're little monsters. They'll be the death of me.
HARMONY: The kiddies are funny. They're just enjoying themselves.
She lifts her mug again and takes a big gulp of blood, but promptly spits it out.
HARMONY: Yuck! What is this crap?
Harmony and Lorne examine the blood. Small particles are present in the mug. Behind him, they hear a giggle. They turn to see GWEN, laughing at them.
GWEN (CHILD): Gunn and me put some flavor in your drink!
HARMONY: Flavor? It tastes like... like... well, it just tastes really, really bad now!
Gwen giggles again and then dashes away.
HARMONY: That does it! You're right, Lorne. Something has to be done!
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - VARIOUS AREAS
Several minutes of more AD-LIBBED ANTICS as the kids continue their pranks and annoy everyone in sight. Spitballs, screaming, wreckage, general whininess and bad behavior of all kinds.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - SECURITY DESK
LORNE and HARMONY confront security PERSONNEL.
LORNE: These children are causing no end of trouble. It can't be allowed to go on. It just can't be.
GUARD: What do you suggest we do?
HARMONY: Corral them! Lock them up! Handcuff them!
GUARD: And you say the ringleader is Angel? Our boss, Angel?
LORNE: Yes, but he's only five years old now.
GUARD: I'm sorry, but I can't help you. He might be only five but he's still the boss, and I take my orders directly from him.
HARMONY: You won't do anything to stop them?
GUARD: My hands are tied.
LORNE: I guess it's just you and me then, Harm. Quick, think up a plan. We have to make them all normal again. We just have to.
HARMONY: We could tape that book together. You know, the one the spell was in.
LORNE: That'll take ages, but I guess we have no choice. Come on!
They hurry to recover the torn pages.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - VARIOUS OFFICES, CONFERENCE ROOMS, CORRIDORS, ETC.
The kids keep causing trouble, knocking over desks, breaking windows, spilling ink on carpets, etc. Thic continues for several minutes.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
After much effort, LORNE and HARMONY have succeeded in pasting the pages back together. Lorne eyes the text.
LORNE: I think this would be the reversal portion. Only how do we get all the kids together so we can cast it on them?
Harmony goes to the door, opens it, and calls into the hallway.
HARMONY: Kids! Milk and cookies, this way! First come, first served!
Within seconds, the children begin to enter the room. They look around and don't see any food.
LINDSEY (CHILD): Where's our cookies?
CONNOR (CHILD): And the milk!
LORNE: Have a little patience, there. It's all coming very soon. (He looks at the children and counts.) Nine. There are only nine of them. Who's missing?
HARMONY: Fred is. You know, I think she was the brattiest one of all. Who would have guessed?
WESLEY (CHILD): Fred's not a brat!
He runs over and kicks Harmony in the shin.
HARMONY: Ow! That hurt, you little snot!
Fred runs into the room.
FRED (CHILD): Where are my cookies?
LORNE: They're all here now. Quick, Harmony, block the door so they can't escape!
While Harmony stands in front of the door, Lorne reads the text from the torn piece of paper.
LORNE: "Reversitas formos, dea zacure!"
A pale mist fills the room and then dissipates. As it vanishes, we see that the children have all returned to their adult forms. They look around, disoriented.
LINDSEY (ADULT): What the hell just happened here?
KATHY (ADULT): Don't you remember? We were all children again.
WESLEY (ADULT): And it felt strangely liberating.
ANGEL (ADULT): Hey, wait. What are Lindsey and Connor doing here? And Kathy cast that spell on us, didn't she?
KATHY (ADULT): Oops!
Kathy, Connor, and Lindsey run out the door.
SPIKE (ADULT): Should I go catch them?
ANGEL (ADULT): No. Let them go. I'll deal with them later. For right now, I think we all have a bit of a mess to take care of. I seem to remember destroying quite a few things while I was five years old again. Not that it wasn't fun.
Everyone except Harmony and Lorne leaves the room. Lorne sinks to the floor.
HARMONY: Lorne, are you all right?
LORNE: I think I will be. You know, there's one good thing about that whole fiasco.
HARMONY: Yeah? What's that?
LORNE: I probably lost 10 pounds today with all of the running around I had to do.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN and GWEN are relaxing after their unusual day. Gwen, however, has something in particular on her mind, and she attempts to find a good way to broach the subject.
GWEN: Quite a day, wasn't it?
GUNN: You can say that again.
GWEN: Quite a day, wasn't--
GUNN: I was being sarcastic!
GWEN: I knew that. I was just joking. I'm not stupid.
GUNN: Oh.
GWEN: No, I'm really not stupid. In fact, I came up with a great idea that you're going to love. Because it's going to help you retain custody of the twins!
GUNN: What? You know a way for me to keep the girls? What it is?
GWEN: It's easy, and convenient, and I'm perfectly willing to go through with it, and the judge will love it!
GUNN: Well, it sounds great so far. Just tell me what it is.
GWEN: We have to get married!
Silence. Then:
GUNN: What? I must have heard you wrong. I thought you just said that we have to get married.
GWEN: I did say that. Don't you see? Judges love two-parent families. At the moment, you're only a single father. But if we marry, the judge will look at us and see two parents, both willing and able to care for the babies, and that's pretty impressive. It will give you a much better chance of winning your case.
GUNN: You do have a point. I'm surprised I didn't think of this myself.
GWEN: I told you I wasn't stupid.
GUNN: All right, so when do we arrange all this?
GWEN: No time like the present. We need to get married as soon as possible. Tonight or tomorrow.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
(Note: The Justin Timberlake song "Cry Me A River" plays throughout this scene.)
