The Gwen Bashers

[ghost2]

It recently came to my attention that a certain comm is running an anti-Gwen contest. You all know who Gwen is, right? From Torchwood? The worst character on TV? Yeah, that Gwen, the one no one likes.

So, contestants can submit wallpapers, icons, fanfic, banners, etc. And, the bit that made my ears prick up, there's a prize, a lofty offering of six months' paid LJ account time to the winner.

Well, thought I, my graphics abilities are limited (read: craptastic), but certainly I can vomit up throw together carefully craft in the space of ten whole minutes an appropriately shitty Gwen-bashing fanfic entry guaranteed to be totally OOC and thus pleasing to the Gwen haters in question. I have a hard time imagining that anyone else will produce anything more "interesting" in any way, so I believe this contest is over. No need to wait for the deadline; gimme my prize now, dammit!

Title: The Gwen Bashers
Author: ghost2
Rating: PG-13 for language and the presence of Gwen
Word count: 835 words of senseless and stupid Gwen hatred
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, and last and least, Gwen
Summary: Gwen gets what she's deserved for a long time.
Beta reader: I am randomly informing the world that I didn't use one.
A/N: I wrote this story in ten minutes, bet you can't tell!
I killed two birds with one stone. Not only is this story an entry in the ----------- comm contest, I used an unfilled prompt from the Gwenbash table: murder.
And now I present: The Gwen Bashers!


Jack heard laughter coming from the Hub as he entered. He smiled as he wondered what had so amused his team. He continued inside and soon saw Tosh, Ianto, and Owen standing around something on the ground. Then Owen pulled out a gun and shot whatever it was. He, Ianto, and Tosh all laughed so hard they almost fell over.

"That was fun!" said Owen. "Let's do another round!"

"Sounds good to me," Ianto agreed, nearly crying with laughter.

"I wonder what Jack would think of this," Tosh said between giggles.

"Think of what?" Jack asked as he approached.

Ianto, Tosh, and Owen all whirled to face him. Owen was still holding the gun. Tosh had a long, shiny knife in her hand; blood dripped from the blade. Ianto cradled a dark object that looked oddly familiar, but Jack couldn't get a clear view of it as, suddenly wary, he stopped and studied his team.

"What's going on?" Jack demanded.

"We were doing something that's needed to be done for a long time," Owen said defiantly. He elbowed Tosh, who quickly nodded.

"Well, what is it?" Jack said. He moved forward a few paces but he still couldn't make out whatever was on the ground behind the others.

"She deserved it!" Ianto cried. "Rhys finally realized what a lying slut she was and he snapped her neck."

"No one can blame him," Tosh added. "We were all sorry Rhys fell for her tricks and married her in the first place. He deserves so much better than her."

"Is that Gwen on the floor?" Jack said.

"Yeah," Owen said. "She only got what she deserved, you know. None of us ever liked her. She was an annoying bitch who thought she knew it all even though she was the most junior member of Torchwood and caused a lot of innocent deaths."

"She was always mean to me," Tosh contributed. "She made little negative comments almost every day. I can't count the number of times she made me cry."

"She was way too possessive and kept trying to take you away from me," Ianto reminded Jack. "She didn't appreciate Rhys and she couldn't stand seeing you and me together and happy."

"So when Rhys rang and said he thought he'd killed Gwen during an argument, we knew we had to help him," Owen said. "We went to look at the body and sure enough, Gwen was dead. Of course, we didn't want Rhys to get in trouble for doing the right thing, so we helped him out. I retconned him to make sure he wouldn't have his mind polluted with any memories of Gwen."

"And I established a new identity and home for him in Brighton," Tosh said with a smile. "He'll be much happier now. No more Gwen in his life and no reason to ever think of her again!"

Jack again gazed at the object in Ianto's hand. "Is that a resurrection gauntlet? No, it can't be. We destroyed them."

Tosh beamed. "I created a new one! It's better than the others."

"Why did you need it?" Jack asked. He eyed the stained knife that Tosh was still holding. "And where did that blood come from?"

"Well," said Ianto, "we decided that Gwen died too fast and easily when Rhys killed her. She didn't even see it coming and she didn't suffer at all. After the way she treated us and made us miserable and almost ruined all of our lives, we wanted a little revenge. So Tosh pulled out our new and improved 'Risen Mitten' and we had some fun."

"We brought Gwen back to life and then killed her a few more times," Owen said. "We figured it was only fair."

"I thought you could only use the gauntlet if you had enough empathy," Jack pointed out.

"I changed it so that hatred is the key," Tosh explained. "And since we all despise Gwen, it's worked like a charm!"

"First I brought her back to life and told her what a possessive slut she was," said Ianto. "Then I strangled her."

Tosh waved the knife; droplets of blood sprayed the vicinity. "Then I revived her and told her she was a nasty bitch and stabbed her to death."

"When it was my turn, I said she was the worst shag I ever had and she never deserved Rhys. I shot her," Owen said, indicating his gun. "And that's where we were when you walked in!"

Jack stared at each member of his team in turn. Their smiles wavered and finally disappeared. Only then did he speak. "I can't believe you did this behind my back. It was totally inappropriate and I'm ashamed of all three of you."

Ianto looked away; Tosh sniffled; Owen glared back.

Jack continued, "You went about things completely backwards. Why the hell didn't you phone and let me in on the fun right from the start? Give me that gauntlet; I can't wait to have my own turn!"




