Angel fic: Cancellation Notice 6/6

[ghost2]

TITLE: Cancellation Notice 6/6
SPOILERS: through "Shells"
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Humor.
See first part for disclaimer, notes.



"The Beginning of the End"


Fresh off of their vacation following the taping of the fifth of the final six episodes, Angel, Lorne, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Fred, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Paige, and Kathy met once more in Angel's office for discussion of the final episode and examination of the script.

Lorne was already there when the others arrived. He was sitting in a corner next to two heaps of letters of about equal size. One was labeled Pile A; the other, Pile B. After everyone sat down, he began, "Everyone have a nice vacation? Good, because we have to buckle down right away. We have bad news and good news. The bad news first: Our overall ratings are only up by 8%."

"After all the work we did to pull off those lousy scenes?" Gunn protested.

"But I think something's changing with our viewership," said Fred. "I went online to a few of the bigger 'Angel' message boards, and the most popular topic was 'Spike is sooooo hot,' with 691 replies. The person who wanted to discuss the thematic elements in 'The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco' only got one response, though."

Angel looked at Lorne. "You said you had good news?"

"Yes, our fan mail is extremely encouraging." As an illustration, Lorne pointed to Pile A, which was topped by a letter written in purple ink and signed with a smiley face.

Wesley looked at Pile B. "If the first pile is the positive response, then what is the second one devoted to?"

"Oh, never mind that one," Lorne said quickly. "It's unimportant."

Wesley reached over and snatched a letter from the top of Pile B. He skimmed it and raised his eyebrows. "My, my. This is what you call unimportant?"

His companions looked on alertly. Lorne sighed and settled back in his chair. "Fine, go ahead; read it to them."

Wesley did so. "It says, 'I've been watching "Angel" since day one, have never missed it, and after seeing the last few episodes I have this to say: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? My formerly favorite show has become a crappy shell of itself. The only thing the current character of Angel has in common with the old one is his name. Are you all on drugs?'"

As soon as Wesley finished reading, Lorne grabbed the letter from him, crumpled it into a ball, and pitched it into the wastebasket. "That guy wrote in last week, too, and I had him checked out then. Turns out his household doesn't have a Nielsen box, which basically means his opinions don't count."

"What's a Nielsen box?" Kathy piped up.

"The official method of measuring television viewership in the U.S., where the viewing habits of several thousands of households are used to represent the patterns of the country as a whole," Lorne rattled off. "If you don't have a Nielsen box or diary in your home, too bad. But Nielsen does have some positive news for us: Our audience of teenage girls has tripled over the past five weeks. And now that we have a chunk of the target audience hooked, we have to keep them. Script six is the key. We're building up to a big finish complete with huge cliffhangers involving every single character that will force the network to renew us for next season."

"Lorne?" Fred said tentatively. "Don't take this the wrong way, but what if, for some strange reason, we don't get renewed? Won't the fans be mad that we left things up in the air? Shouldn't we work on resolving stories instead?"

"No, because it's more fun to be childish and spit in TPTB's faces than it is to reward our loyal viewers by giving them a graceful ending. Haven't you learned that by now?"

"We all talked about this possibility," said Gunn, indicating Spike, Wesley, Fred, and Angel. "And we agreed. None of us will play out a death scene, so scratch that idea."

"Death scene?" Lorne cried. "Wherever did you get that foolish idea? No, no, no. When I say cliffhanger, I mean cliffhanger of the emotional sort. Not cliffhanger involving mortal peril. There's a no-kill mandate for the season finale. Rest easy."

One by one, Fred, Gunn, Angel, Wesley, and Spike relaxed. "So if you aren't going to kill any of us off, what do you plan?" Spike asked.

"Gunn and Gwen's wedding, the trial for custody of the twins, the epic love triangle of Angel/Buffy/Spike, Lindsey's efforts to stop Kathy from getting revenge on Angel, Wesley and Fred's attempts at reconciliation, the mayoral election, and Paige and Connor falling in love," Lorne rattled off. "Plus, of course, my own weight-loss struggle, culminating in a check of the scale to see if I met my goal. Very exciting stuff!"

Angel looked around the room. "Speaking of Buffy, where is she?"

Right on cue, Buffy swept in. "What did I miss? Anything important?"

"No, just our usual pre-script complaints," Spike filled her in. "The real bitching comes when we actually lay eyes on our ridiculous scenes and can't believe the crap we're asked to do."

"Which is coming right about now," Lorne picked up, as Harmony entered with a stack of scripts.


***

EPISODE: "A Big Finish"

TEASER
Clips: Leaves changing color and falling off of trees. A fading sunset. The closing credits of a film. A college graduation ceremony. The last bite of chocolate cake being eaten.

VOICE-OVER. Narration by LORNE.
A wise person whose name I don't remember and can't tell you because I'm too lazy to look it up once said, "All good things must come to an end." How true that is. The ends of seasons, and of lifetimes, and of days, and of good books, and of television shows, and of so many other things. Well, tonight you will witness an ending you never wanted to see arrive, but because of some money-grubbing bas--ahem, individuals who value money over quality, you are about to see the final moments of the adventures of Angel, Spike, Gunn, Wesley, Fred, Lorne, Lindsey, Harmony, Gwen, Kathy, Paige, Connor, Tia, Mia, Lucky, and anyone else I forgot. Enjoy! By the way, in case you just happen to want to send any comments such as, say, ranting complaints about our completely unfair and untimely cancellation, the WB's address is 4000 Warner Blvd., Burbank, CA 91505.

FADE IN.

ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM

ANGEL and SPIKE stare in shock at BUFFY, who is standing in the doorway.

SPIKE: What are you doing here?

BUFFY: What do you think? Andrew told me all about your incredible resurrection and return from the clutches of fiery death. I can't believe you didn't come to me yourself. What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all?

SPIKE: It was complicated. I didn't feel comfortable just dropping back into your life after you thought I was gone forever. When I came back, I was here at Wolfram & Hart and things happened. Lots of things, including ones I never expected. (Spike finishes with a sidelong glance at Angel.)

BUFFY: You still should have told me. I mean, you had to know I'd find out the truth eventually, and why would you want to hide it from me in the first place? I just don't understand it. Of course, I'm incredibly glad you're back.

SPIKE: Does this mean you're not mad at me?

BUFFY: I didn't say that. But I'm definitely happy that you're not dead after all.

Buffy steps forward and hugs Spike. After she releases him, he speaks again.

SPIKE: So where's Dawn? Did she come with you? How is she?

BUFFY: She's fine. She's visiting with Willow and Kennedy in Brazil. She doesn't know about you yet. I wanted to make absolutely sure you were really back before I told her. She couldn't take being disappointed if Andrew turned out to be misleading me. I don't think I could have taken it. (She steps back and looks around the penthouse.) So, Spike, what are you doing in Angel's place? I thought you two can't stand the sight of each other.