FRED tentatively taps on the door and then steps inside the room. WESLEY, who is sitting behind his desk, looks up and sees her but does not rise. Fred walks up to his desk and stops.
WESLEY: Fred. What are you doing here?
FRED: I wanted to talk to you.
WESLEY: So go ahead. Talk.
FRED: You're not going to make this easy, are you?
WESLEY: Why should I? You haven't made anything easy for me lately.
FRED: Not on purpose. I finally had something really good happen in my life and you didn't support me, and I was hurt. Can you blame me for being upset?
WESLEY: You didn't even talk about it with me. You decided, all on your own, that you were going to enter into this life-altering event. Then, after the fact, you mentioned it to me and expected me to exactly share your feelings. Do you think that was fair to me?
FRED: I guess not, when you put it that way. Look, I'm sorry, all right? I guess I just wasn't used to having to think about someone else's feelings, and so I didn't, and that upset you, and your reaction upset me, and it all snowballed from there, and after it was over I didn't even really know quite how it had started.
WESLEY: Sometimes that can happen, I suppose.
FRED: Anyway. I guess I wanted to tell you that. And I also wanted to thank you for being nice to me today. When we were children, I mean. You know what was really fun? When we broke the photocopier and it almost started on fire!
WESLEY: That was rather amusing, in a very juvenile sort of way.
FRED: Okay, well, goodnight.
WESLEY: Wait, Fred. I'm sorry, too.
FRED: You are?
WESLEY: Yes. My behavior wasn't the best, either. But there's still a wide gap between us, and I don't know if we can ever meet in the middle. I'm very sorry. Probably more sorry than I can ever express.
FRED: I am, too.
Head down, Fred leaves the office alone. Wesley sadly watches her go.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are in the living room.
CONNOR: Now do you understand why magic sucks, Aunt Kathy? It's ruined everything. Your spell backfired, plus Angel knows we're working together. Could things be any worse?
KATHY: I didn't know what would happen. I thought the spell was perfect and it would be a great, quick, easy way to get revenge. What can I say? I was wrong.
LINDSEY: I'm very disappointed in you, Kathy. You wouldn't listen to Connor and me, and you acted like our opinions were of absolutely no importance. I thought we had established a true bond of trust, but now I see I was completely wrong.
CONNOR: I'm going out. I need to get out of here and clear my head.
Connor leaves. The Christina Aguilera song "So Emotional" begins to play in the background.
"You make me high and low, you know
I'm never sure which way you're gonna go"
KATHY: I'm sorry, Lindsey. I'm just not used to being around people I can trust.
LINDSEY: It's more than that with you and me. Do you remember what I told you this morning? That I love you?
KATHY: I remember. I just don't know if I can believe you.
"You're such a mystery to me
But baby, hot or cold you got a hold
Of my imagination
I think you know what I mean"
LINDSEY: When have I ever lied to you? Tell me one time.
KATHY: I can't remember any.
LINDSEY: So why don't you believe me now?
KATHY: You know what my life has been like. You told me you understood.
LINDSEY: I do, but you have to be able to let go of the past and move on.
KATHY: I can't! Stop pressuring me!
Kathy gets up and runs out of the apartment. TRACKING SHOT as she wanders the streets.
"You make me feel so emotional
I can't let go, I'm so emotional
I'm sinking fast into an ocean of you
I'm so emotional"
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
ANGEL and SPIKE are sitting on the couch, tired.
SPIKE: What a day.
ANGEL: What a long day.
SPIKE: Sure was. Hey, who was that kid who came into your office? His name was Connor.
ANGEL: Connor? Oh, he wasn't anyone important. Don't worry about him.
SPIKE: He seemed to know you, and he was with your sister. He called her his aunt.
ANGEL: Don't worry about it. I'm more concerned about a lot of other things. Like how much sensitive information we all managed to destroy on our kiddie rampage today.
SPIKE: Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it?
ANGEL: Not exactly the word I had in mind. Exhausting is a better description.
SPIKE: And informative. So, I have a human great-great-great-great niece, do I? It never even occurred to me.
ANGEL: Keep in mind, this Paige girl could be lying about her supposed relationship to you.
SPIKE: What would be the point of that? Besides, she has the same eyes as me, and the cheekbones, and the hair.
ANGEL: You color your hair, Spike.
SPIKE: Even so...
ANGEL: I do agree, though. She probably is related to you. I mean, who would admit to that unless it was true?
Spike hits Angel. Angel shrugs off the blow, which wasn't very hard.
ANGEL: You know I'm right. (He yawns.) Well, I'm going to go get some blood, and then I'm going to bed.
Angel goes into the kitchen. Spike picks up the newspaper and skims the headlines, but there is a knock on the door. He gets up to answer it, then stares in shock. BUFFY is standing outside.
SPIKE: Buffy!
From the kitchen, Angel hears him.
ANGEL: Spike, will you quit saying... (Angel walks back into the living room, looks at the doorway, and sees her.) Buffy.
FADEOUT
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Faith Hill, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera.
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.
"Casting Coup"
Two days after the airing of the first "new" episode, Lorne called the next group meeting. He, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Connor, Paige, Lindsey, Kathy, and Gwen all showed up on time. Spike and Angel arrived a few minutes late, but the fact that they had come at all following their walkout was encouraging.
As usual, Lorne took the lead. The others looked on as he set up a TV and VCR at the front of the room, then turned to face them. "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is, our ratings for the first new episode were low. Don't panic, though. A lot of viewers didn't know we were coming back on and they didn't tune in. Next time we'll reel them in and get those numbers way up."
"And the good news?" Wesley prodded.