Wow, that was kind of cathartic. Now I feel motivated to work on The Idiot's Guide to Growing Your Own TARDIS (Handy's attempts to escape an earthbound existence).

Comments

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

I am both amused and horrified at myself for being amused. I like Gwen! Okay, so she's a bit annoying sometimes, but hey, so's every other character in every other text ever. Anyway, I loved this, but feel sort of guilty about it.

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Gwen's not one of my favorites, but generally I like her fine. I saw the bashing contest on that comm, didn't want to troll over there, and decided to mock it from afar. ;)

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Well, I'd say you managed that admirably.

I don't love Gwen, but I do like her. I certainly don't dislike her more than I dislike any other characters on TW. But then, you're talking to the girl who actually liked S1!Owen.

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

Wow! A comm would actually run a bashing-competition? That's incredible!

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Classy, huh? Actually, the entire comm is anti-Gwen. This contest is a "special event" that runs to the end of the month. It deserves to be mocked.

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

And slapped and shunned!

Seriously why waste time and energy setting up a comm for a character you hate? Where's the logic in that?

[gwynevere1.livejournal.com]

THIS IS AWESOME! Mocking is the best response.

Although...why would anyone waste time making a bashing-challenge? or a bashing-community? Shouldn't fandom be about things people love and enjoy? [/cluelessly naive]

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

Yes, the comm seems really pointless. From what I saw, it's mostly just wild ranting about how Gwen sucks, with very poor (or no) reasoning to back it up. If the comm had actual sensible discussion about the subject, I might have at least a little respect for it.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

thanks for writing that, brilliant

and I add my surprise that there is such a comm - ok, she's not my favourite character but that is going a step too far.

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

A while ago, I heard rumors about the comm, so I went to Google and typed in Gwen bashing. The results were not pretty.

[psykaos42.livejournal.com]

Wait-there's an entire LJ com devoted to Gwen bashing? Are they, by any chance, rabid Janto shippers who see her as a threat to their OTP? I mean, I love Janto as much as the next fangirl, but I never really viewed Gwen as a threat. A tad naive at the beginning of the series, but I'd wager most people would be if they found themselves someplace like Torchwood.

Also, your story is hilarious, and I agree that mocking these folks is the best response. Mind you, they're probably so focused on hating Gwen they don't even realize they're being mocked, but that's there problem.

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Wait-there's an entire LJ com devoted to Gwen bashing?

Unfortunately, there is. :(

Are they, by any chance, rabid Janto shippers who see her as a threat to their OTP?

I'm sure that's true of quite a few of them. Whatever reasons they claim, though, the comm is pretty disgusting.

your story is hilarious

Thank you. :)

[ru-salki99.livejournal.com]

I think you're on to a winner here ^___^

Gwen bashing comp? Really? Have people nothing better to do with their time? I'm not a massive Gwen fan but I don't hate her.

*shakes head in disappointment*

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

And they've held multiple anti-Gwen contests, including one with a Christmas theme. Talk about warping the meaning of my favorite holiday!

[ru-salki99.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that most of them are very young as it's such an immature thing to do I would be shocked if anyone over 25 was a member. Although I'm sure there are a few.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for this fine piece of literature. I LOLED from start to finish. Absolutely hysterical. And I think that this was the only way to deal with a challenge like that. Poor gorgeous Gwen, I really have trouble understanding some parts of this fandom every now and then(but then I am a huge fictionhippie who adores everyone, especially on Torchwood).

Came here via a rec, now I´m off to see if you´ve written something else. Keep up the awesomeness!

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I haven't written any other TW fic yet, but might in the future.

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

Here from cot_tossed and oh dear lord. I am (fortunately) completely unfamiliar with the Gwen-bashing subculture (there's really a whole comm?) but this was great. Although my favorite line wasn't about Gwen-bashing at all: Beta reader: I am randomly informing the world that I didn't use one. LOL! (Why DO so many people announce that, anyway? Do they think it gives them a free pass to have errors in their fic or something? I'll admit that I've posted fic un-beta'ed, but I didn't call attention to the fact. )

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

there's really a whole comm?
There is, and it disgusts me. One of the stories nominated in the same category as mine at Children of Time is a product of that comm.

Why DO so many people announce that, anyway?
Oh, I wish they wouldn't. I don't think authors should feel obligated to use betas (some do fine without them) but a trumpeting of the fact that one wasn't involved is obnoxious, IMO.

One author told me she included a "no beta used" line in the hope that someone would volunteer to assist her. I think she would have done better to directly ask if anyone was willing to help.

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

One of the stories nominated in the same category as mine at Children of Time is a product of that comm. Ah, that must be the one that cot_tossed called "truly awful." I think I'll be skipping it.

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

That's the one. I read it tonight, and it was terrible.

[wendymr.livejournal.com]

Hi! I'm here from the Children of Time reviews community on LiveJournal. We aim to review every nominated story in the Children of Time Awards (http://childrenoftime.creative-musings.com/awards/index.htm). Time and staffing constraints prevented us from reviewing in the Torchwood fandom before Round 2 was complete, but we're now able to expand into this area, and today a review of your fic (http://community.livejournal.com/cot_reviews/15819.html#cutid7) is posted. Congratulations on your nomination!

This really is the perfect parody: a completely over-the-top mockery. And richly deserved, also. Character-bashing is so completely unnecessary; it's not as if there aren't spaces in fandom for everyone to enjoy their favourite characters without running down others. Thanks for writing this; I definitely enjoyed reading it.