Angel and Spike exchange awkward glances. Buffy looks from one to the other, clearly puzzled.

BLACKOUT. END TEASER.

###############

GUNN'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM

GUNN is getting dressed. (Get good, long SHIRTLESS shot.) He looks very nervous.

GUNN: I have to remember to give the judge all the statistics I looked up last night. If I forget any of them, it could harm my case beyond repair. And I need to emphasize the fact that I have a significant support network, which extends to--

There is a knocking on the door. Gunn finishes getting dressed.

GUNN: Yeah?

GWEN: (from outside) I just gave the girls their bottles. They look like they want to take a nap now.

Gunn goes over to the door and opens it.

GUNN: Great, thanks. Look, I have to go tell my friends what's going on with our engagement and the kids, and look up some more facts about custody cases. I'll try to be quick.

GWEN: Take your time. We should be fine.

GUNN: Thanks. Oh, and also, thanks again for coming up with the idea of us getting married to help me keep the girls.

GWEN: You're one of the only friends I've ever had. Anything I can do to help you, I will. Good luck!

Gunn leaves, muttering facts and figures as he goes.

###############

ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM

BUFFY is sitting on the couch now. SPIKE is on a chair next to her, while ANGEL stands nearby.

SPIKE: Buffy, a lot has happened since I came back. It's going to be hard for you to understand it all and you might not believe it at first.

BUFFY: It's all right, Spike. I know the truth. I know about you being a ghost first and then becoming corporeal again. Why do you think that would bother me? I've seen much stranger things than that. It isn't so weird.

ANGEL: (steps closer, next to Spike) Being a ghost isn't what Spike was talking about. He meant something very different. Something I almost couldn't comprehend myself, at first. But then something very big happened, and I was forced to accept the truth.

BUFFY: You guys are scaring me now. You have no idea how bizarre it is to see you getting along. What are you talking about?

SPIKE: You know that Angel is my grandsire and we ran around Europe together terrorizing people for a couple decades after I was turned. We had a special relationship from the start. Then he got his soul back and left me.

BUFFY: Right. After Angel was cursed, you and he couldn't stand each other. You were evil and he was good. I saw how much you hated each other, firsthand.

ANGEL: There's a thin line between love and hate. We definitely did have very strong feelings toward each other all along. Then Spike regained his own soul and appeared in my office as a ghost, and then he got his body back, and then something even more monumental happened. Spike realized that he--well, that he....

SPIKE: (takes Angel's hand in his, faces Buffy) I realized that I was in love with Angel, and he realized that he loved me, too. That's what I was trying to tell you, Buffy. That Angel and I are together now.

There is silence for a good several seconds. Then Buffy bursts into laughter.

BUFFY: That's a good one. You two had me going for a minute there, but no one could believe that story. Tell me the truth--I can take it.

Angel and Spike simply stare at her. Slowly, Buffy's smile fades.

###############

KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

CONNOR, KATHY, and LINDSEY are having a discussion.

KATHY: All right, so my spell didn't have quite the effect I expected on Angel, but I'm not giving up yet. There's got to be something I can do to take him down for good. Another spell would do it!

CONNOR: Magic is junk. Didn't you learn from experience? The spell didn't work at all like you thought it would. There are better ways of getting what you want than by using magic. It's a mistake to rely on it so heavily. It hardly ever works out the way you think it will and then you're just stuck with a bigger problem than you started with. Look at us: Before you tried that dumb spell, Angel didn't know we were working together. He didn't have a clue that I was in town or that Lindsey was around. But now he does know, and I'm sure he's plotting against us as I speak.

LINDSEY: Connor's right. The spell was a disaster.

CONNOR: I've been thinking about things a lot since then, and I've decided that maybe getting revenge on Angel isn't such a great idea. I should move on with my life and look for positive things instead of trying to ruin someone else's existence. I don't want any part of more schemes against Angel or anyone else. Count me out!

KATHY: Connor, I need your support. You're my only family except Angel. I thought I could count on you.

CONNOR: You can. Just not for that stuff. No magic and no revenge.

KATHY: Why is everyone turning on me? I thought you were both on my side. I trusted you with my deepest secrets and my innermost feelings. I should have known better. The only one I've ever been able to trust is myself. When you rely on the empty promises of others, you are doomed to disappointment. I've been around long enough. I should have thoroughly learned that lesson before now.

LINDSEY: No, don't blame yourself for anything. Connor and I haven't turned on you. We've just begun to see things from a different perspective. You can't expect others to agree with you 100% of the time. Life would be very boring if they did. Differences of opinion and varying viewpoints are important so that our society doesn't become dull and predictable, never moving forward and improving.

KATHY: Whatever. I can't take the atmosphere in here anymore. I'm going out to kill something.

Kathy leaves. Lindsey turns to Connor.

LINDSEY: What does it take to get through to her?

CONNOR: That, I don't know, but I hope you figure it out. I'm going out, too. I have someone to meet.

Connor smiles mysteriously.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - HARMONY'S DESK

HARMONY is filing papers. LORNE walks by her desk. Harmony looks up and spots him.
HARMONY: Hey! Lorne!

Lorne goes over to her.
LORNE: Yes, sweetie? What is it?

HARMONY: You look so good! I'm sure you've lost weight. Have you been on a diet?

LORNE: Indeed I have. The Atkins diet has worked wonders for my physique. No more junk food and fattening garbage for me. I'm eating healthy all the time now, and the results are obvious. The weight has simply melted away. It can be difficult at times, attempting to follow the restrictions, but the reward is ultimately worth the effort.

HARMONY: Have you reached your target weight yet?

LORNE: How interesting that you should ask that. As a matter of fact, tomorrow is a very big day! Tomorrow is the day I check to see if I have met my goal. I'm sure I'm very close to it right now, but I certainly hope I made it all the way down. After all, I've worked quite hard and to fall short at this point would be extremely disappointing.

HARMONY: Well, good luck!

LORNE: Thank you so much. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Lorne walks away. As he goes down the corridor, we see that the enthusiasm he showed Harmony was an act. Lorne is really quite concerned that he may not have achieved the desired results.

###############

ANGEL'S PENTHOUSE - LIVING ROOM

BUFFY is still sitting on the couch, staring into space. She looks stunned. ANGEL and SPIKE are both standing in front of her, concerned.

BUFFY: I can't believe it. I really can't believe it. Somehow, both of the loves of my life have turned out to be gay. Is it something about me?

SPIKE: Actually, pet, we're not gay. We're bisexual.

BUFFY: And that's supposed to make me feel better?

SPIKE: Well, yeah. It means our feelings for you were genuine and not just us being in denial or something.