"Great news, I should have said. Buffy's coming back for our last two episodes! She'll appear briefly at the end of episode five and more extensively in the final one. To help set up her return, Spike starts thinking about his last moments with her back in Sunnydale, during the 'Buffy' finale. Here's how it happened." Lorne picked up the remote control, flicked on the TV, and pressed "play." The tape began.
"Hey! That's me right before my death!" Spike exclaimed, staring at the onscreen images.
"Shhh!" Angel hissed.
Everyone intently watched. The scene being shown featured Spike and Buffy with the Hellmouth falling apart around them. Spike was wearing the amulet as waves of light radiated out from it.
Buffy grabbed Spike and passionately kissed him. "I love you. I will always love you."
"And I'll always love you too, but you have to go now!" Spike cried. "Live! Live for both of us!"
The music swelled dramatically as Buffy and Spike stared into each other's faces one final time. Tears glistened in Buffy's eyes before she turned and ran to safety, leaving Spike to burn alone.
The scene ended.
"What the hell was that?" Spike yelled. "That's not how it played out!"
"We tweaked the scene a little," Lorne explained. "We had to. You'll understand why when you review the original version." He pressed "play" again and the tape resumed.
As before, Spike was wearing the amulet while light radiated from it. Buffy, holding his hand, looked at him and said softly, "I love you."
"No, you don't," Spike disagreed. "But thanks for saying it."
The tape stopped.
"See?" said Lorne. "Talk about flat and uninspiring. We had to fix things. Make it more dramatic as we gear up to showcase the epic love triangle of Angel, Buffy, and Spike. If Buffy doesn't really love Spike, we have no story. Hence, the very minor dramatic license we took."
"The fans are gonna be pissed off," Spike warned. "They know what happened in the original version of that scene."
Lorne shrugged. "Sure, they'll be pissed. Sure, they'll threaten to quit watching. But they won't do it. A little controversy will be good for the ratings. I guarantee it. By the way, who wants to see the next script?"
No one replied.
"Aw, come on," Lorne coaxed. "Anyone?"
Wesley spoke up. "We haven't even finished shooting the previous one yet. I think we were all looking forward to a bit of downtime in between."
"You'll get a month of downtime after we wrap up episode five," Lorne promised. "We're taking a vacation and then coming back all rested up and eager for the big finish. But to be able to do that, we need to get over this last hump." He flipped open his briefcase to reveal a pile of scripts, somewhat thinner than usual. "Who's first?" He grabbed the top script and offered it to Spike, who was nearest to him.
Spike didn't extend his hand. "No purring scenes in this one?"
"No purring," Lorne assured him.
Spike accepted the script. Once he had done so, the others all followed suit.
"What's with the episode title? 'Inner Children'?" Lindsey read.
"Bent on revenge against Angel and shaken after hearing a revelation from Lindsey, Kathy attempts to use dangerous magic and accidentally transforms most of the cast into their five-year-old selves," Lorne related. "Because who doesn't love seeing hordes of screaming, prank-pulling little kids running around like maniacs while the adults around them lose their heads?"
"Parents want to watch that on TV?" Fred said dubiously.
"Trust me--everyone wants to watch it," Lorne replied. "The important thing is that the misbehaving kids aren't their own and they can hit the mute button whenever they feel like it."
"This episode sounds an awful lot like that 'Spin the Bottle' one from last season," Gunn pointed out. "You know, the one where we were transformed into our 17-year-old selves."
"You're right," Angel agreed. "Have we actually been reduced to ripping ourselves off?"
"I prefer to say we're drawing inspiration from the greatness of our past," Lorne clarified.
Angel nodded. "What I thought--it's a ripoff."
"So the entire episode consists of us as a bunch of bratty children causing trouble?" Fred asked.
"Oh, no," Lorne protested. "Only about two-thirds of it. The rest is classic drama. Gunn's custody struggle, Buffy's return, Paige's confrontation with Spike, Wesley and Fred's big talk, and other good stuff."
Spike darted a suspicious look at Paige. "Why is she confronting me? Why is she even on the show?"
"Oh, that's right," Lorne recalled. "You didn't read all of the fourth script and you don't know her secret yet. Spike, meet your mortal great-great-great-great niece, Paige. And while we're at it, Connor, meet your new girlfriend."
"Huh?" Connor looked up from where he and Kathy were playing Hangman on the back of his script.
Spike opened his mouth and closed it several times before giving up his quest for appropriate words.
Lorne bulled on. "Also, there's no picking music at random for this episode. We're going with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera. And by the way, the official Angel/Spike theme song is going to be 'Breathe.' What can I say? I like it."
The undeniable fact that no one else did seemed to have no impact upon him at all.
***
EPISODE: "Inner Children"
TEASER
Various shots of children: screaming babies, kids on playgrounds, teenagers on a basketball court, little girls with dolls, etc.
VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
Admit it: As adults, we all occasionally think back to our days as children, when life seemed so much simpler. Don't you sometimes wish you could return to those days when existence was less complicated? Don't you wonder what it would be like if you could do so? Sure, you do.
FADE IN.
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY is leafing through a book, pausing every now and then to look more closely at one of the pages. LINDSEY is watching her. Eventually, Kathy senses his gaze and looks up.
KATHY: Hey, do you want something?
LINDSEY: No.
KATHY: You were looking at me, weren't you?
LINDSEY: I was just thinking. So, what are you doing?
KATHY: Nothing much. Just reading.
LINDSEY: Anything interesting?
KATHY: Not really.
LINDSEY: Can I see the book?
KATHY: You wouldn't be interested. (She closes the book and moves it away without letting Lindsey see the cover.) So where's Connor? I haven't seen him in a while.
LINDSEY: He went out for a walk. Said he wanted to check out something.
KATHY: I hope he isn't getting into trouble. Or worse, trying to confront Angel too early. If he does, he'll ruin all my plans. Oh, I mean, all our plans, of course.
LINDSEY: Right. Our plans.
Kathy looks away with a guilty expression on her face.
BLACKOUT. END TEASER.
###############
STREET NEAR WOLFRAM & HART
CONNOR lurks near the W&H entrance, watching as people go in. PAIGE approaches the building. Connor stares, entranced. He can't tear his eyes away from her.
CONNOR: Who is that beautiful creature? I think I'm in love!
Paige goes into the building. Connor begins to follow her but stops as he nears the door.
CONNOR: I can't go in yet. It would ruin all of our plans. But I have to know who that girl is!
Though he is obviously torn, eventually Connor turns and walks away. However, he can't resist looking over his shoulder one last time.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - PHOTOCOPIER ROOM
FRED is in the room. She holds several papers with various designs and mayoral slogans on them. She places one in the photocopier and begins to run off duplicates of it. The door behind her is open, and several W&H EMPLOYEES stand a slight distance away, watching.
EMPLOYEE #1: Poor Mr. Wyndam-Pryce. He never gets a break, does he? Do you know why they broke up?
EMPLOYEE #2: I heard she was a real witch and he got sick of her being mean to him all the time.
EMPLOYEE #3: Who could ever be mean to such a sweet guy? He deserves better!
EMPLOYEE #1: Do you have someone in mind?
EMPLOYEE #3: Well, I *am* available.
EMPLOYEE #4: Don't be silly. He's your boss and he'd never look twice at you.
EMPLOYEE #2: After being with that horrible woman, he'd probably jump at the first nice woman who offered.
Fred, stone-faced, pretends she can't hear the conversation.
EMPLOYEE #3: Maybe I'll ask him out for coffee the next time I see him. You never know.
EMPLOYEE #4: Shhh! Here he comes!
Britney Spears' "Walk On By" begins to play in the background as WESLEY appears. Fred turns and sees him; their eyes meet.
"I keep my cool, I pretend you're not here
Every time you come too near
I'm such a fool 'cause this love is true and
If I don't tell you someone else surely will"
Fred is unable to stop herself; she takes a step toward Wesley. For a moment, he stands still, and then he turns and walks away.
"Everywhere I turn
I see your face
Reminding me of a higher place
Every time you smile
Angels cry
Every time you walk on by"
Fred stands in shock as Wesley deliberately walks away from her. She looks like she is about to burst into tears. The watching employees laugh. Fred collects herself, scowls, and goes back to work making more copies.
FRED: (quietly and angrily) Who needs Wesley anyway? I'll show him!
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE- LIVING ROOM
GUNN and GWEN are looking at TIA and MIA, who are sleeping. LUCKY, looking as fluffy as ever, sits nearby. A Wolfram & Hart EMPLOYEE is also in the room.
GUNN: I almost can't bear to leave them. Any moment might be the last one I spend with these precious little girls.
GWEN: You won't really lose them, will you?
GUNN: It's a distinct possibility. Their aunt and uncle want them, and the chances of my retaining custody, which I actually do not legally have in the first place, are approximately 1.465%.
GWEN: Can't you use the resources of Wolfram & Hart to make sure you win the case? I mean, the business must have dozens of judges who owe favors and would be willing to rule in your behalf for some consideration.
GUNN: No! If I can't win the girls fair and square, then I won't win at all. I could never do dishonestly or illegally. How would I ever be able to live with myself, or to raise them in an upstanding, honest way, if I obtained them by unfair means? I can't find it within myself to do such a thing, even if it does mean I will never see Tia and Mia again. Even if it means they will grow up in another family, never remembering my love and care.
GWEN: Well, I hope they get to stay with you. Anyone who loves them as much as you do deserves to be able to raise them. If I can do anything to help you, just let me know.
GUNN: Thanks, Gwen. Now, I guess we'd better get going to that meeting with Angel and the others, or we'll be late.
EMPLOYEE: I'll take good care of the babies and the dog while you're at your meeting.
GUNN: I don't really want to go, but I suppose I'd better.
Gunn kisses the babies goodbye, gives Lucky a pat on the head, and leaves the penthouse with Gwen.
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM
(Note: The Angel/Spike theme song, Faith Hill's "Breathe," plays softly throughout this scene.)
SPIKE is getting dressed (SHIRTLESS shot here). He glances at a painting on the wall and for a moment, the face of the child in the portrait is replaced by BUFFY's face. Confused, Spike closes his eyes and then opens them and looks again. This time he sees the portrait as it really is.
ANGEL comes out of the shower with a towel around his waist (insert another SHIRTLESS shot).
ANGEL: Almost ready for the big meeting?
SPIKE: Yeah, sure.
Spike looks at Angel and instead of seeing his face, he sees Buffy's.
SPIKE: Buffy?
ANGEL: What?
Spike shakes his head to clear it. He looks again and this time sees Angel instead of Buffy.
ANGEL: Is something wrong?
SPIKE: No--nothing. Let's hurry up and get to that meeting.
Angel stares at Spike for another moment, concerned, but Spike won't look back at him. Finally, Angel goes to get dressed.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
KATHY is sitting at the desk, reading the same book she had earlier. LINDSEY and CONNOR are nearby watching TV. Suddenly Kathy jumps to her feet.
KATHY: (excited) I know exactly how we can take revenge on Angel. I've found the perfect method!
CONNOR: That's great, Aunt Kathy. Well, what it is?
Kathy points to the book. Lindsey and Connor stare at it.
LINDSEY: You mean you want to cast a spell on Angel?