ANGEL: That's right, Buffy. I truly loved you. My feelings for you were no less strong than my feelings for Spike are. How could they be? We were going to be together forever. That was the whole point. But it just didn't work out.

BUFFY: You can't possibly love Spike as much as you loved me. In fact, I have proof. If you did love him that much, you would have experienced perfect happiness by now and lost your soul again. Well, I don't see Angelus anywhere in this room. Do either of you? No Angelus equals no perfect happiness equals less Spike love than Buffy love.

ANGEL: Buffy, didn't Willow tell you? I thought she might have.

BUFFY: Tell me what?

ANGEL: Last year, when I lost my soul and Willow came to town to restore it, she altered the curse and removed the perfect-happiness clause. The specter of Angelus no longer hovers over me. I am free to love and be loved as much as I want, which is what most of us aspire to with every fiber of our being. I own Willow a tremendous debt of gratitude, and I can only hope to one day repay her.

SPIKE: Yeah, I owe Willow a debt too. It's only because of her that I'm able to be with Angel and not Angelus.

BUFFY: I guess I'm the only one who doesn't owe her. I mean, it's too bad she couldn't have fixed things a few years ago. Then Angel would never have had to leave me to begin with.

SPIKE: And you never would have fallen in love with me, is that it? Do you wish we'd never been together? Are you saying you loved Angel more than you loved me?

ANGEL: Are you asking Buffy to pick between us?

SPIKE: Yeah, I guess I am. Come on, luv, fess up: If you could have either me or Angel as we stand right now, who would you want?

BUFFY: I can't choose. I love you both.

ANGEL: Love? Present tense?

BUFFY: Yes, okay? Yes! I love you, Angel, and you, Spike! And I'm not ashamed of it!

For a moment, no one speaks. Then Spike does.

SPIKE: What a mess. I have to admit, I love both of you, too.

ANGEL: So do I.

SPIKE: So what do we do now?

BUFFY: We have to pick.

ANGEL: How? There are three of us. That's an uneven number.

SPIKE: No, we couldn't tell that.

BUFFY: I can't choose! You two have to decide which one of you will be with me.

ANGEL: I want to be with you, Buffy, but I also love Spike.

SPIKE: Same here. I mean, I also love Angel. Not that I don't love myself as well.

ANGEL: I guess we're at an impasse.

Suddenly, Buffy notices that the curtains are open, and both Angel and Spike are exposed to sunlight. (NOTE DELIBERATE CONTINUITY ERROR. Previous episode ended at night; this one takes place during daylight for plot purposes. Viewers will either not notice or not care.)

BUFFY: Why aren't you two on fire? Don't tell me you're human now, too. I don't know how many more surprises I can take.

In unison, Angel and Spike flash their Gem of Amara rings at her.

ANGEL: I never destroyed the Gem of Amara. Spike found it, split it in two, kept one half for himself, and gave the other one to me.

BUFFY: So now you two are invulnerable to pesky little things like stakings and sunlight. That's convenient. I guess I don't have to worry about booking a nighttime flight back to Rome. You do know one of you is coming with me, don't you?

Spike and Angel look at each other, then back at Buffy.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR

ANGEL is showing BUFFY around the place. He points to his office door.

ANGEL: That's my office over there, and that--

GUNN walks up.

GUNN: Hey, boss! I have big news for you.

ANGEL: Gunn, there's someone I want you to meet. Charles Gunn, this is Buffy Summers.

GUNN: Buffy? The Buffy? Wow. Never thought I'd get to set eyes on you in the flesh, but it's definitely a pleasure.

BUFFY: Nice to meet you, too. I hear you've been a great friend to Angel.

GUNN: We have been through a lot together. Speaking of which, there's something I want Angel to go through with me tomorrow. I'm getting married to Gwen Raiden then.

ANGEL: What? Why?

GUNN: I don't blame you for being surprised. So was I when Gwen proposed to me. But she pointed out that being married could really boost my chances in the custody trial for the twins, and I need every inch of advantage I can get. We were going to get married the same night Gwen proposed but we decided it would be better to take a little time to put together a nice ceremony and invite our friends. Angel, you'll come, right? And Buffy, you're invited, too. I hope you both come.

ANGEL: Of course I'll be there for you.

BUFFY: And I'll be happy to attend, too. By the way, if you haven't picked a song for your first dance yet, I'd like to suggest "Wind Beneath My Wings."

GUNN: Okay, thanks. Um, here's the location and time. (He hands Angel a card.)

Gunn continues on his way. Angel and Buffy look at each other.

BUFFY: I guess we're going to a wedding tomorrow. This should be interesting.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART ENTRANCE - EXTERIOR

CONNOR is lurking outside, watching as people and demons enter and leave the building. He comes to attention as PAIGE, wearing a purple leotard, nears. Connor steps in front of her, causing her to stop walking. Paige looks at him.

CONNOR: You don't know me, but--

PAIGE: But I do know you, kind of. You were here when Angel's sister cast the spell on all of us that transformed us into children. You were a very amusing five-year-old.

CONNOR: Thanks. So were you. My name is Connor, and I'm Angel's son.

PAIGE: I'm Paige. I didn't know Angel has a son.

CONNOR: That's because he tried to cover up my existence. He played with people's memories, including my own. Luckily, I regained my memories, with absolutely no help from my loser of a dad.

PAIGE: It sounds like Angel behaved very badly toward you, though of course there are two sides to every story and I don't like to be judgmental. I'm sure that Angel thought he was doing the right thing even if it turned out otherwise.

CONNOR: Maybe. Anyway, I realized that I came back to town for a special reason. I wasn't destined to get revenge on my father. Instead, I was meant to meet you. You might find this hard to believe, but the moment I set eyes on you, I knew. We are meant to be together. It was love at first sight. Kind of like "Romeo and Juliet."

PAIGE: That is so sweet. I have to admit, even though I barely know you, I also feel a special connection between us. I've never felt this way about anyone else before.

CONNOR: It's fate. I never believed in it while I was growing up but I do now, with all of my heart.

PAIGE: I think I do, too.

Connor and Paige smile at each other.

CONNOR: Hey, you want to hang out with me today?

PAIGE: I'm supposed to work. But somehow, I think spending time with you is more important. Give me a minute to call in sick.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - WESLEY'S OFFICE

The door is open. WESLEY is behind his desk, skimming a passage in an old book. FRED tentatively taps on the door. Wesley looks up and sees her. He immediately sets the book aside. Fred advances into the room.

FRED: Hi, I don't want to bother you but I thought you should know that Gwen asked me to be maid of honor at the wedding and I know you're going to be best man. I haven't given her my answer yet. I wanted to talk to you first. I don't want things to be awkward for us. I mean, if you're not comfortable with me taking part in the ceremony, just say so and I'll tell Gwen I can't do it.

WESLEY: Oh. No, no, don't do that. It isn't my day to decide. If you want to be there for Gunn and Gwen, you should be. It's perfectly fine with me. I can handle it.

FRED: Are you sure? I wouldn't do it except Gwen doesn't really have any friends in town and if I refuse, I don't know who else she could ask.

WESLEY: Yes, I'm sure. We're both adults. We can get past any awkwardness that may or may not arise.

There is an uncomfortable silence, during which Wesley and Fred just stare at each other. Eventually, Fred smiles shakily.

FRED: Great, I'll see you at the wedding, then. Bye.

She turns and hurries away.

WESLEY: What just happened?

###############

KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

LINDSEY has just finished exercising. (The usual SHIRTLESS SHOTS ensue.)

LINDSEY: I need to find a way to get through to Kathy. Connor, at least, has been reasonable, so that's something. I just wish I had half as much success with Kathy. I need to get her to talk and tell me what she wants. If I can give it to her, she'll have to trust me. I know it!

He sits down, lost in thought.

###############

OUTDOORS, VARIOUS PARTS OF LOS ANGELES

Time for another MUSIC MONTAGE, set to the Corrs' "Breathless." CONNOR and PAIGE are exploring the city and getting to know each other. Begin with them in a park, feeding bread crusts to ducks.

"The daylight's fading slowly
The time with you is standing still
I'm waiting for you only
The slightest touch and I feel weak"

CUT TO: Connor and Paige wandering around a museum, hand in hand.

"I cannot lie
From you I cannot hide
And I'm losing the will to try
Can't hide it, can't fight it"

CUT TO: Paige and Connor riding a merry-go-round.

"So go on, go on
Come on
Leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss
Go on, go on"

CUT TO: Connor and Paige in a photo booth, making faces and posing for the camera.

"And if there's no tomorrow
And all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you
You're all the love I need"

CUT TO: Paige/Connor eating ice-cream cones as they watch children playing.

"Somehow it's like a dream
Although I'm not asleep
I never want to wake up
Don't lose it, don't leave me"

CUT TO: Connor and Paige playing tag.

"So go on, go on
Come on
Leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me
Until I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss"

CUT TO: Connor and Paige kissing on a pier.

"Go on, go on
Come on
Leave me breathless
Go on, go on
Come on
Leave me breathless
Go on, Go on
Leave me breathless
Go on ... Go on"

###############

(THE NEXT DAY)
MONTAGE

ANGEL, SPIKE, WESLEY, GUNN getting changed for wedding. Lots of tasteful nudity, as much as the censors will allow.

###############

CHURCH

Everyone has gathered for GUNN and GWEN's wedding. The ceremony begins; music plays; bride walks down the aisle, etc. Everyone is in position at the altar. WESLEY as best man, FRED as maid of honor. Guests are SPIKE and ANGEL (with BUFFY sitting between them), HARMONY, LORNE, PAIGE, and several random Wolfram & Hart EMPLOYEES. From the other end of the church, a DOG barks. Everyone turns to look. LUCKY is standing there, with a box tied to his collar. He proceeds down the aisle and stops in front of Gunn. Gunn unties the box, opens it, and displays the contents to the crowd. The rings are inside.

HARMONY: Wasn't that adorable? Lucky was the ring-bearer. I've never seen anything cuter in my whole life.

Lorne moves Lucky out of the way, and the ceremony proceeds. As it goes on, Wesley and Fred keep sneaking looks at each other. Buffy, meanwhile, is holding Angel's left hand and Spike's right hand. Very convenient, as she had made sure to seat herself between them. Spike and Angel aren't sure what to make of the situation and look vaguely uncomfortable but unable to move or question Buffy at this point.

Wedding ceremony proceeds, finishes. Gunn and Gwen are pronounced husband and wife, etc. Finally it's over. Harmony looks delighted. The others are mostly just relieved. The reception remains.

###############

RECEPTION HALL

GUNN and GWEN's wedding reception is taking place. As Buffy suggested, "Wind Beneath My Wings" is the first song. Everyone who was at the wedding is present, as well as additional Wolfram & Hart employees. BUFFY, ANGEL, and SPIKE are standing together.

BUFFY: I'd love to dance.

At that moment, several random PEOPLE walk past. Angel is pushed next to Buffy, while Spike is moved away by the crowd. Buffy turns and sees that only Angel is close to her.

BUFFY: I guess I can see which one of you is more interested in me. Come on.

She grabs Angel's hand and pulls him onto the dance floor.

Meanwhile, WESLEY and FRED are dancing together.

WESLEY: How is your mayoral campaign proceeding? Satisfactorily? I certainly hope so, seeing that the election is tomorrow, if I remember correctly.

FRED: Yes, it is. I think I have a good chance of winning. Polls show that my main opponent and I are running neck and neck. With one more big promotional push, I could gain the momentum I need to win. It's very exciting.

WESLEY: Oh. Well, I'm happy for you.

FRED: No, you're not.

WESLEY: I'm trying to be. It is hard, though.

FRED: I know. It's hard for me, too. Sometimes I wish I'd never set eyes on that newspaper article that convinced me to enter the race. It ruined our relationship, possibly beyond repair. Even if I do become mayor, I'll always regret our breakup.

WESLEY: Really? But we don't necessarily have to be over, you know. The fact that we are able to talk rationally about this subject is a great improvement. My feelings for you haven't changed, and I hope yours remain the same for me.

FRED: They do. I didn't suddenly become a different person when I entered the election. I just emphasized different aspects of myself. I realized I can be a force for good in this world, and I embraced that possibility with open arms.

WESLEY: I understand that now. At the time, though, it was more difficult to see.

FRED: So you really do still love me?

WESLEY: I never stopped.

Across the dance floor, Gunn and Gwen are watching Wesley and Fred.

GWEN: Hey, it looks like Fred and Wes are getting along better again.

GUNN: That's good to see. I was very worried about them. They belong together, and I thought they might not realize it in time to salvage their relationship. That would have been wrong.

GWEN: Let's hope they both move forward now, together.

Nearby, we see Angel dancing with Buffy. Spike, leaning against the wall, watches jealously. Angel casts him a helpless look but does not attempt to get away from Buffy. Spike, disgusted, straightens up and stalks away without a backward glance. Angel sadly watches him go. Buffy misses the entire exchange. The dance goes on.

###############

KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

LINDSEY is watching TV when the door opens and KATHY storms in, clutching a severed demon head that is dripping slime. She slings it onto the coffee table.

LINDSEY: I'd say something about the mess but it's your security deposit, not mine.