KATHY: Yes! I've been searching through books for days, and I finally found a spell that seems just right. It should turn Angel into a powerless, useless thing!
CONNOR: I don't like magic. It usually has consequences and makes you wish you didn't bother with it in the first place. Something is bound to backfire. I think it's a bad idea.
KATHY: Well, I like it. And magic isn't always bad. I was watching reruns of that 'Bewitched' show on television and magic worked fine a lot of the time there.
LINDSEY: Kathy, you can't use a TV show as your guide in such a touchy situation. You need to carefully consider every angle and possibility. Besides, there's the fact that you aren't in this thing alone. You're working with Connor and me, and you seem to have jumped at this magical solution without stopping to consider our feelings or even to ask our opinions. Connor doesn't approve of the spell, and to be honest, neither do I.
KATHY: You don't? Why not?
LINDSEY: I've been thinking about things a lot. Maybe getting revenge on Angel isn't such a great idea. Maybe we should all just let things go and get on with our lives.
KATHY: That's easy for you to say. You're not like me. You haven't been around for more than 250 years, unable to move on. I need to achieve closure with my brother, for once and for all. I'm going to try this spell whether you and Connor like it or not!
LINDSEY: No, Kathy! Don't do it.
KATHY: And why should I listen to anything you have to say, when you refuse to support me?
LINDSEY: Because I love you!
Stunned silence. Then Kathy reacts.
KATHY: I don't believe you! I can't trust you, either!
Kathy grabs the book. Lindsey attempts to stop her; she shoves him away, into the wall. Connor lunges for Kathy, but she fends him off and sends him sailing across the room. Then she dashes out the door with the book, leaving Connor and Lindsey to struggle to their feet in her wake.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
ANGEL, SPIKE, GUNN, WESLEY, FRED, LORNE, GWEN, and PAIGE are present at this meeting. Angel is seated at the head at the table with Spike to his right, Gunn next to Spike, and Gwen on Gunn's other side. Fred is to Angel's left, with Lorne, Wesley, and Paige to her left.
Angel and Spike are holding hands under the table. Gunn is frowning, very distracted, since he is worried about the custody problems with Tia and Mia. Fred and Wesley are deliberately not looking at each other and making Lorne, who is seated between them, very uncomfortable. Paige, at the far end of the table, keeps staring at Spike, who hasn't yet noticed.
ANGEL: So, what do we need to talk about today?
WESLEY: I'm concerned about the rising number of Kalok demon attacks in sector 38 of the city. It seems like...
As Wesley drones on, Spike drifts into a reverie. We see inside his head: a memory of his final moments with BUFFY.
### BEGIN FLASHBACK ###
The Hellmouth is falling apart around them and Spike is wearing the amulet, with waves of light radiating out from it. Buffy grabs Spike and passionately kisses him.
BUFFY: I love you. I will always love you.
SPIKE: And I'll always love you too, but you have to go now! Live! Live for both of us!
MUSIC swells dramatically. Buffy and Spike stare into each other's faces. Tears glisten in Buffy's eyes. Buffy turns and runs to safety, leaving Spike to burn alone.
### END FLASHBACK ###
The flashback concludes. Spike, sitting at the conference table, is still lost in reverie.
SPIKE: Buffy! Come back!
Everyone around the table jumps and stares at Spike.
ANGEL: What? Why did you just call out to Buffy?
SPIKE: I did?
ANGEL: Yes. You did.
Under the table, Angel lets go of Spike's hand.
SPIKE: I don't know why. Had no reason to.
ANGEL: This is the second time today that you've said her name, for supposedly no reason, and you expect me to believe you don't know why you're doing it?
WESLEY: (clears her throat) Well, to go on, I noticed a correlation between attacks and the cycle of the moon. I'm very concerned about this fact.
FRED: Lorne, tell Wesley that he doesn't know what he's talking about.
LORNE: Why don't you tell him yourself? He's only about four feet away from you.
FRED: I'm not talking to him. Go on, tell him.
LORNE: (sighs) Fine. Wesley, don't shoot the messenger, but Fred says to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about.
WESLEY: Lorne, tell Fred that I'm the only one who's bothered to examine the situation and she can't possibly know more about it than I do.
LORNE: Fred, Wesley says you don't know what he knows.
FRED: Lorne, tell Wesley that--
ANGEL: Stop it, you two! How old are you? Five? Either talk directly to each other or don't speak at all.
Wesley and Fred do not reply.
ANGEL: So you're not going to talk at all. Great. What happened between you two, anyway? Not so long ago, you seemed pretty happy. Now you're acting like you hate each other. And most of the rest of you aren't behaving like usual, either. Gunn, why are you so depressed and distracted? Spike, what's with the Buffy talk? Lorne, why are you wearing all that baggy clothing? Paige, why do you keep looking at Spike?
GUNN: You want to know why I'm depressed and distracted? I'll tell you. It's because my little girls might be taken away from me at any minute, and I don't know if I can even do anything to stop it. So forgive me if I'm not hanging onto your every word. I have more important things to worry about.
SPIKE: I only said Buffy's name twice. Just twice. Let it go, will ya?
LORNE: I know I'm fat! You don't have to call attention to it. I'm dieting and trying to get my weight back to normal, but it isn't easy and people pointing out my flaws doesn't help. I have a plan and if I lose weight according to schedule, I'll be able to go back to my old clothing soon instead of trying to hide my flabby appearance from insensitive supposed friends.
WESLEY: Fred and I were going along quite nicely until she came up with this ridiculous idea of becoming the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Los Angeles by running for mayor.
FRED: I'm not becoming Arnold Schwarzenegger! I'm no Republican! I'm running for election as an independent.