KATHY: I don't care about anything anymore. Why should I? Life is so unfair. It isn't right that Angel gets to sit up there running Wolfram & Hart while I'm stuck as a lowly halpir.

LINDSEY: Things aren't so bad. You still have Connor and me. Remember, I love you.

KATHY: I don't believe you.

LINDSEY: How can I prove it? What do I have to do?

KATHY: If you don't know, I can't tell you.

Kathy leaves the room. Lindsey stays behind and muses.

LINDSEY: Wolfram & Hart, huh? Well, if Kathy wants Wolfram & Hart, I'll just have to get it for her.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - SPIKE'S OFFICE

SPIKE is lounging around watching TV when there is a knock on the door. He doesn't bother to turn the set off or even pretend to be working while he watches.

SPIKE: Come in!

PAIGE enters, with CONNOR behind her.

PAIGE: Uncle William, there's someone I want you to meet. He's very important to me even though I've only known him a very short time, and I hope you approve of him. This is Connor.

SPIKE: Hey, you're the kid who was here with Angel's sister when she turned us all into children.

CONNOR: I'm not a kid.

SPIKE: If you say so. So how do you know Paige?

CONNOR: I saw her when I was outside the building one day and I instantly knew we were meant to be together. When she met me, she felt the same way. It's fate. She asked me to come and meet you since you're her only relative in town.

SPIKE: Speaking of relatives, you called Kathy your aunt.

CONNOR: She is.

SPIKE: How can she be? Angel didn't have any brothers or sisters except for Kathy.

CONNOR: You mean Angel didn't tell you?

SPIKE: Tell me what?

CONNOR: Angel is my father. You may find this hard to believe, but the truth often is. He and Darla were able to conceive a child--me. I grew up in another dimension where time moves differently and then I returned her. Angel had all memories of me wiped out and sent me to live with another family, but I finally got my memories back and returned to Los Angeles to get revenge on him. Only I've decided that revenge is for the weak and the spiteful, so I want no part of it now.

SPIKE: Angel has a son, and he didn't tell me?

CONNOR: If you don't believe me, ask Angel for the truth. See if he tries to lie to your face. That will tell you what kind of vampire he is.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL'S OFFICE

ANGEL is reading some papers. The telephone rings.

ANGEL: Hello?

VOICE: This is security. We caught a man entering the building who I think you'll want to see.

ANGEL: All right. Bring him up to my office.

Angel hangs up the phone and moves the papers aside. A moment later, there is a knock on the door.

ANGEL: Come in!

The door opens. Two security GUARDS enter with LINDSEY, who is not resisting them. Angel looks at Lindsey in surprise and addresses the guards.

ANGEL: You can leave him alone with me. We won't have any trouble.

GUARD #1: Yes, sir.

The guards move Lindsey into the middle of the room and then leave, closing the door behind them.

LINDSEY: Angel. We meet again.

ANGEL: Why were you trying to sneak in? You should have known you'd be caught. Security has orders to keep a lookout for you and various other unwanted visitors.

LINDSEY: I didn't try to sneak in. I came openly. Ask your guards and they'll tell you that I walked straight up to the front door without any attempt to hide or any type of disguise. I wanted to talk to you.

ANGEL: Ever hear of a telephone?

LINDSEY: Face to face is better. This way, you can't hang up on me. And before you say it, I know you can throw me out, but I don't think you want to do that. I think you're curious and you want to hear what I have to say.

ANGEL: All right, so why do you want to see me? It's not like we're friends.

LINDSEY: I thought we could discuss making a deal that would benefit both of us. Hear me out before you say no.

ANGEL: It'll have to be an awfully great deal to get me to say anything except no.

LINDSEY: I'm aware of that, but things do change. Just listen. I think you'll agree with what I have to say.

ANGEL: I'm not so sure about that. I have a lot of problems with you, including the fact that you've corrupted my dear, sweet sister.

LINDSEY: I didn't have to make much of an effort there. You started the process a good 250 years ago. You have no one to blame for Kathy's existence and attitude except yourself.

ANGEL: Is that what you came here to tell me? Because if it, you can leave now.

LINDSEY: No, there's more I want to say. Angel, you aren't suited to running Wolfram & Hart. You know you aren't. It was a mistake from the beginning. You should go back to being a private detective in that hotel, saving one person at a time. You have to return to the basics or you'll lose sight of who and what you really are.

ANGEL: And I left Wolfram & Hart, who would run it?

LINDSEY: That's easy: Me.

ANGEL: Why am I not surprised? I've definitely heard enough. I want you out of here.

LINDSEY: If you change your mind, here's my cell-phone number. (He places a piece of paper on Angel's desk.) I'll be waiting for your call.

ANGEL: Then you'll be waiting a very long time.

LINDSEY: We'll see which one of us is right.

###############

COURTHOUSE

GUNN and GWEN are holding the TWINS.

GUNN: I can't believe this is. The time has come. If we lose today, it's all over.

GWEN: Try to think positively. We won't lose!

GUNN: I wish you could guarantee that.

GWEN: So do I.

GUNN and GWEN don't notice, but the girls' eyes begin to glow mysteriously.

###############

ANGEL'S OFFICE

(NOTE: Faith Hill's "Breathe" plays softly throughout this scene.)

ANGEL is sitting behind his desk, signing papers. SPIKE storms in through the front door.

SPIKE: Angel, why did you lie to me? I found out the truth about Connor. You knew all along and you kept it from me. Even when I asked if you knew him, you lied, right to my face. How do you justify that?

ANGEL: I don't know. I mean, how did you find out? I mean, I really wish you hadn't. Not this way, anyway.

SPIKE: Anyone who could keep such a huge secret from me can't really love me. Not truly. This proves you lied about your feelings for me.

ANGEL: Spike, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about Connor before.

SPIKE: No. I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses. You obviously don't care about me. I think you ought to just go and be with Buffy instead. I want nothing more to do with you.

Spike turns and stalks away, out the door and down the corridor. Angel runs into the corridor after him and stops.

ANGEL: Spike! Spike! (He pauses, then tries again.) William!

Spike doesn't even hesitate. He continues on, out of sight. Angel's shoulders slump and his head droops as he turns and walks back into the office.

###############

FRED'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS

It is the big day. The mayoral election is taking place. FRED, quite a few SUPPORTERS, and WESLEY are gathered at headquarters. There is a general mood of excitement, plus lots of "Vote for Fred" signs, bumper stickers, hats, buttons, etc.

FRED: Oh, I'm so nervous I can hardly stand it. I don't know how I'll ever get through today. My heart's going a mile a minute. Feel! (She grabs Wesley's hand and makes him feel, then realizes what she's doing, blushes, and lets go.) Sorry. I didn't mean to be presumptuous.

WESLEY: It's all right. I understand. I imagine you feel rather the way I did after I became a Watcher and went to meet my Slayer. It was a defining moment in my life. Of course, I managed to completely bungle the experience, but I imagine you'll fare somewhat better than me. As you pointed out, you are smarter than I am.

FRED: I can't apologize enough times for being so rude and insensitive. You have a lot of wonderful traits. Like, you're more forgiving than I am, because you let me off the hook for calling you stupid.

WESLEY: Fred, what--

Wesley is interrupted as a CAMPAIGN WORKER comes over and addresses Fred.

WORKER: We just got some information about voting results in the northern sector. Come and see!

Fred hesitates and looks at Wesley.

WESLEY: It's fine. Go right ahead.

FRED: Thanks!

Fred goes away, leaving Wesley to look bored and awkward while he waits for her to return. She does, very quickly.

FRED: This isn't good. It isn't good at all.

WESLEY: What isn't?

FRED: I'm losing! I know it's early, but I'm already losing and I don't know what to do!

WESLEY: Fred, calm down. You told me yourself, polls showed that the northern sector isn't a strong area for you. When votes come in from other areas of the city, you'll pull ahead. I'm sure of it.

FRED: I wish I could be as confident as you.

WESLEY: I believe in you.

FRED: That's so sweet. But I need more than just sweetness from you now. I need something concrete. I need a real show of support.

WESLEY: What do you mean?

FRED: I mean that I need your vote. You have to throw one my way and help me win this election. You said you loved me. If you meant that, you'll do this for me.

WESLEY: Yes. Yes, I certainly did mean it. I suppose I had better go quickly, then.

Wesley goes to kiss Fred, but another worker runs up and interrupts.

WORKER: Fred, you have an urgent phone call. Here!

Fred accepts a cell phone from the woman and gives Wesley an apologetic look. He nods and walks away, looking uncertain.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL' S OFFICE

BUFFY enters without knocking, to see ANGEL staring into space, looking morose.

BUFFY: Is something wrong?

ANGEL: Spike and I had an argument, and we broke up.

BUFFY: Oh, that's too bad. But does that mean what I think it means? (Buffy holds up two plane tickets to Rome.) One of these tickets is for me. The other is for either you or Spike. Who's it going to be?

###############

LORNE'S PENTHOUSE - BEDROOM

LORNE, wearing a bathrobe, is preparing for his big weigh-in. Slowly, he moves a scale to the center of the room, positions it on the floor, and stares at it.

LORNE: I've never more nervous about anything in my life. This is the big moment, and now that it's arrived, I find that I almost can't face it.

He paces across the room and back before stopping and turning to face the scale again.

LORNE: I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I can be a success.

He shrugs off his robe and stands before the scale. LINGERING SHOT of Lorne's new physique, waist up only. He looks very buff. The Atkins diet did indeed work for him. But the big question is, did it work well enough? Lorne takes a deep breath, steps on the scale, and looks down toward the read-out. CUT before he sees what it displays.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - ANGEL' S OFFICE

ANGEL is brooding. He looks down at his desk and notices the piece of paper Lindsey left earlier that contains the telephone number. He picks it up and frowns. Then Angel reaches for the telephone and dials the number.

ANGEL: Hello, Lindsey? I've decided to take you up on your offer. There's nothing left for me in Los Angeles anymore.

###############

KATHY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

LINDSEY is just finishing the phone call with Angel. He ends the conversation and puts his phone down. KATHY enters the room at this point.

LINDSEY: Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be.

KATHY: What was quicker? Me coming back?

LINDSEY: No. The phone call. I have a surprise for you and I guarantee you're going to love it. Just let me go out and get a few things set up first. Promise you won't leave while I'm gone.

KATHY: You've made me curious, so I suppose I'll wait unless something better turns up.

LINDSEY: Trust me, nothing could be better than what I have in store for you.

Kathy's curiosity is clearly piqued.

###############

COURTROOM

GUNN is on the stand, prepared to plead his case for custody of the twins.

JUDGE: Go ahead, Mr. Gunn. Let's hear what you have to say.

GUNN: (clears his throat) Love comes in all forms. As you can see, my wife Gwen and I are very committed to sharing our lives with these two precious babies. We could not be happier to have them in our lives. The thought that they could be torn from our loving arms at any second chills us to the bone. We want their aunt and uncle to be part of their lives. They should grow up knowing that they have many people who love them and want to watch out their welfare. But Gwen and I should be allowed to raise them. The girls know us and love us, and they don't want to leave our home. I'm sure if they could talk, they would tell you that themselves. Please, don't break apart our little family. I beg you to heed my plea and let us stay together.

JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Gunn. You may step down. I'll begin deliberations now.

Gunn joins GWEN and the babies over in one of the pews as the judge leaves.

GUNN: How do you think it went?

GWEN: You were very eloquent, but who can say what the judge will think?

MR. ZHAO, the twins' uncle, approaches.

MR. ZHAO: You spoke well, but you know you can't win the case. Those children belong with my wife and me. You should have simply given them to us in the beginning and spared yourselves the pain of going through legal proceedings you are destined to lose. In fact, I think--

He abruptly stops talking, because he has just noticed that his feet have left the ground and he is hovering in the air. In fact, Mr. Zhao is rising, though obviously not of his own will.

MR. ZHAO: What's going on? Who's doing this to me?

MRS. ZHAO and Gwen jump up and grab Mr. Zhao's arms to try to help pull him down. Gunn looks at the twins. They are staring at Mr. Zhao with intent expressions, their eyes glowing. Gunn becomes suspicious.

GUNN: Hey! Are you two doing something to that poor man?

The babies look at Gunn. Their eyes stop glowing, and Mr. Zhao drops back to the floor.

GUNN: What is going on here?

The Zhaos are confused and upset. Gwen and Gunn exchange glances, then look at the babies again.

###############

STREET

SPIKE is walking along, upset, not really paying attention to where he's going. He bumps into a WOMAN and stops.

SPIKE: Watch where you're going!

WOMAN: Uncle William?

We see now that the woman is PAIGE. She is holding a bag that contains objects such as crumpled soda cans and plastic bottles.

SPIKE: Oh, it's you.

PAIGE: Is something wrong, Uncle William?

SPIKE: Yeah, everything.

Spike begins walking again. Paige falls into step beside him. She scans the ground and stoops to pick up a loose newspaper and an empty soda can, both of which she places in her bag.

PAIGE: I wish more people would make an attempt to recycle and conserve our resources. Besides, littering is such an eyesore. Look at all of these disfiguring cigarette butts, for instance, polluting the landscape of our existence. But I don't think that's what's bothering you, Uncle William. You look like you have other concerns on your mind.

SPIKE: Angel lied to me. He misled me and didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth about a vitally important chapter in his life.