WESLEY: And that makes everything all right, does it? I think not.
FRED: Now everyone can tell why we're not speaking to each other.
PAIGE: Uncle William!
Everyone turns and stares at her.
GWEN: Who's William?
SPIKE: I am. I mean, that was my human name.
PAIGE: You're my uncle. My great-great-great-great uncle. That's why I was so determined to get the job here--because I found out about you and wanted to get closer.
SPIKE: If you're my great-great-great-great niece, why didn't I know about you before?
PAIGE: When you were turned into a vampire, you didn't pay much attention to your human family, with the exception of your mother. Your older brother had a son, and he had a daughter, and I'm descended from her. You must see the family resemblance.
The others stare at Paige and Spike. Now that they look, they do see a certain resemblance, especially in the eyes.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - EXTERIOR
KATHY arrives outside the building, still toting the spellbook. She looks behind herself and sees no sign of pursuit.
KATHY: I hope Connor and Lindsey don't try to interfere with my plans. I'd hate for them to get in the way and possibly get hurt. But I know what I have to do, and nothing will stop me. Angel is about to get exactly what he's deserved for many decades.
She enters the building. Down the street, CONNOR and LINDSEY appear. Lindsey is running as fast as he can, but he is slowing Connor down.
LINDSEY: Go ahead! I can't keep up! Try to stop Kathy if you can and I'll help when I get there.
Connor nods and puts on a burst of speed, drawing away from Lindsey as he tries to catch up to Kathy before she can cast the spell.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
Pandemonium reigns. SPIKE, ANGEL, and PAIGE are all arguing. GUNN and GWEN are engaged in their own conversation. LORNE is trying to mediate between FRED and WESLEY. Then the door crashes open. KATHY enters.
ANGEL: Kathy! What are you doing here?
KATHY: You'll find out in just another minute. (She reads from the spellbook.) "Ac hodit lipsa entrer!"
SPIKE: Hey! I can't move!
Everyone except Kathy tries to move, but they are unable to do so.
ANGEL: What did you do to us?
WESLEY: She cast a spell that immobilized us. Except for our mouths, obviously.
KATHY: And now for the rest.
Before Kathy can complete the spell, CONNOR runs into the room.
CONNOR: Aunt Kathy, you have to stop!
Then Connor spots Paige and forgets what he was saying. He stares, entranced by Paige's beauty.
CONNOR: You're the girl from earlier this morning! The one I love!
KATHY: (reading from book) "Mea loc scritan, ex wale nostra!"
LINDSEY, panting, runs into the room and knocks the book away from Kathy. Too late. A strange mist is spreading around the room.
LINDSEY: Connor, why didn't you stop her? It's too late now!
The mist attacks everyone in the room. They all fall to the floor, writhing in agony. Then, slowly, one by one, they rise. Lorne is first. He looks perfectly normal. However, as the others get up, we see that they are definitely not normal. Angel is now age five. So is everyone else in the room, except, of course, Lorne.
LORNE: Fred? Gunn? Angel?
The kids look at him.
LORNE: Oh, my. I think we have a problem here. Actually, one, two, three... (he counts) ... 10 problems. The spell turned all of you into children. But why didn't it work on me? (He thinks.) It must be because I'm a demon and I have immunity.
Suddenly, all the children turn and run out the door.
LORNE: Wait! Come back!
Lorne races after them and chases them down the hallway, past HARMONY's desk. The kids outpace him and he collapses, panting, near Harmony.
HARMONY: Lorne, what happened? Who are all those children?
LORNE: Those children are our boss, and Gunn, and Spike, and... (He pauses, panting.) I really am out of shape.
HARMONY: Angel isn't a little kid.
LORNE: He is now. His sister cast a spell that transformed him. And her. And everyone else in the room. Except me.
HARMONY: Cool! I always wondered what Angel would look like as a kid.
LORNE: Really?
HARMONY: Well, no, not really. But now that he is one, I'm curious.
LORNE: Stay here. You have to help me. We need to change them back.
HARMONY: How?
LORNE: I guess we start with the book. The one that Kathy read the spell out of.
Slowly, clutching the stitch in his side, Lorne goes back to the conference room to retrieve the book. He steps inside to see Kathy, merrily tearing up the pages.
LORNE: No! Stop!
He darts forward. Kathy dodges him, throws the torn papers in the air like so much confetti, giggles, and races out of the room. Lorne looks at the mess on the floor.
LORNE: I really don't like kids.
###############
LONG MONTAGE: Children wreaking havoc all over Wolfram & Hart.
FRED and WESLEY play with the photocopier, causing it to spew out hundreds of useless papers until eventually it breaks down and lies smoking.
ANGEL and SPIKE steal office supplies and toss them out the windows onto pedestrians' heads.
KATHY and LINDSEY tear pages out of every book they can find and litter the floors.
GWEN and GUNN add salt and pepper to the vampires' blood supplies.
CONNOR clogs up every toilet in the building and leaves the sinks running at full blast.
Lindsey, Fred, and Spike ride up and down in the elevators, keeping others from using them.
Connor and Angel make prank phone calls to the police.
Much more AD-LIBBED MISCHIEF.
Eventually, Lorne and Harmony happen upon the entire group of children happily scribbling upon the walls with permanent markers. LORNE: Enough is enough. Children, children, stop!
SPLAT! A spitball hits Lorne on the forehead. He finally loses his temper.
LORNE: Which one of you little bastards did that?
HARMONY: Lorne! Language! Not in front of the children!
LORNE: Who did it? Tell me!