PAIGE: Maybe he wanted to but he was afraid of how you would react. Considering your behavior right now, he might have been right to conceal the truth from you.

SPIKE: He'd rather be with Buffy than with me anyway. He wouldn't stop dancing with her at that stupid wedding. Didn't even stop to think about how I felt, being on the outside looking in. Shut out, while he and Buffy picked up again. And then there's Buffy! She chose Angel over me. I always knew she loved him more than she loved me, but it hurts when they don't even try to hide it and they show it off in public. I've lost both of them.

PAIGE: I think you're wrong. I've seen the way they both look at you. Has either of them actually told you directly that they don't want to be with you?

SPIKE: Well, no. You might have a point there.

PAIGE: Of course I do. Go to them. Talk this out. Tell them you don't want to be alone. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

SPIKE: Thanks, Paige!

Spike dashes off. Paige continues on her way, picking up more recyclable materials and adding them to her bag. We TRACK Spike as he runs up to the front door of W&H and reaches for it. However, his hand bounces off of an invisible barrier. He tries again; same result.

SPIKE: What's going on? I can't be uninvited, so why can't I get inside?

Something stirs in the shadows nearby. Spike whirls to see HARMONY huddled there.

SPIKE: What happened to this place? Why are you out here instead of in there?

HARMONY: Look. (She points to a small card on the door that reads "Under New Management.") None of us work here anymore. Angel decided to move to Rome, and he didn't even give any notice. Guess it's time to update my resume.

SPIKE: What do you mean, he's moving to Rome? When?

HARMONY: He already left for the airport. I can't believe he didn't even let me wait inside till the sun went down, but he told me I couldn't stay there because the spell had to be placed for the new owner, and I would just have to wait in the shadows till sunset. Plus, I didn't get a reference from him. What a crappy boss he turned out to be!

Spike isn't listening. He turns and runs away.

###############

WOLFRAM & HART - CORRIDOR

The place is almost deserted. Only LINDSEY and KATHY are around. Lindsey is leading a blindfolded Kathy toward Angel's office.

KATHY: This is taking too long. I want to know what's going on. If you don't tell me now, I'm taking this blindfold off.

LINDSEY: Give me 10 more seconds.

He leads Kathy into Angel's office and stops. Angel is not there.

KATHY: That's it. I've waited long enough!

She rips the blindfold off and then stares around, stunned.

KATHY: What is this? It can't be true.

LINDSEY: Welcome to Wolfram & Hart! It's ours now!

KATHY: How did you...?

LINDSEY: Never mind the details. The important thing is that I did get it, and it's all for you.

KATHY: You really do love me.

LINDSEY: I've been saying that all along.

KATHY: And I'm sorry I didn't believe it before. You've definitely proven it to me! So now that we have Wolfram & Hart, what are we going to do with it?

LINDSEY: Oh, I have big plans. Bigger than you can possibly imagine.

He smiles cryptically. Evil Lindsey, or good Lindsey? Who can tell?

###############

VOTING BOOTH - EXTERIOR

WESLEY approaches and stops, staring at the booth. He is clearly torn about what to do. He muses over his options.

WESLEY: If I vote for Fred, I'll be doing what she wants and showing confidence in her wonderful abilities. She truly means well and she would make a fine mayor. I know this in my heart of hearts. There is no doubt in my mind. The answer, then, would seem simple. Merely go inside and cast my vote for her. But as we all know, one vote can make all the difference. If Fred wins this election, I will lose her to the world. The mayoral race is neck-and-neck, and my vote might be the one that determines the ultimate winner. Yes, if Fred wins, she will have far greater concerns in her life than me, and I can't ask her to abandon them merely because I crave attention. I could vote for her opponent, which would be a betrayal, but it might also help ensure that Fred stays with me. Or I could not vote at all. But no, that would be wrong. As a citizen it is my obligation, my duty, to vote. Only, who should receive my vote?

A WOMAN walks over to the booth, sees Wesley hesitating, and addresses him.
WOMAN: Are you going to vote, or not?

WESLEY: I suppose I must.

Slowly, he steps inside the voting booth, frowning.

###############

AIRPORT

SPIKE drives up, stomps on the brakes, jumps out of his car, and dashes inside the building. (IGNORE ALL AIRPORT SECURITY CONCERNS IN THIS SCENE. THEY WOULD RUIN THE DRAMATIC TENSION.) He races through the airport, instinctively homing in on the location of Buffy and Angel. He runs faster and faster until he is almost a blur. Then he halts. He has found them, in the nick of time. Their flight is boarding but they have not yet gotten on the plane.

SPIKE: Peaches! Slayer! Stop!

Startled, ANGEL and BUFFY turn and see Spike standing before them.

ANGEL: Spike! What are you doing here?

SPIKE: I can't let the only two people I've ever loved leave me just like this. Angel, I wish you hadn't lied to me but I can forgive you, as long as you stay here. Buffy, I can't lose you again. Please, neither of you can go.

BUFFY: But we already have tickets. And I'm building a new life for myself in Rome. And Angel said he'd come with me.

Angel steps toward Spike.

ANGEL: Do you mean it? Do you really forgive me? (Then Angel looks back at Buffy.) But I promised her I would go. What do I do now?

SPIKE: Stay with me.

BUFFY: Come with me.

Torn, Angel hesitates.

###############

CUT: LORNE on the scale.
VOICEOVER: Does Lorne meet his weight-loss goal?

CUT: WESLEY emerging from the voting booth.
VOICEOVER: Did Wesley vote for Fred in the election?

CUT: FRED at campaign headquarters.
VOICEOVER: Are we looking at the next mayor of Los Angeles?

CUT: CONNOR and PAIGE, walking through a field of wildflowers.
VOICEOVER: Is their love fated, or are they doomed?

CUT: GUNN in the courthouse.
VOICEOVER: Will Gunn win custody of the twins?

CUT: The TWINS, lying there with glowing eyes.
VOICEOVER: And what exactly are those mysterious powers, anyway?

CUT: LINDSEY and KATHY taking over at Wolfram & Hart.
VOICEOVER: Did Angel make the biggest mistake of his life by letting these two take charge?

CUT: ANGEL, BUFFY, and SPIKE in the airport. FREEZE-FRAME.
VOICEOVER: Will it be Buffy and Angel, Buffy and Spike, or Spike and Angel?
Tune in next season for the exciting answers. That's providing we have a next season, of course.

###############

FADEOUT

VOICEOVER: Music in this episode was provided by Faith Hill, Bette Midler, and the Corrs. And remember, the address for those money-grubbing individuals at the WB who cancelled our show is 4000 Warner Blvd., Burbank, CA 91505.


***
"The End"

The last episode had aired three days previously when Lorne called the final cast meeting. As they had so many times before, Spike, Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Angel, Gwen, Lindsey, Kathy, Paige, and Connor showed up. Buffy was also present.

Lorne was already in the meeting room when the others arrived. A half-empty bottle of champagne and a full glass sat on the table in front of him. Several unopened bottles, 11 glasses, a dozen plates, and a platter of roasted frog legs completed the setting. As everyone chose a seat, they glanced at Lorne. He appeared to be very relaxed, in quite the expansive mood, and when he spoke his voice was slightly slurred.

"Well, gang, I guess it's a wrap for our show. I don't mind admitting it's a bit of a relief that it's all over. Writing the scripts and making sure they were up to snuff was a lot of pressure. But the network didn't miraculously reverse its decision, so it's a wrap for us."

Gunn selected a frog leg, took a tentative bite, and smiled. "You know, these are really good. Where did they come from? Not the network, I bet."
Lorne shook his head. "Nah, they sent this giant fruit basket along with a card thanking us for 'five great years.' I took the basket back to the store and exchanged it for the legs. I figured they were more fitting."

Kathy frowned and opened her mouth, but Angel answered her obvious question before she could get a word out. "Lorne means frog legs are fitting because the WB mascot is a frog. It's like by eating frog legs, we're burning the network in effigy." Kathy opened her mouth again, looking even more confused. Once more, Angel cut her off. "And please don't ask me what 'burning in effigy' means. Pick up a dictionary for once and look it up."

Before the situation could turn unpleasant, Lindsey changed the subject. "So, Lorne, now that we're finished, what did you have in mind if we'd gone on to a sixth season? I'm curious to know how all of those cliffhangers would have turned out."

Lorne finished off his glass and replied, "Well, I'll start with myself and my perilous weight-loss mission. In the feel-good story of the year, I would have achieved my goal."

Everyone enthusiastically applauded. So far, so good.

"Then there's the Buffy/Angel/Spike triangle," Lorne continued, "which would have played out over the course of the season. I had a great idea for one script. Spike and Angel are battling over who gets to be with Buffy, see, and then Angel seems to take himself out of the running when he develops an allergy to Buffy. But everything works out in the end, because it turns out he is actually just allergic to her vanilla perfume."

Buffy's head snapped up. "My *what* perfume?"

Lorne ignored her, refilled his glass, and bulled ahead. "Finally, Angel and Spike come to their senses and realize that rather than them fighting to be with Buffy, they should be making her fight to get one of them. We have plenty of mileage left in that story, especially if the censors let us get away with an implied threesome. And things heat up even more when Spike's long-lost childe comes to Los Angeles and--"

"Wait," Spike interrupted. "You mean 'child' like Connor is to Angel?"

"No, not 'child' as in c-h-i-l-d. 'Childe' with an 'e' at the end, as in vampire offspring."

Spike cast a despairing look at the ceiling. "I'm not sure which is worse."

Fred grabbed another frog leg and asked, "Do I become mayor of L.A.?"

"Unforunately, no, sugar buns. It's a narrow decision, but you lose the election. The good news is that Wesley voted for you, so true love wins out. Or it would have, anyway, because you two would have gotten engaged and then married by the end of the season."

Wesley and Fred both smiled in satisfaction. Lorne's next words, however, quickly wiped the smile off of Wesley's face.

"Then there's this cutting-edge male-pregnancy plot that I thought could work great for either Angel or Wesley. I was going to make you two fight over who got to play out all the drama of morning sickness and swollen feet and labor pains."

Wesley looked at Angel. "Yes, the loser of the fight would have been saddled with it."

"Ha!" said Connor. "While all of you get the crappy stuff, I bet I would have had a great storyline next season. Right?"

"Sure, you and Paige were going to be our 'Romeo and Juliet' couple," Lorne easily agreed.

Connor smirked triumphantly. Most of the others glared at him.

"I'll let you in on a little shecret. I didn't like 'Romeo and Juliet,'" Lorne confessed with a tipsy grin.

Connor's smirk disappeared as quickly as Wesley's smile had.

Lorne grabbed for the champagne bottle again, but Fred moved it out of his reach with a pointed, "Don't you think you've had enough of this?"

"Honey, I know I've had enough," Lorne admitted. He sat up straight, cleared his throat, and went on in a steadier voice. "Where was I? Oh, yeah, Gunn's babies end up being demons that turn on him, Gwen is just eye candy most of the time, and Angel regrets turning over Wolfram & Hart to Lindsey because, guess what, Lindsey develops a split personality and veers between good and evil all the time. Don't worry; eventually Kathy gets to the bottom of the mystery and fixes matters to her satisfaction. As for me, I probably would have just dropped myself down to recurring status. In most of our episodes, even the ones I wrote, I didn't have much to do." He gazed around at the horrified faces staring back at him and burst into laughter. "Oh, please, you didn't think I was serious about any of that nonsense, did you? I had a hard enough time coming up with ridiculous material for the last six episodes and convincing you all I thought it was good. I'm not about to put myself through that torture again, even in jest."

"Thank God!" Gunn said fervently.

"Yep, like I said before, I'm relieved to be done with it all," Lorne concluded. "We'll move on to other projects and we'll be fine."

The party resumed, much more festive now that everyone knew Lorne's ridiculous scripts had been deliberately awful; the frog legs swiftly vanished, and the champagne flowed freely (except in the case of Lorne, who had cut himself off). Finally, everyone had had their fill.

"Guess this is it," said Gunn, looking around the table. "I'm going to miss you guys. Well, most of you, anyway, not naming names."

"We'll all have to keep in touch," Fred decided. "Exchange phone numbers, addresses, all of that stuff."

She found a stray piece of paper and set about scribbling down copies of her contact information; the others immediately followed suit. In the middle of this task, the phone rang.

"I'll get it," said Lorne, who was nearest. He picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

While he dealt with the caller, everyone else traded phone numbers and addresses. A moment later, Lorne hung up the phone.

Wesley turned to him. "We need your information, Lorne. ... Lorne, did you hear me?"

"Who was on the phone?" Angel prompted.

Lorne was rocking back and forth, trembling. "It was the network. They analyzed the ratings for our final episodes and they said... they said...."

"What? What did they say?" Buffy demanded.

"Key demos were up 46% overall, with a 114% increase in the last episode alone," Lorne reported in a low voice. "They said they changed their minds and since we're still under contract, they want us to come back for a sixth season."

"That's great news!" Fred cried, but Lorne began to quiver more violently. "It is great news, isn't it?" Fred asked tentatively.

"No! No, it is not!" Lorne shouted, sounding near tears. "Do you realize what this reprieve means? I have to come up with 22 more episodes that, in the words of our boss, 'live up to the standards set by the most recent six.' Twenty-two more horrible episodes! I don't think I have it in me!"

The End