Angel and Spike vamp out and rush Lorne. Lorne turns tail and runs down the hallway with Spike and Angel in hot pursuit. Harmony watches for a moment, amused, before she turns and leaves. The other kids resume their antics: banging on computers, denting vending machines, spilling food and drinks, etc.
###############
HARMONY'S DESK
HARMONY sits down with a fresh mug of blood in front of her. She is about to take a sip when KATHY tears down the corridor clutching a stolen purse upside down, so that the contents fall out as she runs. A W&H EMPLOYEE chases her, screaming. Harmony merely watches without taking action. Then Lorne hobbles up to her desk, clutching another stitch in his side.
LORNE: We have to do something about these kids. They're little monsters. They'll be the death of me.
HARMONY: The kiddies are funny. They're just enjoying themselves.
She lifts her mug again and takes a big gulp of blood, but promptly spits it out.
HARMONY: Yuck! What is this crap?
Harmony and Lorne examine the blood. Small particles are present in the mug. Behind him, they hear a giggle. They turn to see GWEN, laughing at them.
GWEN (CHILD): Gunn and me put some flavor in your drink!
HARMONY: Flavor? It tastes like... like... well, it just tastes really, really bad now!
Gwen giggles again and then dashes away.
HARMONY: That does it! You're right, Lorne. Something has to be done!
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - VARIOUS AREAS
Several minutes of more AD-LIBBED ANTICS as the kids continue their pranks and annoy everyone in sight. Spitballs, screaming, wreckage, general whininess and bad behavior of all kinds.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - SECURITY DESK
LORNE and HARMONY confront security PERSONNEL.
LORNE: These children are causing no end of trouble. It can't be allowed to go on. It just can't be.
GUARD: What do you suggest we do?
HARMONY: Corral them! Lock them up! Handcuff them!
GUARD: And you say the ringleader is Angel? Our boss, Angel?
LORNE: Yes, but he's only five years old now.
GUARD: I'm sorry, but I can't help you. He might be only five but he's still the boss, and I take my orders directly from him.
HARMONY: You won't do anything to stop them?
GUARD: My hands are tied.
LORNE: I guess it's just you and me then, Harm. Quick, think up a plan. We have to make them all normal again. We just have to.
HARMONY: We could tape that book together. You know, the one the spell was in.
LORNE: That'll take ages, but I guess we have no choice. Come on!
They hurry to recover the torn pages.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - VARIOUS OFFICES, CONFERENCE ROOMS, CORRIDORS, ETC.
The kids keep causing trouble, knocking over desks, breaking windows, spilling ink on carpets, etc. Thic continues for several minutes.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - CONFERENCE ROOM
After much effort, LORNE and HARMONY have succeeded in pasting the pages back together. Lorne eyes the text.
LORNE: I think this would be the reversal portion. Only how do we get all the kids together so we can cast it on them?
Harmony goes to the door, opens it, and calls into the hallway.
HARMONY: Kids! Milk and cookies, this way! First come, first served!
Within seconds, the children begin to enter the room. They look around and don't see any food.
LINDSEY (CHILD): Where's our cookies?
CONNOR (CHILD): And the milk!
LORNE: Have a little patience, there. It's all coming very soon. (He looks at the children and counts.) Nine. There are only nine of them. Who's missing?
HARMONY: Fred is. You know, I think she was the brattiest one of all. Who would have guessed?
WESLEY (CHILD): Fred's not a brat!
He runs over and kicks Harmony in the shin.
HARMONY: Ow! That hurt, you little snot!
Fred runs into the room.
FRED (CHILD): Where are my cookies?
LORNE: They're all here now. Quick, Harmony, block the door so they can't escape!
While Harmony stands in front of the door, Lorne reads the text from the torn piece of paper.
LORNE: "Reversitas formos, dea zacure!"
A pale mist fills the room and then dissipates. As it vanishes, we see that the children have all returned to their adult forms. They look around, disoriented.
LINDSEY (ADULT): What the hell just happened here?
KATHY (ADULT): Don't you remember? We were all children again.
WESLEY (ADULT): And it felt strangely liberating.
ANGEL (ADULT): Hey, wait. What are Lindsey and Connor doing here? And Kathy cast that spell on us, didn't she?
KATHY (ADULT): Oops!
Kathy, Connor, and Lindsey run out the door.
SPIKE (ADULT): Should I go catch them?
ANGEL (ADULT): No. Let them go. I'll deal with them later. For right now, I think we all have a bit of a mess to take care of. I seem to remember destroying quite a few things while I was five years old again. Not that it wasn't fun.
Everyone except Harmony and Lorne leaves the room. Lorne sinks to the floor.
HARMONY: Lorne, are you all right?
LORNE: I think I will be. You know, there's one good thing about that whole fiasco.
HARMONY: Yeah? What's that?
LORNE: I probably lost 10 pounds today with all of the running around I had to do.
###############
GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
GUNN and GWEN are relaxing after their unusual day. Gwen, however, has something in particular on her mind, and she attempts to find a good way to broach the subject.
GWEN: Quite a day, wasn't it?
GUNN: You can say that again.
GWEN: Quite a day, wasn't--
GUNN: I was being sarcastic!
GWEN: I knew that. I was just joking. I'm not stupid.
GUNN: Oh.
GWEN: No, I'm really not stupid. In fact, I came up with a great idea that you're going to love. Because it's going to help you retain custody of the twins!
GUNN: What? You know a way for me to keep the girls? What it is?
GWEN: It's easy, and convenient, and I'm perfectly willing to go through with it, and the judge will love it!
GUNN: Well, it sounds great so far. Just tell me what it is.
GWEN: We have to get married!
Silence. Then:
GUNN: What? I must have heard you wrong. I thought you just said that we have to get married.
GWEN: I did say that. Don't you see? Judges love two-parent families. At the moment, you're only a single father. But if we marry, the judge will look at us and see two parents, both willing and able to care for the babies, and that's pretty impressive. It will give you a much better chance of winning your case.
GUNN: You do have a point. I'm surprised I didn't think of this myself.
GWEN: I told you I wasn't stupid.
GUNN: All right, so when do we arrange all this?
GWEN: No time like the present. We need to get married as soon as possible. Tonight or tomorrow.
###############
WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE
(Note: The Justin Timberlake song "Cry Me A River" plays throughout this scene.)
FRED tentatively taps on the door and then steps inside the room. WESLEY, who is sitting behind his desk, looks up and sees her but does not rise. Fred walks up to his desk and stops.
WESLEY: Fred. What are you doing here?
FRED: I wanted to talk to you.
WESLEY: So go ahead. Talk.
FRED: You're not going to make this easy, are you?
WESLEY: Why should I? You haven't made anything easy for me lately.
FRED: Not on purpose. I finally had something really good happen in my life and you didn't support me, and I was hurt. Can you blame me for being upset?
WESLEY: You didn't even talk about it with me. You decided, all on your own, that you were going to enter into this life-altering event. Then, after the fact, you mentioned it to me and expected me to exactly share your feelings. Do you think that was fair to me?
FRED: I guess not, when you put it that way. Look, I'm sorry, all right? I guess I just wasn't used to having to think about someone else's feelings, and so I didn't, and that upset you, and your reaction upset me, and it all snowballed from there, and after it was over I didn't even really know quite how it had started.
WESLEY: Sometimes that can happen, I suppose.
FRED: Anyway. I guess I wanted to tell you that. And I also wanted to thank you for being nice to me today. When we were children, I mean. You know what was really fun? When we broke the photocopier and it almost started on fire!
WESLEY: That was rather amusing, in a very juvenile sort of way.
FRED: Okay, well, goodnight.
WESLEY: Wait, Fred. I'm sorry, too.
FRED: You are?
WESLEY: Yes. My behavior wasn't the best, either. But there's still a wide gap between us, and I don't know if we can ever meet in the middle. I'm very sorry. Probably more sorry than I can ever express.
FRED: I am, too.
Head down, Fred leaves the office alone. Wesley sadly watches her go.
###############
KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
LINDSEY, CONNOR, and KATHY are in the living room.
CONNOR: Now do you understand why magic sucks, Aunt Kathy? It's ruined everything. Your spell backfired, plus Angel knows we're working together. Could things be any worse?
KATHY: I didn't know what would happen. I thought the spell was perfect and it would be a great, quick, easy way to get revenge. What can I say? I was wrong.
LINDSEY: I'm very disappointed in you, Kathy. You wouldn't listen to Connor and me, and you acted like our opinions were of absolutely no importance. I thought we had established a true bond of trust, but now I see I was completely wrong.
CONNOR: I'm going out. I need to get out of here and clear my head.
Connor leaves. The Christina Aguilera song "So Emotional" begins to play in the background.
"You make me high and low, you know
I'm never sure which way you're gonna go"
KATHY: I'm sorry, Lindsey. I'm just not used to being around people I can trust.
LINDSEY: It's more than that with you and me. Do you remember what I told you this morning? That I love you?
KATHY: I remember. I just don't know if I can believe you.
"You're such a mystery to me
But baby, hot or cold you got a hold
Of my imagination
I think you know what I mean"
LINDSEY: When have I ever lied to you? Tell me one time.
KATHY: I can't remember any.
LINDSEY: So why don't you believe me now?
KATHY: You know what my life has been like. You told me you understood.
LINDSEY: I do, but you have to be able to let go of the past and move on.
KATHY: I can't! Stop pressuring me!
Kathy gets up and runs out of the apartment. TRACKING SHOT as she wanders the streets.
"You make me feel so emotional
I can't let go, I'm so emotional
I'm sinking fast into an ocean of you
I'm so emotional"
###############
ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM
ANGEL and SPIKE are sitting on the couch, tired.
SPIKE: What a day.
ANGEL: What a long day.
SPIKE: Sure was. Hey, who was that kid who came into your office? His name was Connor.
ANGEL: Connor? Oh, he wasn't anyone important. Don't worry about him.
SPIKE: He seemed to know you, and he was with your sister. He called her his aunt.
ANGEL: Don't worry about it. I'm more concerned about a lot of other things. Like how much sensitive information we all managed to destroy on our kiddie rampage today.
SPIKE: Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it?
ANGEL: Not exactly the word I had in mind. Exhausting is a better description.
SPIKE: And informative. So, I have a human great-great-great-great niece, do I? It never even occurred to me.
ANGEL: Keep in mind, this Paige girl could be lying about her supposed relationship to you.
SPIKE: What would be the point of that? Besides, she has the same eyes as me, and the cheekbones, and the hair.
ANGEL: You color your hair, Spike.
SPIKE: Even so...
ANGEL: I do agree, though. She probably is related to you. I mean, who would admit to that unless it was true?
Spike hits Angel. Angel shrugs off the blow, which wasn't very hard.
ANGEL: You know I'm right. (He yawns.) Well, I'm going to go get some blood, and then I'm going to bed.
Angel goes into the kitchen. Spike picks up the newspaper and skims the headlines, but there is a knock on the door. He gets up to answer it, then stares in shock. BUFFY is standing outside.
SPIKE: Buffy!
From the kitchen, Angel hears him.
ANGEL: Spike, will you quit saying... (Angel walks back into the living room, looks at the doorway, and sees her.) Buffy.
FADEOUT
VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Faith Hill, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera.
